How do we live "together separate"?

[cat04]

Thank you for your thoughts. DB, has taught me well, and while this is a difficult time, I know that I will survive and I will continue to thrive...

It's ok to not know what you want at this point.

Currently, I have been presented with some options that didn't exist before she passed and now I have some soul searching to do and some decisions to make.

I will be able to do that because of what I learned here. Because of the support I have received from here. Behind the scenes, I have received a huge amount of support from the friends that I have made here. Thank you to everyone.

This is a good and safe place, even if it doesn't always feel like it.

This is a place where it is ok to say, "I don't agree with you", "I don't like how that made me feel" or something to that effect and those of us who have been here, take no offense to that. Because we have all done it. We have been there and while we don't know all of the details of each individual situation, we can understand to a great degree, the emotions that are coursing through someone who is closer to their bomb day than we are.

Your choosing not to post again, is something that is up to you. No one else can make that choice, although I think you have seen that others have tried to encourage you to make the choice to give DB, the boards, and yourself a chance.

They have done that not because they are nosy, but because they know what this forum has meant to them. How there were days they wanted to come through the computer and rip someone's head off for a post they didn't like and there were/are days they want to find the poster and hug them simply because they felt understood, cared about, like a person again.

This is the best worst place to be in this situation.

We laugh, we cry, we tease each other and we argue. Those are the dynamics of human relationships, even in a virtual world.

It isn't easy. It isn't easy to put yourself and your thoughts and feelings out there and it isn't easy to get responses that you may not like. Or even responses that you do like. It can be very helpful though.

It also isn't necessary to respond to every person who posts to you, if you are truly offended, as our wonderful moderator said, there is a notify button...

I have some questions for you as I would like to get to know more about you and your sitch, however I have to go to work shortly and won't be able to post them until later, if you would be willing to consider hearing them.

[mizjjd]

mrsrjd,

Once again, I am truly sorry for how my post has made you feel. I will not post on your thread anymore. I hope and pray that you continue to get the support you need on these boards. For me they were a life saver and I apologize again if my actions have made you feel cold here.

I wish you all the best in your sitch and in your life.

I hope and pray that you can forgive me at some point.

God Bless,
Eric

Apology accepted.

[MrBond]

Too bad. I personally don't think that what eric posted was that bad. Both of you just misunderstood one another. It happens since you're writing things out and not talking face to face.

You have to understand that everyone here really does it to help. And that you shouldn't take things personally.

Hard to read other people's posts and apply them to your own sitch.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Going to ask that kid gloves be used right now in regard to mrsrjd, if you think I'm talking to you...then I am.

This isn't a debate, this is me asking nicely.

Right now, WenikiTiki and Cat are speaking the language mrsrjd is taking comfort from so I plan on bowing out as well.

No need to respond to this.

[MissAgnes]

Hi mrsrjd,

I would like to say that I understand your terror about being so vulnerable financially and emotionally. I have felt it myself. I haven't had a job outside the home in almost 17 years.

I am a registered nurse, but not having practiced in so long, I would have to take a refresher course and then hope that there would be a job in my area.

Pay rates are lower than average in my state, as opposed to the state I left 20 years ago to marry this man, so I might have to move to get a job.


Just imagining having to put the mental energy into re-learning those skills while raising my children and healing from this trauma scares the heck out of me.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

I value the support I have received here since I arrived. I hope you stay.

[mizjjd]

Hi mrsrjd,

I would like to say that I understand your terror about being so vulnerable financially and emotionally. I have felt it myself. I haven't had a job outside the home in almost 17 years.

I am a registered nurse, but not having practiced in so long, I would have to take a refresher course and then hope that there would be a job in my area.

Pay rates are lower than average in my state, as opposed to the state I left 20 years ago to marry this man, so I might have to move to get a job.


Just imagining having to put the mental energy into re-learning those skills while raising my children and healing from this trauma scares the heck out of me.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

I value the support I have received here since I arrived. I hope you stay.

Ammc,

I'm still here - just being a little more circumspect about what I write.

I definitely hear you about your job/financial sitch. And your children are little too; I really feel for you.

Some days just the act of breathing can consume all available energy and concentration.

