Searching, trying - still going, but how?

[keep_going]

I guess I should start a new thread.

Here is the last one
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2289419&page=1

And I am copying my last post as well...

---

NLW, GMom, Bug, Grace - thank you for caring and being here.

There are so many things that have been going on in my mind that are keeping me down lately.

The biggest one is that I am not progressing with my changes as I would like. I am not even talking about H right now, I mean just me, being more patient, more detached of what hurts me, more loving and compassionate, less judgmental, more forgiving, less angry...

I am overwhelmed to say the least. Finances, the daily routine, D process, the kids. I seem to be just trying to survive these past couple of weeks and when I finally have a break or time for myself, I have just been too exhausted and depressed and become paralyzed.

I also just found out that my best friend is moving out of state and that has me devastated as well. She has been there for me all this time, listening, supporting me and helping out in more ways I can describe. The truth is that I don't have a lot of friends in LA. First because I don't have a lot of time for a social life (either now or before H left). In addition, most of my social network consisted of mutual friends with H (most have kept their distance since our split for whatever reason), or friends from work, who I don't see much anymore because I am not working and they all are. Plus I have also stayed away from a lot of people because I have not been ready to discuss my sitch.

I still sometimes feel embarrassed to tell people, even after all this time. I know it's not healthy and I should not care, but when I am down like this, people's reactions sometimes seem so tactless to me...I feel (and I know it's mind-reading) that people either feel sorry for me or wonder what kind of person I must be for my H to leave me like that.

I have also been thinking about how I gave up my career, something I enjoyed, where I felt appreciated and productive. I don't regret doing it - it was necessary and I am happy to be home with my kids. But it's hard to give up a lifestyle where you have an important role, people respect you, admire you and listen to you (none of which I was getting from my H for many years). Now I am dealing with my girls, who are struggling emotionally and my little baby boy as a single parent, with no support from H because he doesn't want to admit they are struggling. And so my days consist mainly of kids care, cleaning, kids activities and domestic errands. I have been frustrated and have been reacting with zero patience with the kids lately. Afterwards I feel awful and guilty and get even more frustrated by it.

On the other hand, I am tired of worrying about my financial situation. I have done what I thought best in these last two years to avoid this fiasco and to save money, only to find my H live it up with OW. When the bomb dropped I was just too overwhelmed and shocked and could only focus on my kids and getting through my pregnancy. I was too overwhelmed to try to also save our family's financial situation, so very early on I made the hard decision to leave it on H's hands, which turned out to be a big mistake... I am now tired of living as frugally as possible and feeling I now have no control of what my financial future will look like.

I am also tired of being in limbo with H and trying to stay mentally committed to my marriage and forget about H's actions. I cannot go dark and it's hard to see him almost every day... It's hard to see him so happy, knowing he is living a new life, with a second chance at love with OW while I am just trying to make it one day at a time after being discarded like trash. I cannot describe how rejected and left behind I have felt and how hard it is to find some sense of self esteem sometimes.

And I am just so freaking lonely. I just miss my H, period. I miss my best friend, I miss sharing my life, having someone to talk to, to hang out with, to share my thoughts, to laugh with, to joke with, to raise my kids with, to watch TV with, to enjoy sports with, to go to the beach with, to wake up with and go to bed with. Someone who loves me, appreciates me, wants to hear what I have to say, someone who cares about my feelings, someone who loves me and that I can love as well. I simply miss our family and our life together, period. It's been almost two torturous years not only of being alone, but of having to see the love of my life so detached from me, just treating me like he would any neighbor.

And yes, I feel like I should be feeling better by now. Like I should miss him less now. Like I should not get this down on myself anymore...

Yes, I am depressed. The truth is I have been since H left. When my S was born, my Dr. who knew my sitch with H told me I needed to go on AD because I was also going thru post-partum D... I didn't follow with it. I have always been afraid of ADs, fearing I can become addicted, but I need them. I slowly started to feel better, but it's hitting me hard again. And I just cannot see myself surviving this holiday season if I don't do something. I also need to get back to counseling, but I have to wait until we get some income again...

It just seems like everything is crashing down at once. I am hoping that journaling here will help as well. The kids come back tomorrow AM and I need to be ready for the week, smile on my face, full of energy and ready to try to be the best mom I can for them.

[2chiquitos]

KG,
Don't underestimate yourself. You have been through a very rough time. I can relate with the 1yo and toddler(s). And on top of that your sitch and finances.

