I've been posting over in Newcomers since the fall, but reading lots and visiting here.
I could really use the advice and patience-boosting of the people over here. My H is talking about wanting his M back and is right now making a transition from OW place to his own place. The goal we've both talked about is his coming home. He feels he needs some time on his own first. I think that makes sense.
The biggest thing I'm struggling with is that he's withdrawn more since telling me that this is what he wants to do. He keeps asking for my patience, but other than that, he's actually communicating with me and opening up with me less.
I don't know what to do with this most of the time. Mostly I am keeping the lines open, being a friend and giving him the space he says he needs, keeping my own life moving ahead.
Welcome to Piecing. Your H sounds like he's where my H is at and my H IS back home.
Quote: I don't know what to do with this most of the time. Mostly I am keeping the lines open, being a friend and giving him the space he says he needs, keeping my own life moving ahead.
What I'm hearing from the BB folks is to leave H alone and let him come through this on his own. I'm doing what you're doing. Maybe we can piece together.
Quote: Mostly I am keeping the lines open, being a friend and giving him the space he says he needs, keeping my own life moving ahead.
What can I say? You're on the nose!
Quote: he's withdrawn more since telling me that this is what he wants to do. He keeps asking for my patience, but other than that, he's actually communicating with me and opening up with me less.
This is normal, especially after breaking it off with OW. I don't know the details of your situation, but I would say that there may be some grieving involved. He may not feel comfortable in sharing this with you, or he may not understand his own feelings right now.
Sounds to me like he is in that delightful back and forth transitional stage. If so, patience will be your greatest ally.
You're getting great advice here. There's a few things that could be contributing to the distancing. I've heard and read a lot about a grieving time after the end of an A...even bad relationships need to be grieved to some degree.
He may have been very depressed and using OW to hide from his pain for awhile. Now that is over and he may still be depressed and now having to feel like crap for what he has done too.
Cave time is needed. My H had a relatively short A, but took 9 months to come back. I think the cave time helped in Jeanine's husband's case also, as I recall.
You're doing great. One thing you may suggest is that while he's living in his own place--you two date. Really do it like your dating. It helps in a lot of ways, and is also a comfortable way to transition.
Quote: I think the cave time helped in Jeanine's husband's case also, as I recall.
You recall correctly, Tal. Cave time was essential in my H's recovery.
And as Tal pointed out, your H may have been, and possibly still is, depressed. Again, not uncommon.
It would seem that in order for the WAW spouse to find their balance, they need to grieve for the damage they've caused by their past discretions and face some very unpleasant realizations.
Quote: It would seem that in order for the WAW spouse to find their balance, they need to grieve for the damage they've caused by their past discretions and face some very unpleasant realizations.
Indeed Jeannine. My H says he has written me a number of letters but never sent them, due to unsureness, cowardice etc. Also says he needs to find the ground underneath his own feet perhaps even more than I do! Well, that's a turn up for the books, as at bombshell time he was painting a picture of me as a shadow, a wreck, someone who was crumpled and pathetic, and I took great objection to being depicted that way!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: He may have been very depressed and using OW to hide from his pain for awhile. Now that is over and he may still be depressed and now having to feel like crap for what he has done too.
Yes, he has been depressed and is depressed still. We've discussed that actually. He's come home before-- quickly and just like that and was very depressed then and confided that he'd felt that way a long time.
I'm sure there is also a bit of grieving involved here. He cares for this person, no matter what I think of her.
And yeah, he really does feel like crap. He's told me this a fair amount. He's said several times that he wonders why I want anything to do with him.
I guess this is the part I am finding hard... he's talked to me a lot about this stuff before... we've had some deep conversations. Now he's not really talking about it, or anything else. It is different. Maybe that's significant?
While he's dealing with this, I'm restless. So I'm headlong into all my projects... and wondering how on earth not spending time or energy on one another when we've said that is what we want is going to bring us closer.
Patience is just one of many things to have while on this wild ride..giving him the space to sort himself out sounds like a great thing..it is great that you are continuing with your life...don't fall into a trap of not being able to function..you sound strong and you seem to know what needs to be done...look around at the positives that are in your life..I know we don't usually see any, but they are there!!
Thanks Sue. I do feel pretty strong. I have been in the non-functioning trap... wait until I feel better. right after initial bomb, with a little 24-hr trip back after I discovered him in a lie (about a year ago). It is just awful. Definitely not going back there!
Actually, since all this has been going on so long, I've become better at "my" life... setting and meeting my own goals and have a lot of people who support me in those things. You're SO right about having postive things to be grateful for-- I have so many of those and I'm really fortunate to be able to say that.
I think postinghere has helped me see something: I am also reaching a point where I need to make some changes-- mostly I can't afford to live in my house alone anymore; doing this has put me into debt-- I think some of my restlessness is about wanting to know if he's really in this with me as I get ready to deal with the decisions I might have to make.
There's a lot I'd like to talk about with H right now but I don't want to force a discussion either. He knows what the situation is. And right now, I'm sick, so it will have to wait... but I think I just figured something out here.