But its got to get better, or at least more manageable, with the passage of time. I know that for me some days are better than others.

Perhaps, like me, its hard for you to gain traction and get out of the mire-of-pain because all you can see are roadblocks.

I haven't read your posts/sitch yet but will do so when I get some free (unobserved) time.

Thank you for reaching out, and God bless.

[cat04]

Mrsrjd,
I have been trying to give you some time to just assimilate what has been written on your thread and read other threads…

I told you I had questions, which is something I tend to be very good at…

As well as general thoughts...

I hope that you don’t take any of them the wrong way because they are not meant with any malice, rather with curiosity and a hope that you will begin to be able to sort out your thoughts and feelings a bit…I apologize up front if anything is bothersome to you, although I will tell you and you have probably seen it written here in many threads, if something stings, it might be something you want to look deeper at.

Our marriage has not been paradise for a very long time but I really thought it was "ok" and chalked the lacks up to personality traits. If I were to grade the marriage I'd say C+ or B most of the time

Were you really ok with a C+/B marriage or did you wish that it could be better than that?

There have been 3 affairs that I know of. I found out about the 2nd one first. It was after 6 years of marriage and was with a girl who worked for my H. He even had me (stay at home mom) watch her son while... At the time of his confession of the affair he did not apologize and would not commit to being faithful in the future because having the affair just made him feel so good. I felt the kids were better off with an intact family so I sucked it up and stayed despite the anguish in my heart.

Did you really forgive your H for the first A that you found out about? Or did you just sort of sweep it under the rug and go on with living?

I thought I forgave my X for the first affair, but what I came to realize was that it was simply buried, and it affected how I interacted with him for the rest of our M.

After the confrontation H expressed desire to find someone to talk to. He doesn't have any friends and doesn't like the idea of professional help so that left him with me. In the interest of saving the marriage I tried to be objective and put aside my own heartache to help him with what he called "baggage". He felt there must be some large and compelling reason for him to be unfaithful because he simply doesn't see himself as "that kind of person".

This was an incredible thing to attempt. I realize as a W, we want our H to talk to us, and we hope that it can help the R, however this sort of set you up to receive the blame, he may have not been as open as he would have been with someone else, and I can only imagine how it tore at your heart.

In the first days I made our distance more obvious but was told by H that would defeat the purpose of bothering to stay together at all so unless I wished to expedite actual separation I should attempt to make things appear "normal".

My first thought on this is classic MLC. He is trying to put you in the driver’s seat of his decision. Setting you up to be the responsible party so that he doesn’t have to be the bad guy.

I am not ready to leave financially or emotionally (not ready to break up my kids' home)so as of right now I could be called a hostage.

I remember this feeling. I felt very stuck for a long time. Eventually, I decided that I had to do something for myself. Because truly, the only one keeping me “hostage” was me. I started small. I began going to a church with some friends. I found that I really liked it. I always had faith and it gave me something to look forward to each week. It didn’t cost a lot of money (just what I put in the offering basket) and often, surpisingly, I found great comfort in what was talked about, and it gave me the opportunity to start seeing things a bit differently.

I don’t know if you are spiritual, many people discover their faith through this process, it is something to consider. Simply to get yourself out of the situation for a little while.

Eventually, I began doing other things as well, I found a friend to walk with once a week, began going to the malls and whatnot, even just to window shop. All of these things helped to empower me and allowed me to really get to know myself again.

I suspect the man who courted me is long gone. Or never existed outside of my mind, hopes and dreams.

H doesn't want to think of himself as "that kind of person" and doesn't want to take ownership of his behavior.

Both of the above quotes are probably true. The man that courted you is long gone, although he did exist.

It is very normal for people in MLC to not want to take ownership of their behavior.

Eventually, as they come through the crisis, they begin to see what they have done, and some work through it and make amends, and some keep running because they can't deal with the fallout. No one can predict who will come through and who won't.

I am a class one doormat. My father was probably bi-polar although this was never diagnosed. His behavior, not entirely different than H's, taught me to walk on egg shells and keep my mouth shut.

Is being a doormat how you want to feel for the rest of your life?

I understand that it is a coping mechanism, however I have to question if you really believe it is a healthy way to deal with your thoughts and feelings?

