Ok, whoa! Hold the phone! He's hacking your email and online accounts? You didn't confront him? WTH? That is a massive invasion of privacy.
You have got to stand up for yourself. He is abusing you and you are letting him. Why? Like AS said, you need to remind him that he breached YOUR trust, not the other way around so there is absolutely no cause for him to be treating you like this.
Sorry, I'm a little disgusted with him at this moment.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Mishka- you are absolutely correct and I let H get away with it because I feel guilty about snooping when I got the bomb. I also wanted to show him that I do not have anything to hide. I think he was looking for something to either validate his behavior or try to find out what I'm doing since I'm working on GAL but you all are right and I am going to talk to him about this if he ever attempts to violate my privacy again.
Yesterday H called me at work and hung on the phone for almost an hour having a pity party. He ignored my attempts to get off the phone. Basically he needs my help in his business and his truck is giving him problems. The truck is in my name and he wants to trade it in. I don't feel comfortable incurring more debt in my name for him. I drive an SUV which is in his name. I could swap vehicles with him but I would be stuck with the lemon. Either way, I told him that I did want to incur anymore debt right now and he needs to think of some other options. I left it in his court. Any thoughts on this?
After I helped H draft to bids for his business, he took me out for dinner. He asked me several times about my plans for today and I told him I was not sure but I was certain to go see the band play tonight. H said he was going to get some money together so we could have a good time. I did not respond because my plan is to go with or without him. He then mentioned that his cousin was having a bithday party on saturday and we were invited. I said that was nice but did not confirm my attendance. He wanted to rent a movie so we did. After coming home he began to speak negatively about how everything he does fails, how he tryn so hard to do the right things and bad things keep happening to him. How he did not know was right or wrong anymore. I was tired of hearing the pity party so I told him that he needed to make some decisions in his life and stick too them. That he's an adult and he knows right from wrong. Then I went to bed.
I was sure H was upset with me after my last words to him last night but This morning H hung around with small talk. Talked about how he wanted to do better in his business and his finances. He also said he wants to do better with the yard work and house repairs. I said those were good ideas and he should focus more on his business and finances. Put a plan into action and stick with it. H then brought up plans for tonight and reiterated he wanted us to go together and also wanted us to attend a family function on his side which he has not participated in a while. He mentioned he had to leave for work several times and my reply was always, okay. Finally, he said he needed to leave and asked for a kiss. I obliged but made sure I was not initiating.
All of the hanging out together, dinner, movies, etc.etc..looks good however I am still curious about his recent mans night out on Sundays since he needed some space. I will not mention this or ask him about what he is doing but I will continue to show that I am GAL.
So we spent the entire weekend together. On Sunday at 11:30, H claims he got a call from his sister who needed some help with her vehicle which I felt in my heart was another lie. Fed up, I told him that hanging out has become his normal Sunday routine and not something he needs to lie to me about. If he wants to hang out then he should just say so and not lie. I told him I was not upset but also made plans and was just waiting so we could leave at the same time as I did not want to interrupt our evening. Of course he asked where I was going and I replied with the same question which ticked him off. I didn't care though. He needs to know that I will not be sitting around while he's out playing around. He wanted to use my vehicle and that was totally out of the question. I do not trust him. He had OW in my truck before and I was not going to volunteer they run around and use my gas all night. Although I am deeply hurt and still cry over the A, I'm tired of being treated like a fool. I am not someone you can just dismiss as if I am nothing with no feelings. How can a husband leave his wife at 11:30 at night and feel as though he owes her no explanation for his whereabouts? Not a man I think I should fighting so hard for. Shortly after H left I showered, dressed and proceeded to my favorite pub. Had a couple of M'ritas and read a few DB posts. Got home around 2:15. H got home around 2:45. I pretended to be asleep. He left the bath light on which prompted me to get up as I do not like light when I am trying to sleep. He immediately asked me where I had been. I told him that I did not have anything to hide. He continued to ask and ask and ask. I told him I had been at Huey's and he finally shut up. This morning he left for work w/o saying goodbye and I have not heard from him like a normally would for lunch. I want to tear up the card he recently gave me because I feel it's filled with lies. I am almost at the point of WAS. I feel so stupid for putting up with this mess for so long. I don't know how much longer I can allow H to treat me like this. Since I'm not snooping, I don't know if he's told the truth about any of his improvements thus far.
What he 'says' can't be trusted. He has to prove it. If he's not willing to show you proof of where he is and who he has been with then he's not trying to earn your trust back.
