I haven't been posting much... here or getting around to people's threads... I apologize. I'm working really hard right now to keep my head above water financially and need to spend more time on that.
Update and questions:
My patience is on a thin line these days... but I am trying hard. I read the 5 LLs book this week, finally. And it helped me to reinforce that I make the choice whether to do loving things or not... also made me sad because it showed me clearly that LLs (and depression) was really the heart of our sitch all along.
My H is looking better and this seems important, esp. his face-- hard to explain, but it's like night and day. His demeanor, though, is often still very "me" (meaning him) focused and our most recent interactions though pleasant have left me wondering whether we're in this together.
My anxiety is at a high this a.m. He really wants health insurance and I can add him to mine now during renewal period... so I asked if he was interested in that. He immediately said yes, said he'd pay for it (he has to, there is no way I can) and that was it-- off the phone, he's having a bad day. But I have serious fears and concerns about whether I can rely on him for the money and it was like he did not want to even hear my thoughts about it, what the arrangements are, etc. Dismissed is a good description of how I felt.
I don't feel reassured. And the dog sitch is the same. Even though he says he is worried about it being a burden for me, the reality is that having the dog at OW is a much bigger burden emotionally for me. But these things go unrecognized and unacknowledged. In fact, I am getting a sense that any concerns of mine seem like a bother for him to even think about.
On the one hand, I see H being pretty resourceful in moving ahead... and he is dealing with a lot of his own stuff which I am compassionate about. On the other hand, if it has anything to do with responsibilities related to me or concerns that I have, it's like he's just not too interested. I'm not sure I can keep that part up.
Don't want to sound all gloomy. Mostly, I am optimistic because there are major improvements. And I have been doing some fun things with friends and have some new leads and ideas on starting my business rather than being too obsessed about this.
But I think selling my home is becoming inevitable... can't seem to find a roommate to fill the gap. I guess what's really eating at me is that H knows how this kind of thing makes me anxious and he is showing really no interest in how I am doing on that front.
And I know that if we were approaching our financial health together, we'd be able to turn it around very easily for both of us. If we are going to be together, seems to me we could be making life a lot easier for both of us right now.
Anyway, time to go and make some productive use of my snow day! For those that have been kind enough to be following my thread in newcomers, I'm moving over here to simplify this posting thing!
