Wonder - you have gotten some great advice here! I am in a similar situation. H is currently in the cave, so to speak, mourning OW. He did recently comment about noticing the changes in me, as your H surely will, and that made me feel great.
My therapist is of the opinion I should force R talk - nope, not gonna do it. In fact, when H came back I told him I totally understood there was a greiving process that needed to happen before we could work on our R. He seemed surprised that I said that. When he came back previously I did force the R talk and made a lot of demands of him. Where did that get me? ALONE again!
Whoever posted about the depression is absolutely right on. H has related to me that he is for once "feeling" instead of masking his depression by having OW around. Anyway, I am right here with you in the "slow" boat. Keep up the good work! P
Update: I mentioned to H this week on unrelated cell message that I wanted to wish him a happy birthday in case I did not see him on the actual day. He called to say that he had no birthday plans so we decided we would do something together. He appeared pleased that I remembered. I will leave it up to him to decide how he'd like to spend the time-- it is, after all, his birthday.
3lw, Oh, I know what you mean about forcing the R talk. I did that in that past too-- aggressively. My therapist advised me not to do this, but I did because I wanted answers... and ended up where you said! Putting that firmly in the camp of what does not work.
Hello..you seem to know what direction youa re going..that's what alot of this place is all about..I know that I would not be the strong person I am without all the help from the BB..I have lived this past year as if my h won't be coming back home, and it looks almost pretty sure he won't be, but we are very good friends...and I feel confident that I will survive on my own..scared to death..yes, but strong enough to live each new day that dawns.
Keep foccusing on what you need to do for yourself
I know what direction I *want* to go in... but I don't know that I am always going there! My H says he wants the same things I want-- I believe him. And I hope he holds up his end of the deal.
Here's a positive step: We spent his birthday together. He came to our home for a casual dinner, wine, movie. It was the first time he's been here in quite a while and he seemed pretty comfortable overall. He brought the movies and I made the food and bought his favorite dessert. We cuddled, talked a lot about things we've been up to and interested in, he shared a little of his moving plans and a little emotion about what he's going through too. I felt good about it.
I think I'm really trying to find the balance of what will work for both of us-- and to keep my own desire to move past this quickly in check. This is hard. How do we make this a safe place for both of us... and how much can I reasonably expect from him right now?
I agree with you--I have learned more from the people on this BB than I've ever learned anywhere. It's not right that we've had to go through this to become stronger women, but the strength is sure handy. You sound very strong to me.
I posted this on my thread in Newcomers as well...
H mentioned during our dinner the other evening that he is considering leaving our dog temporarily with OW instead of having me care for him. This is because OW has another dog for him to play with and because he thinks having our rambunctious dog is a lot for him to put on me. He has not made a decision, just something he's thinking about because he can't have the dog in his new place.
I am not at all comfortable with this. I just listened to his rationale and told him it was up to him but that I knew what dog care entailed and was happy to have the dog here. I am still feeling very uncomfortable with the whole idea.
I think I need to tell him how uncomfortable I am with this... otherwise I am concerned it's going to breed mistrust between us a time when we are learning to trust each other again.
I'd tell him. When he brings it up, tell him you appreciate his concern about you, and how he does not want to burden you, but you love him and would not find taking care of his dog a burden.
Make it all about you, not about OW at all. And be totally non-accusing. You know well inside how to tell him so that he'll listen.
Sorry, I had not been about the bb much lately, I've had a few rough days...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Quote: When he brings it up, tell him you appreciate his concern about you, and how he does not want to burden you, but you love him and would not find taking care of his dog a burden.
Aahh! I'm sticking with you, Opt.!
This is along the lines of what I said initially, minus the ILY-- only your words say it much better than I did!
I do think he probably already sensed my discomfort as he's pretty quick that way (and I'm pretty transparent, come to think of it).
So when I talk with him, I will just go ahead and reinforce that... and listen to any concerns he might have if he has them.