11:30p???? He left at 11:30p???? WTH? Who does that? NO ONE WHO ISN'T UP TO NO GOOD. Sorry, it really sounds like he's still seeing OW to me but I've been wrong before...
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
That's what I think Mishka. Today H said that I did not allow him an opportunity to fully explain the situation with his sister. Said I immediately thought the worst and decided to leave too. He still claims to be helping his sister and said he knew I had an early start so he didn't want me to go and be out late. Since I responded the way I did, he got angry and decided to leave without explaining.Said every week its something. We argue or something happens. He's not happy. So I asked him what did he want to do about it. He said "nothing". Said i seemed to be moving on with my life and how he felt didnt matter. Here we go again with the pity party. Told him Im not his mother but I am his family, his wife and since we still live together, shd be treated with respect with regard to texting, phone calls AND leaving / returning home. I cant make him stay but I felt like he needs to understand that I am not going to stand for this type of behavior if he chooses to stay and work on our R. I know I made some DB mistakes but those are my boundaries. I can't allow him to mistreat me in my own home and make my life more miserable than its already been. If I had pulled that on him, he would never let me forget it. I won't ask him to leave but he needs to decide if he wants to be respectful and remain together in the same house or he can choose to leave. Any feedback or suggestions?
I know I made some DB mistakes but those are my boundaries. I can't allow him to mistreat me in my own home and make my life more miserable than its already been.
I don't think you made any mistakes at all. DB'ing is all about taking stock every few weeks and determining what is and is not working, and making adjustments. Obviously things are not working because you're on the verge of walking yourself, so you took a hard stance and laid down some boundaries. Good job! If I could make one more suggestion, if you're serious about walking then have a discussion with him about that. Reiterate your boundaries and tell him that this is his last chance. Many of us here lament the fact that our spouses didn't tell us anything until it was "too late" to do anything about it, so at least give your H that chance before you totally drop the rope.
H has been sick and sulking around the house for the past two days. I've been nice and taking care of him as I normally would with food and meds when he is ill and vice versa. There's been no talk about our heated conversation otherthan H saying I'm never going to trust him again. He feels that I am moving on and I will find someone else. Aha...so it seems as though he is concerned with whether or not I will do to him what he has done to me. Interesting...hince the snooping on his part. I stated that building trust will require him to be open and more forthcoming about what he wants in our R or whether or not he still wants to be M and will defintely take some time but I did not comment on the topic of finding someone else. That's not part of my GAL and I do not want to even think about that at the moment. I wouldn't even know where to begin. Anyway, I told H that I was not going to sit around and ask as if everything is fine when it is not. That I want him to enjoy his life and I also want to enjoy mine as well and have made a commitment to do so whether we are together or not. H said he understood and that he wants to be happy like before. I said, I wanted things to be better than before. That I did not want to go back to a M that resulted in the A.
Today has been uneventful thus far. H called a couple times. First to ask about his medication schedule and second to let me know that he was going to work and would be using our joint account to purchase some supplies. No R talk but he did tell me that he loves me and to have a good day. I replied with the same. I haven't called him today. I think it's good that he's trying to go work and I do not want to interrupt him. Besides, I don't really have anything to discuss with him and do not want to be seen as persuing. I plan to go straight home so I can work out a bit before starting dinner.
Last night was okay. I went home after work, prepped dinner and got ready to workout when H called and said he had a job site to visit then he would be home. I told him I would be working out then start dinner. I worked out for about an hour then cooked dinner. H still had not made it home so I called to let him know dinner was ready but got his vm. I did not leave a msg and proceded to shower. H called right back and let the call go to vm. After the 3rd attempt to call back, I answered the phone. He said he was at his sisters and was on his way home. I did not comment. After he came home, we had dinner and some small talk. There were tornado and thunder storm warnings in our area so TV was out. I did not sleep well because H coughed for the majority of the night but was sleeping like a baby when I left for work this morning.
H called while I was working several times today. His initial call was to tell me about SIL transportation problems and she wanted him to rent a vehicle for her. SIL drivers license is expired and she does not have car insurance nor a credit/debit card. Of course my response was no since we share bank accounts and car insurance. H agreed and said it was no big deal. Said he did not want me to worry about it and didn't want this issue to cause problems btw the two of us. (Ok, I'm listening) This is the SIL who does not visit and who told H he should cheat on me after he talked to her about how unhappy he was so my answer was going to be Hell No regardless of the situation.
H 2nd and 3rd calls were related to his business and I assisted him with those issues. I did text him once regarding the utility bill payment and that has been it so far.
I plan to workout again this afternoon. Good stress reliever for me. Not to mention I have few pounds I need to lose in order to reach my ideal weight.
