Its' been a short while since I've been to the forums. Strangely enough I was beginning to feel as though it was running interference on any progress. That's not fair of me, I know, but I have to find the answers in me.
I'm between semesters again and since I've been away I've learned that the cancer I have been diagnosed with is not the end of me. As the specialist put it, "if you're going to have cancer, this is the one you'd want to have." So pending 1 final 'just in case' test, I'll be fine for years on end with no changes "needed" to my diet or lifestyle.
So work is doing great, better than ever and school is still going along well and I should be done by this time next year. What's not doing so well is me.....
I thought I was doing good. I don't much think about my W since she's moved out. She's partying with friends and has people over all the time. I'm not tracking her, just that people seem to think I'm happy to hear about these things in casual conversation and occasionally when she asks me to drop the kids off at her place I see all the cars out front. Seems like for every 10 days of self imposed happiness I live, I have 1 day of hardship. My B-day came a few weeks back and it was hard because I felt alone due to being singled out. The in-laws all sent me text's and my MIL called. She misses me and wants me to come visit.
As for this weekend. My MIL and W went in together to get S12 a new iPhone as an early Christmas gift. I've repeatedly told everyone that if things get any harder financially, I will have to get rid of S12's phone and mine and go with the old analog phones. Not having a smart phone will save me $60 a month and I've already dropped cable. I keep warning them that this is a very possible option for me because I know they will forget and I will be the bad guy for taking the phone away. My W said we'll talk about it. I told her there's nothing to talk about. If I can't afford it, it's gone. I dare not say something dumb like imply that she should pay for it because I'm pretty sure I'll be paying for it through an increase in the alimony she has yet to ask for (still waiting for that paper work - it's coming).
She also brought up that she's going to be taking over the car payment. Last I checked, unless she got a new job, she doesn't make enough to pay $600 a month on top of her other bills and if she and the EA/OM move in together....well, his crazy ex-W and my kids hating him is her direct problem. She can have fun with that honeymoon, I want no part of it. Never mind that both of them live in tiny rental houses that can't fit my 2 kids and his and neither of them makes enough to support the life they think they can have on top of a bigger house. Ugh! Anyway, I didn't bring up her lack of resources on the subject of the car either. I think she believes I'm really that stupid, that she's going to legally bind herself to the $300 a month she's asking for now. Actions speak louder than words and I've seen nothing but actions that go against her words. So I'm sure I'll still be paying the monthly car payment. Whatever.
That was all on Saturday. On to Sunday, and speaking of that car..... I bought her a car a year back. I wanted her to have something she wanted and was quite reputable. I thought about it this weekend and why I hate seeing that car. I really hate seeing that car, even before she moved out several months back. I wanted to know why I felt this way and even though I'm still not 100% on it, I think I get the gist of it. I bought that car for her, hoping it would bring her mind at peace that something mechanical would not go wrong anytime soon and that I care about her and will work hard for her. Yesterday she came by the house to drop off the kids and the OM/EA was driving the car I've been pay $600 a month for for as long as she's had it. I wanted to cry. I don't care that she was with him, it stabbed at me that he was driving it. I struggled greatly to recoup my day, but only having $17 to my name and almost out of gas, I struggled to find something to do with the kids and I didn't have much around for lunch or dinner. Anger, brought about by hurt summed up my weekend.
I haven't had many opportunities to meet new people. School, work and my kids activities has held me pretty much on a short leash. I'm still hopeful that my time will come. I know it will, but days like this past weekend make it hard not to be impatient. I pray everyday still, but last night I prayed for a long time, well begged and pleaded was more like it. I want so bad to get to that place that people talk about, where you've moved on with your life, where the MLC'er is nothing more than a distant past. I look at my house and it frustrates me that I can't afford to paint the walls or buy picture frames to put up. I'm trying, but it's a waiting game since there are more pressing financial matters at present. I can't stand this "Oh poor me" garbage I've been feeling since Saturday. I found myself praying and asking how much more I have to suffer or hurt or be angry. How much longer do I have to feel like less of a person for something I couldn't, or can't do anything about? When my W left, my trust went with her and I'm angry about that. I'm angry I can't have a normal relationship anymore with the in-laws I care so much about because I can't trust that my business will stay my business and not reach my W. I fought for my W for over 2 years, does any of them know that? I keep thinking that I need redemption and that maybe I haven't forgiven myself enough to not need it. I don't know what it is I'm still blaming myself for.
I don't believe in coincidence at all anymore. Not one ounce. I've seen too much of it over the years to not be able to connect the dots between things I've asked for and events that have occurred. I remember saying to myself 2 summers ago that it would probably be best if my W moved out, for example, and here I am today without her. I feel like I'm being watched, as though someone is telling me to be careful what you wish for because they're going to make it happen --> except win the lottery (which I don't play anyway).
I just wanted to speak my mind for a day. I don't know when I'll be back again, only that I need to refocus my energy since I'm still uneasy from the past two days. I hope you all are well and good luck to those that aren't.