So I don't know what I want. On strong days (minutes?) I want nothing. Other times, I want whatever I can get. Staying together until the twins turn 18 in two years does make sense so I'm fairly sure I want that.

I can see the logic in this. I realize the small sense of security it gives you right now as everything has been turned upside down.

Don’t waste this time though. Use it to make sure that when the “deadline” comes (because at this point you should probably assume that is what it is), that you are prepared.

What can you do to make the most of this time for your future?

Is there a time when its ok to ask "Oh, by the way, still planning to leave?"

Yes there is a time when it is ok to ask that question. It will be when you are at a place that the answer won’t rip your heart out if the answer is yes.

I don't understand this at all. He treats me just the same and sometimes I wonder if I imagined "the bomb". But then I remember all the email exchanges with the ow. And now I notice how very one sided attention and affection are for us. (Although in the interest of detachment I have STOPPED reaching for him, telling him I love him etc) So I guess the bomb did occur...

Yes, I too remember feeling this way at times.

Learning about MLC will help you to understand this more and it won’t always feel so surreal.

I just can't fathom continuing to live "as usual" with someone I "don't love" and "don't want a future with" so its hard to wrap my head around his actions. And not being able to discuss it with him makes it even more bewildering.

This is how you feel. Your H probably feels that he can go on like this now because he probably feels as if he was living that way for a while. I know that sounds harsh but the truth is, they don’t just one day wake up and have this decision and then tell us.

Most often, it is something that has been brewing in their minds for a long time. So the relief that they feel when they tell us is great because they have finally gotten everything out in the open. And now, we should feel the same way.

Very often, they have no plan beyond telling us. Some of them then come up with a plan, others feel that by telling us, we will then take over and do the work to achieve the result (divorce) that they want.

I know who I am. I know my weaknesses and am working on finding my strengths.

So who are you?

What are your strengths?

What are your weaknesses?

What do you enjoy?

What makes you smile and warms your heart?

I am new to this forum and hardly think I have enough postings for anyone here to presume they know what I am feeling.

While none of us knows exactly what you are feeling, we have all been bombed. There is no one that I know of on this site who posts, who hasn’t experienced a bomb. Who hasn’t felt the fear, shock, sadness, anger that grips your heart when you hear those dreaded words. We are all at different places in our timelines, in our healings…

So that is where my thoughts are right now with you and your sitch...

I hope you are having a good day.

[mizjjd]

Cat,

not offended at all. Questions pose no issues for me. What "stung" for me in other exchanges was being told "how" I feel, on what I was basing my choices, and finally whether or not I had the "right" to be upset by what was written. (Seriously, what happened to all that "validation" stuff? Is that only meant for the MLC/WAS?) If you really want to read deeper meaning into my reaction I suspect the offensive post(s) was more the straw that broke the camel's back because I've had quite enough of being subordinate. Which of course answers one of your questions regarding being a doormat for the rest of my life.

I thank you for taking time out of your life to connect with me. I don't have time just now to thoroughly answer your questions but should later today.

And thanks, I'm having an okay day. Beautiful weather - fall is my favorite season.

[WenikiTiki]

Hey mrrjd!

I liked your answer to ammc. You said:
Perhaps, like me, its hard for you to gain traction and get out of the mire-of-pain because all you can see are roadblocks.

That is such a true statement. I need to think of myself as stuck because of the roadblocks. And when I thought of that I had a mental image of being in my old Hummer and some guy got his truck stuck and blocked me into a muddy parking lot at the Army hospital. I waited 40 minutes for him to figure out how to get unstuck. Then I got tired of sitting blocked in by him, went over hooked a tow strap up and pulled him out of my way.

It was worth getting my shoes muddy. Because I felt so good about being able to solve that problem. So you just made me realize when I am sitting and waiting for the roadblocks to move I am going no where. But when I take action and move the roadblocks, off I go to do what I want/need to do!

So now I'm off to move some roadblocks! I hope your day is going well.

Aloha,

Wendy

[mizjjd]

Wendy,

glad you found fresh perspective.

Still working on my own roadblocks. Don't know if I can tow them out of the way or if I'll just have to find an alternate route.

Probably help if first I figure out my destination... lol.

Happy towing!