Are you planning to go to counseling? Just a word of warning. Many people who have found their way to Piecing skip counseling so they don't resolve what got them here in the first place and they find themselves back on here in a couple years when the R has cooled down and they revert back to old habits.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
In your first post, you said you had not been a perfect H but that you had had good intentions. Well, she may even have good intentions, but please don't believe you are anywhere near through with all of this. Even if she doesn't pick things back up with the same OM, she'll be exceptional vulnerable to another one.
I don't think you're into piecing yet. My story was different, but I've learned that there isn't much difference in women who want to walk away from a M. I learned that affairs are highly addictive. Even if the OM treats her badly, she returns for her "fix".
I don't try to be unkind, but you need to know how it really plays out in most cases we read about here. Your M can be saved with a lot of time and much work. It hasn't had enough of either one.
What I fear may be happening right now with her is she's spiting the OM by R with you. She got angry at him and the best way to get back at him is to stay with her H. But what happens when OM tries to make up? It may even be your W that makes the first move toward him. It depends which one feels the "withdrawal" the worst and the quickest.
From what I have read, experienced, and observed.....there is one thing and one thing only that works with a WAW who has been involved with another man (emotionally or physically) and that is to drop the rope and live your life as if you will be just fine without her.
As long as you are giving her all this "attention", she will not want you. I promise you that your sex life will go cold and she will return to her distant ways.
Anyway, you will find out pretty quickly how serious she really wants to work at the M. If she doesn't want any M counseling....that's a bad sign. If you do get counseling, please make sure he/she is pro-marriage or you'll end up in a D.
Regardless of how things go, I hope you stay here and post every day possible. Once in a while isn't good b/c people won't respond as much and it just won't help you as much.
I hope you won't leave Newcomers b/c that's where you need to stay for quite a while.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandi2 - It's been a few weeks since I last posted. I have read your post over and over and agree with everything you said. My W and I have been living together since she asked me to come home. At first she was close but has become somewhat distant again. At times she can be very close and at other times it seems like she wants nothing to do with me. We do not kiss unless I initiatie it (and I seldom do to respect her space). We do not say I love you...although she said it once recently but not sure if it slipped out of her mouth. We have our routine with the kids and dinner etc. After the kids are in bed she will usually come sit next to me and ask that I rub her feet. That is the extent of me touching her. We continue to be intimate at times but she seldom initiates. She continues to be focusing on herself and is more interested in her work outings and staying out drinking. She does assure me that I have nothing to worry about in terms of any ongoing affairs as she is not interested in any of that. She admits that it was a mistake and that she just wants to have a social life. I have been supportive and even encourage her to have a social life. I have gotten her a hotel room a few times so that she does not have to worry about driving home from her work outings etc. We live in the same house and talk about long term plans but i feel lost without getting any affetion or attention from my W. It is painful for me not to be abe to kiss my wife or show her any affection. It feels like i am an afterthought and only when it is convenient does she have me in mind. I wil continue to post updates. Thanks
Here is another brief update regarding my situation. I asked my W if she wanted to try marriage counceling and she said why bother...what can they do to help. I dont want to force the issue but i flat asked her if doing nothing was her way of trying to make it work and she just responded with a yup. Should I just let this counceling issue be for now or should I bring it up again at a later time?
Have you looked into Retrouvaille? It is not MC, it's a retreat that teaches couples how to communicate better. It's really effective for couples that are having trouble but aren't giving up yet. You might also consider a DB coach, I believe they will do couples counseling although typically they counsel LBS's. Either of these options would be MUCH more successful than a typical MC.
If your W is not interested in resolving issues between you, then regular MC probably would not help right now.
I want to ask you a question about kissing her. You said you initiate it, but does she "really" kiss you back? A lot can be measured by how she responds to your kisses. The fact she isn't interested in you touching her (except to rub her feet) is not a good sign....even if she had not met OM.
I understand you wanting assurance that your W is not still involved with OM, but the signs all point that she is. Asking her over & over is not good. It won't change anything, other than make her lie more.
The fact that she's going out dranking without her H....and you are even getting her hotel rooms so she doesn't have to go home, sure makes it easy for her to cheat. I realize if she wants to cheat....she will, but somehow you paying for the hotel room just seems wrong to me. However, a WAW involved in an A would do exactly that....take advantage.
There's nothing wrong with having a social life, but if she was truly trying to get her M where it needs to be....and if she was truly trying to get over her A.....she would not need to be going out without her H.......at least not the way you have described her "type" of socializing and the fact she isn't interested in you touching her.
A lot of women who are having an A likes to have the H as a good friend, and OM as her romantic interest. You don't have to believe this just b/c I've said it. But at some point, I think you will find out that she's not over him. I hope you will consider using the LRT.
I hope you will post more often and reach out to other people on their threads. It will get more responses to your stitch.
BTW, you spoke about feeling lost without your W's affection. Are you getting out and getting your own life or do you stay home while she's out?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So it has been a few months since I posted here. A lot has changed. My W and I live seperatly now as I moved out a few weeks ago. She had planned a "girls" weekend out of state and I found out that she ended up sleeping over a guy "friends" house one of the nights. When I confronted her she did admit it but stood her ground in that nothing happened. Her excuse what that it was late and she did not want to take a cab ride (about 40 min) that late at night. I was not able to deal with that information in a contructive way and we ended up having a huge argument. In the end she said she wanted to get a divorce. The next morning she said that maybe we shoudl just live apart and not file anything legal for now...so I moved out. Its been about 3 weeks now and it has been a huge adjustment for me. I feel like I am in limbo as i dont know what our status is. I tried to ask and she just keeps saying that I am asking too many questions and she does not have the answers. SHe said she is going to take it one day at a time and whatever happens happens. She has shown no sign of trying to make anything better and has come across as just moving on without me. All of my friends are telling me to do the same and to get out and meet new people and friends. I am having a hard time letting go and moving on (although she seems to be doing just fine doing that). We see each other when I pick up or drop off the kids. I have my good days and my bad days. We are scheduled to go on a vacation that was planned months ago with our children. A part of me is telling me that I need to GAL and just move forward and not worry about what other people think. This is not easy but a part of me still wants this to work...I obviously still have strong feeling for her where she does not for me. I guess that is what makes it hard.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