You're absolutely right about the accusing thing-- I wasn't even thinking that, but there have been times when what I've said has come across that way even when I didn't mean it to.
And another goal met... my H spent the night last night. He initiated this visit.
Was lots of casual talk. no R talk. lots of physical affection. I had texted him the night before and he mentioned liking that.
I made breakfast and we hung out for a while. H was smiling a lot... this I like to see.
One not so positive-- H had great difficulty sleeping and seemed a little uncomfortable in the a.m. We still are getting used to each other again in some ways, that's clear.
I did tell him I was not going to push him on R talk but that I was here when he was ready for that. He thanked me for that.
Overall, he is seeming much better, more relaxed with me. He looks much better too.
This all seems pretty positive so far. I wish he'd come out of the cave of needing his space sooner though... this is especially difficult for me because of how much more he's shared at other times.
But I am keeping faith that he'll get there. How long does this kind of thing tend to take? I want to be sure he has space if he needs it, but also want to be sure I am not withdrawing or miscommunicating... or overdoing it.
What a balancing act this is. Any and all advice on this is very appreciated!!
Still not sure what's going on with the dog...H is in his new apt. (doesn't seem to like it there). I suspect the dog is not all that is still at OWs but he's not mentioned anything about that. I am thinking this is his deal to figure out and I should stay out of that end of things... is this reasonable?
I haven't been posting much... here or getting around to people's threads... I apologize. I'm working really hard right now to keep my head above water financially and need to spend more time on that.
Update and questions:
My patience is on a thin line these days... but I am trying hard. I read the 5 LLs book this week, finally. And it helped me to reinforce that I make the choice whether to do loving things or not... also made me sad because it showed me clearly that LLs (and depression) was really the heart of our sitch all along.
My H is looking better and this seems important, esp. his face-- hard to explain, but it's like night and day. His demeanor, though, is often still very "me" (meaning him) focused and our most recent interactions though pleasant have left me wondering whether we're in this together.
My anxiety is at a high this a.m. He really wants health insurance and I can add him to mine now during renewal period... so I asked if he was interested in that. He immediately said yes, said he'd pay for it (he has to, there is no way I can) and that was it-- off the phone, he's having a bad day. But I have serious fears and concerns about whether I can rely on him for the money and it was like he did not want to even hear my thoughts about it, what the arrangements are, etc. Dismissed is a good description of how I felt.
I don't feel reassured. And the dog sitch is the same. Even though he says he is worried about it being a burden for me, the reality is that having the dog at OW is a much bigger burden emotionally for me. But these things go unrecognized and unacknowledged. In fact, I am getting a sense that any concerns of mine seem like a bother for him to even think about.
On the one hand, I see H being pretty resourceful in moving ahead... and he is dealing with a lot of his own stuff which I am compassionate about. On the other hand, if it has anything to do with responsibilities related to me or concerns that I have, it's like he's just not too interested. I'm not sure I can keep that part up.
Don't want to sound all gloomy. Mostly, I am optimistic because there are major improvements. And I have been doing some fun things with friends and have some new leads and ideas on starting my business rather than being too obsessed about this.
But I think selling my home is becoming inevitable... can't seem to find a roommate to fill the gap. I guess what's really eating at me is that H knows how this kind of thing makes me anxious and he is showing really no interest in how I am doing on that front.
And I know that if we were approaching our financial health together, we'd be able to turn it around very easily for both of us. If we are going to be together, seems to me we could be making life a lot easier for both of us right now.
Anyway, time to go and make some productive use of my snow day! For those that have been kind enough to be following my thread in newcomers, I'm moving over here to simplify this posting thing!
Wonder would love some advice. Our sitch are very similar and you seemed to have come such a long way. If you could give me any advice on how to get through I'd appreciate it. I'm in newcomers ESCAPE FROM THE FOREST
Thanks Joanne
Always questioning???
Not always sad!!!
Joanne
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to not stop questioning. Albert Einstein
