Been served papers - first hearing two weeks away

[Grateful]

Selfishness was a problem of mine while we were married, so I can see why she would think that. We don't have the hearing tomorrow now, so we are on the fast track path legally here.

[Grateful]

I was being selfish looking back on it. She asked to be friends, and that wasn't good enough for me. I pushed her for more. Not good at all.

[Am I Too Late]

I do have a question that I would like answered. I know that the book addresses this a little, but I need more specific. Why am I considered selfish by her for wanting to save the marriage?

Because your wife currently wants something different than you want , which is so oxymoronic because she has not examined her own motives.

Isn't she too then to be considered selfish for what She wants now versus your desires?

My wife wrote that exact same sentiment to me.

Ed

[Grateful]

That's a great point that others have said to me as well. I am not trying the 180 by not contacting her. In the book, it says that is the last ditch effort. I pray that it works.

[ericmsant2]

Grateful,

Why am I considered selfish by her for wanting to save the marriage?

This is how she FEELS today. Her feelings though are probably based on HISTORY.. This may hurt dude…I think need to see it though…

Here are YOUR words…

Selfishness was a problem of mine while we were married

but I can say that I have done everything wrong up to this point

that I didn't love and cherish her like I promised

so I moved into my parents

We have been at the D point for years

I think she was just tired of the ups and downs.

I was quite isolated during the marriage

We lived separate lives.

My main goal was for she and the kids to leave on the weekends, so I could be alone

We have never truly had a close relationships

We lived like roommates

We were married, but only legally

I have suggested, but she will not go. She was willing in the past, but I wasn't then.

To be honest, I do believe that I did break her.

For years, she poured her heart out into the marriage

Did I file for divorce, no? But I went a long way to push her to.

You see Grateful….for a while in the M you were selfish, you did not give it your all, she tried and tried..you just were not ready or incapable of trying with her (FTR, I did the same thing)…so she…

She gave up trying a few years ago and stayed for the kids

IMO, she gave up she FELT that YOU DID NOT want to be married to her so she started the grieving process…quietly…to herself…she did not trust that anything she would say to you would work anymore. She was tried and she was GIVING YOU WHAT SHE THOUGHT (based on your actions) YOU WANTED…she was leaving you alone and planning her exit.

Think about that for sec….she was giving you what she thought you wanted….she was RESPECTING what she FELT you wanted.


IMO, she wants a divorce…a nice quite one…she probably is at the point that NOTHING YOU SAY is going to make a difference to her. SO…..STOP TALKING and START ACTING….

You say you want her back….are you willing to let her go to see if maybe somepoint in the future she will come back? Do you RESPECT HER WISHES enough to give her what it is she is asking for?

I suspect right now – NO. YOU DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE (more on this in a sec)…

Well, I took a couple of steps backwards today. About a month ago, I posted a prayer request about my situation on another Facebook page besides my own. Tuesday, people replied to it, and so did I. One of those people were from the church we attended and she still attends. They starting emailing her. Most didn't know. W was furios.

She is going to be pissed…cause she probably interpreted this as you trying to have other PEOPLE manipulate her…have other people GUILT her into staying. It aint gonna work and will have the opposite effect, which it looked like it did.

As I was saying…about divorce….

Take a look at Cadet’s post below…

There are two types of DIVORCE.
Lets call them Legal and Spiritual.

She can get a legal divorce without your consent.

However it is just a piece of paper.
You should not be afraid of a piece of paper.

If I hit you with a 2x4 it will hurt more than with a piece of paper.

However the other type of divorce requires your consent.
As long as you feel that you are married there is nothing she can do to change your feelings.

Grateful…I am sorry to say but she wants the LEGAL divorce…and chances are you are not going to be able to stop it. The emotional divorce takes time. Honestly, she is probably ahead of you in this dept by virtue of her filing.

I want you to know that YOU can SAVE YOUR R….YOU CAN SAVE THIS…You may end up divorced but YOU can save the R with HER. It takes TIME (a lot of it), it takes work a lot of it….

So…do you love her enough to put aside what it is that YOU WANT (and by no means am I suggesting become a doormat, cave and give her everything including the cloths off your back)? Can you put aside fighting her on the D? Can you LOVE her enough to RESPECT that this is what SHE wants and so you will give it to her in the most respectful and FAIR manner you can?

Let me show you something else….

I asked her to reconsider counceling. She said that she regreted coming now.

She may want to be friends…maybe that is all she can give you right now. YOU want more. YOU want to save this YOUR way. It is not going to happen that way.

I heard the I hope we can be friends comment today. I reacted poorly.

“You reacated poorly”…cuase you did not get what YOU WANTED.

You say that you believe in Christ….

Well then instead of praying for HER BACK…Instead of telling God that this is what YOU want….ask HIM to show YOU….how…

To be the best man you can be…

How to learn from your mistakes….

How to give you strength during this time…

How to respect what she wants….

Grateful, IMO, the way to get her back is to CHANGE YOU…

Change takes time buddy…It does not happen overnight.

Think about what I am saying dude.


FTR, I believe that you CAN become a man that she will want to be with…..I think you can become everything she and YOU wanted…..

IF YOU DO THE WORK.

[eyesopen]

That was a awesome post. I am at that exact point where I have accepted that we will divorce. She believes that it has to happen in order to be happy. She is the mother of my children, and I love her unconditionally so yes I would like to be the one to bring her happiness. Not in the cards right now. So I will continue to become a better person with hopes of meeting again. I may get a shot at Retrouvaille, and if that doesn't help it will be time to let go for awhile. Maybe forever, maybe not. Time will tell.

[Grateful]

It would be easier to let her have what she wants; however, there are two kids involved who hate every minute of this. If it were just me, I could understand just simply giving her what she wants.

[ericmsant2]

Grateful

It would be easier to let her have what she wants;

Actually no it would not. It would be YOU sacraficing what YOU want for what SHE WANTS. That said, I am not saying to call her and tell her to hurry up...only to consider HOW you fight for her.

however, there are two kids involved who hate every minute of this.

Your kids are not losing a mother or father here. Yes, they may not like it but you as there dad can try as best as you can to minimize the pain for them. That said, in life they will experience let downs. It is a part of life.

If it were just me, I could understand just simply giving her what she wants.

Maybe that is her point...you have always done it your way..maybe it is time for her to do it her way.

Maybe you can start by just being her friend dude.

[Mach1]

Just to add on to what Eric said, and to answer your question in a different light...

This is a little something I copied to my personal archives in the beginning .....


Every time you say to them, "But, I love you," you are saying, "but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don't really care what you want. It's what I want that's important."

Lots of times men tell their wives, "I've changed. I've changed. Let's get back together. I've changed."

I tell the husbands that "Every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're communicating to her that you have not changed."

"Really? Why is that? How is that? I don't understand that."

"Of course, you don't understand. But what's your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you've changed? What's your purpose? Isn't it to get your way?"

"Yeah, I want her back."

"That's your way. It's not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're saying, 'Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don't give a hoot what you want."

And subconsciously, she says, "He hasn't changed. He's still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There's no way I'm going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way."


This is how it could be seen as selfish...

[tori2012]

I know how powerless you feel, Grateful. Maybe it's time to surrender to God, and let Him guide you and your wife through whatever is next. I know first hand this is really, really hard, but it's the only way to achieve peace. Trust Him.