Appear to have a WAS, MLC H of the drug-addicted variety and tendencies toward being a complete and selfish a$$. He and the OW like to drink Skinny Girl Mojitos and smoke grass together. His soulmate! She has what I could never give... illegal drugs and fake boobs.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of link
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Feeling so low today. Read some information on different types of affairs and the grieving process of abandonment. I know, in the long run, this info will help, but right now it just brings me down. The reality that our marriage, as I knew it, is over stinks, hurts, blows. How could he kill something so beautiful?
I know I sound like a victim. Well, maybe not, I intend on feeling these feelings as opposed to stuffing them like my mom did. I do NOT want to carry this grief through the rest of my life. I want to move past it, so I guess I have to get through it first.
Hurts so incredibly bad to think of H out there loving someone else and giving someone else the attention I craved from him for years. I completely get why this is called heartbreak---it really feels like my heart is breaking, literally.
Seeing things as hopeless in terms of my marriage today. I do know, however, that I'm not hopeless. Still, it's sad to think this 30 year relationship may be over for good. Just had to let it out. I feel scared--been a long time since I faced life without H. Even when we weren't married, I kept this fantasy in my heart that he was always there for me (which he wasn't). Letting go of this fantasy hurts.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
What's worse is the feeling that he is providing this fantasy for another person. OP is enjoying my fantasy.
Feel so betrayed. How? Why? Tell me it's just the drugs and he is still in there somewhere and the one person I trusted above all others didn't really just betray me in what feels like the worst possible way--the way he knows would cut so deeply, the way that just acting on it may mean losing me forever. He was actually ok with losing me forever.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Sorry you are hurting so bad today. I wrote this on someone elses thread. But I'll say it again: I read an article about how emotional pain feels the same as physical pain. And yes it hurts like crazy, them off with someone else.
I haven't had time to go read your other thread. I will later. But for right now please don't think about them together. Picture a stop sign in your head. And think about something else. Go for a walk, run, bike ride, something different!
Take care of yourself.
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
What's worse is the feeling that he is providing this fantasy for another person. OP is enjoying my fantasy.
OW may be getting "a" fantasy, but not yours. Does your fantasy include substance abuse, adultery, etc?
My IC told me that the OP gets the child acting out, only the side our WAS show them, not the real person we loved for so many years...we got/get the whole person, and, unfortunately, that includes the damaged part that expresses itself in MLC, escape, avoidance, and so forth. The OW gets the immature H that wants a band-aid, not the real H.
I struggled with this for a long time (and still do at times)...but after several of W's OMs......my IC and the infidelity advice here and elsewhere is proving accurate. I have been there, I feel for you...please just remember that OW "ain't getting sh1t" in all reality.
H is in there somewhere. Just, as everyone says, the alien has taken over. This betrayal is part of the script, the process...like a teenager breaking away from Mom and Dad.
Just work on you, be the better choice...for you. The OP will usually show their true colors, and hopefully our WAS take off the rose-colored glasses long enough to "see", sooner rather than later.
Hope this helps some...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T, that really helps. I guess reading about the "romantic" type of affairs I got stuck on the idea that he is living out the infatuation he had with me, with someone else.
Still, I know in my head, not my heart just yet, that he could lose interest in her very quickly. And, within a short frame of time, she could become a mistake and bad choice.
I know this from experience--before H and I married, He was a wild drinking/partying pot-smoking ho-bag. And, he seems to be reliving this part of his life with her. Way back when, he often, in fact mostly, regretted the women he got involved with when he was partying hard. Usually, they were very needy and sick. At some point, he would come to his senses and see who they really were and he would be disgusted with himself. He even told me a month ago that he is disgusted with himself.
Thanks again, Heather
P.S. so nice to have a place where I can let out all the sick, psycho, grief-stricken thoughts and not feel judged. It helps so much and keeps me from texting him.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
There is an ebook that really helped me during phase 1 of W's affairs back in 2009/2010...google "break free from the affair"...one of those along with the DB books that almost literally saved my life, and for sure my sanity (or what of that there was...lol).
From what you wrote, sounds like H is full-on in "replay" stage. They are trying to go back and re-live, re-work that time period when something didn't get wired right in their brains, some pain that was never resolved properly (Snodderly has a GREAT post on why they run, I think its in Cadets resources posts now).
Read the resources posts over and over...I still read through them for the 1000'ed time, each time there is something to be reminded of that helps in the phase of my sitch.
Quote:
He even told me a month ago that he is disgusted with himself.
W has said this to me as well now that the angry alien spew phase has abated, please remember that H feels that ^^^^^ and he is running hard and fast from it...he is in pain and scared...I ask myself when I get fed up and tired of W's crap , "Would I abandon someone in pain who had cancer or something?" It helps me to have compassion for her, even through the abuse she threw and sometimes now throws my way.
Yes, talk this out here, texting/talking to H right now about R stuff would probably be the same as banging your head against a brick wall, and let me tell you, it doesn't help, at all...only makes big ugly bumps and bruises that take a while to heal (I am still nursing mine)...
Let him swing from his own yardarm right now, work on YOU!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
