Thanks so much crazy. I have read some. I need to go back and re read some of my textbooks. The ignoring him isn't working so well. So I have started to just text. Basically for several reasons 1- being it is short and to the point. 2- I have no tone or any way to convey anything additional.
Basically today they came out and turned my gas on because we have gas heaters. There is a heater downstairs and one up here. It simply wouldn't come on. I tried and tried. Finally, I broke down and sent a text. Verbatim it said "Are there additional gas valves I need to turn on besides the ones under the heaters?" He called me. So I went outside to look at everything and it seemed normal. Then I tried both heaters again- bleeding the lines. Nothing happening. Sent another text- "It is not working. No gas is coming through either heater. Can you look at it tomorrow night? I would appreciate it."
Tomorrow is Tuesday which is the night he stays with kids while I do my clinicals. So no problem he can do it then right? And I get to avoid contact. Wrong. He calls. Questions me about the gas. Of course, I do not know. So he says you want me to come do it tonight? I responded- Tomorrow is fine. Don't worry about it. It's not that cold. I don't think we will even need them. He pushes back- I can do it tonight- It's no problem I don't mind. Finally- I said- it's up to you. Either way is fine with me. So of course he will be here tonight. Never mind the fact that he told me in our argument just yesterday that he didn't want to see or talk to me. Fine. That is how we came to the agreement to text. I actively am trying to limit contact and he is insisting on it. It's the stupidest thing ever. You think I should treat that as a boundary? I am thinking about it. Just saying- look we are supposed to be texting only. I don't mind talking to him really but then he makes it sound as though I am pursuing him even if I am not. One thing is clear- He has no respect for me at all. That is what irritates me about the calling bit. So I dunno. No clue.
Just curious, have you read anything on narcissistic personality disorder?
Good call. I am reading more on it now. Definitely seems to fit. Were there any particular resources you used to help with developing communication strategies with him?
I think he's wanting to do something helpful. It will help you but, more importantly, his children. I don't think there's a boundary issue here with coming to turn on the gas. And he shouldn't feel it's pursuing unless there is some. Sounds like you gave him an out but he wants to do something nice.
Calls for gracious acceptance, IMO.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
He came over and got it all on and started the pilot lights. Apparently, I am not inept they have a battery in them for the ignitor and it was dead in both heaters. Regardless it was okay. I didn't talk much but stayed civil. Apologized for my part in the argument yesterday. He didn't. That's okay. Didn't expect it. No biggie. That's his pattern. Then before he left he told me "to call if I need him or need any help" I thought that was a bit odd. Perhaps, it was just habit. Who knows?
sounds like it went well. it's ok that he didn't apologize. i always tried to be proud of my own behavior when my husband would spew or act badly.
that's what he says he remembers and what changed his mind about me and our M. it's not easy but it makes a better person of you and that's why we're here, i think.
it sounds like he stills feels some responsibility for you and that's good. i'm sure it made him feel better about himself, as a man, for being able to help you.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I think the real measurement is if he continues to respond the same way to the same behaviors you exhibit. There's nothing wrong with you distancing yourself as much as you can, just to regroup and "catch your breath." It will also let you put down your weapons, so to speak.
The best book I've read on the topic of narcissism (which is NOT to say I've read a lot) is "Help, I'm in love with a narcissist." What I liked most about it was that it really addressed the habits of the partner of the narcissist (in this case, you.) It focused a lot on setting healthy boundaries and changing habits, and helping you to recognize that you can't do anything to change THEM. It mirrored a lot of DB in that regard. But I felt that I could have replaced the word "narcissist" in the title with any other description (jerk, addict, slob, etc.) and still applied the principles they were promoting. It was just very uplifting, I felt.
If you truly don't want to involve your H unless it's absolutely necessary, next time you might try throwing your question into Google. It's just amazing to me how much information can be found there. I figured out how to fix my dryer just by doing various searches.
Yep. Most things I am pretty adept at. I was afraid of blowing us all up though! I have not really seen him since then. He came over the following day while I went to clinicals. It is just such a weird relationship. I'm just going along. Whatever. My PMA has been excellent! Some updates with school- formal complaint procedure is now in process. So that is a good thing AND my grandfather is much better! Going home next week! Yay me! No weeping, no upset, a little anxiety. Not even that so much any more. I think maybe quiet acceptance is a better term. This is my life at the moment and it's okay. One thing I did notice is when he stays on Tuesday nights he sleeps on the couch. Then I come in and sleep in the bed. The purpose of this is to let me get some rest and he gets the kids up and out the door. Which IS indeed thoughtful. So I always thank him before I lay down. A nice heartfelt thank you. Normally something like Thank you for staying. The kids enjoy it and it makes things much easier on all of us. Especially me. I really appreciate it. Then typically I do not talk to him again. The bedroom door was open but still he stood outside it. Woke me back up to say Goodbye. Exact words "Well Bye I guess." lol "Bye. Have a good day!" and I rolled over. :-) The kids were all out in the car waiting on him. I could also tell he stayed out of things this time. No rifling through drawers or anything. Of course, it could be he had already gotten everything he wants. lol Whatever. He also left his clothes here. Could have just forgotten them I suppose. Then he came over yesterday but A HA the girls and I were gone!! lol I felt proud of myself for that and I didn't even plan it that way. He did see S14 though. I am a bit apprehensive about this weekend as it is H birthday. We shall see what transpires. I hope everyone is well here. I better get back to studying. I think that is part of my PMA. I have refocused on my schooling which is definitely my priority.
So of course, my temper got the best of me yet again. Detaching is not something I am doing too well. Again king of mixed signals made his appearance yesterday. He said he had come by to pick up S14 to take him to get something he needed for the muzzle loader. S14 had no idea he was coming and had stayed after school. So while he was here he said he was going to WalMart. (Please bear in mind I am in an extremely rural area. Literally it is 20 miles to walmart) So I said well if you are going you could get me some cat food! lol then I laughed and said point blank- I'm just kidding. Either way here he comes 2 hours later with like a 15 lb bag of cat food. Of course, I thanked him and said I appreciated it. However, it really wasn't necessary. So today I am doing homework when I hear my dog just going nuts. I look outside. He is out there. Down at the other house fixing the window. I walked down there. Noticed when I walked by the car there was beer in it. I stupidly said Oh have you been drinking? Not meaning today. Just meaning have you been drinking more recently. He automatically got defensive and started being nasty. Then of course, I did too. I saw the beer and it pissed me off. Not for what you would think. Just that I guess I automatically assumed he had big plans for his birthday. I was right in thinking that too. So in a nutshell he changed his plans with the kids. Informed me he would like to see them for a couple of hours but then he had plans and it was his birthday. He also made it a point to tell me why in the world would he want to come back around me and be here in this house when all I do is create drama and start fights. Hmm. Great question. However, it doesn't seem to matter how things get started I always get the blame. That is one of the reasons I tried to not contact him. I did also bring up the fact that when I text he always calls back or comes over. Normally, I wouldn't mind that except that it seems lately every single thing is a confrontation. Nothing is ever easy. I really sort of feel like this DB'ing is not worth it. I am feeling discounted and abused. He's pretty mean. I know you aren't supposed to believe anything you hear but he is so hurtful. Frankly, that brings out the absolute worst in me as well. It pisses me off to no end that he changed the plans for his birthday and it really really hurt my feelings. Not that it matters. I guess that is also contributing to my anger. He seems to not care one iota about how I feel. It's all about him. I'm tired of my life revolving around him. So my answer is detach. I know this. It's hard when he's in my face all the time. I hope everyone here is doing better than me. Regardless, at least I am not a crying weeping mess. Now I'm just pissed. That's not great though. That is the thing about me he really keeps blaming on me. My anger. So then I let myself keep being drawn in so he can prove to himself how right he is to leave. I also might have called him a d!ckhead which wasn't very nice. Fitting. But not nice. He seems to love the opportunity to attack. I need to stop giving him any reason whatsoever to say anything negative or mean to me.