As a stay at home mom, I am counting every single penny. H says he does that same, but I don't know that for sure.

I also have struggled to detach, and I have tried. I like to think that I'm progressing. Slowly, but I'm getting there.

This weekend I had a depressive relapse. I should be on AD but I choose to nurse. I was reminded that I have shut a lot of people out because of my sitch. Another choice that I have made. I want to live in a more serene place and this is the result of it.

I'm trying to build new friendships but that takes time. I have to just be patient.

BTW, I'm also in LA...
take care of KG!

[jks]

I want you to you know that you are loved. I know it's not the same as having someone right there to say it to your face. But in my short time of knowing you, I have really come to respect the things that you say. You are a beautiful person and sometimes you can't be expected to do it all.

I know so much this pain and the overwhelming thoughts that consume your mind constantly. I am there with you. I was reading this and it could have been my journal entry... really.

One thing that I was told my Accuray is that the best thing you can do for yourself when you're feeling more up, make plans for the future so that when you do eventually go down again you'll already have those things set it place. It actually is a very effective thing because the way you describe the feeling of being paralyzed once you're alone... you would be forced to go out and do something because you already made commitments. I struggle with that same feeling of being paralyzed and so now on my days without my kids, I'm really trying to, in advance, have things planned.

In my area, they actually have a meetup group for divorced women. And they do a lot of healing activities like speaking about forgiveness and discussing it. Or just doing a BBQ and bringing your kids so you can get out and talk with ladies that are going through what you are. Such a great way to make new friends and to feel like you have some support in your area. If you don't find anything like that, maybe you could start one? IDK.

Today I was at church and we were talking about faith. A lot of women had raised their hands to share experiences about faith that they had to exercise in their lives. And three in a row spoke about divorce and being remarried and what a trial it was to get where they were today but the thing that got them through was faith. That God would take care of things and he would help them through. I looked at these beautiful women and thought, it's so interesting that they had gone through what I'm going through and look at how happily married they are now.

It gave me a lot of hope. That my H isn't the only one for me and that I really don't have that many things wrong with me like I keep continuing to think. That's what seems to get me down a lot lately. That I won't be good for anyone because I'm so messed up. I'm really not that messed up, though, when I look at the grand scheme of things.

We are both perfectly capable women who can make it in this world with or without a man. That independence can be very empowering. This trial was given to you to make you stronger. And it will. Look at how far you've come already. And the things you say to me, they hit me so hard. I know you have it in you... I know it's just the constant struggle with this takes it's toll on a person and there are times that you want to throw your hands up and say, ENOUGH!!

And I've noticed every time I go through that wave, I come out more on top of it and more grateful for my strength. If you really think about it, maybe sitting watching TV with your H right now really wouldn't be as wonderful as you think it would be. I had the opportunity to do those very things with my H after he left me and I can tell you that the feelings were definitely awkward and not the same. So when I think back on that, do I really miss him or do I miss who he used to be for me? Most definitely the latter.

I hate that he has done this to you as far as your finances go. That really is one of the most unfair parts about your whole situation. Continue to protect yourself in that respect.

I hope you're doing ok tonight. I will be around. Be good to yourself... just like you told me. ((((KG))))

[AnotherStander]

Yes, I am depressed. The truth is I have been since H left. When my S was born, my Dr. who knew my sitch with H told me I needed to go on AD because I was also going thru post-partum D... I didn't follow with it. I have always been afraid of ADs, fearing I can become addicted, but I need them.

It really does sound like you do need them. I totally understand your concerns as I am the same way. I really did not like the idea of getting on long-term med's like that. But my sitch was completely destroying my life and I was not able to pull myself out of it. I was at the end of my rope and got on A/D's. Unfortunately they do not work right away, it takes 3 to 6 weeks for them to really stabilize and for your body to adjust, but I went from severe depression to being back to my normal self in that time. They don't take the pain of the sitch completely away, but it becomes much more manageable and doesn't affect the normal functioning of life (getting work done at home and the office, enjoying time with the kids, enjoying hobbies, etc.) They've made it much easier for me to detach and maintain a PMA too.

A/D's are not addictive, about the only thing you have to worry about is if you decide to go off of them it's not a good idea to go cold turkey. You have to slowly reduce the amount you're taking over weeks or months so that your body can adjust to the changes.

[needgrace]

((((((((((((((((((kg)))))))))))))))

dear sweet lady,

i am so so sorry that you are hurting so much right now and i am glad that you are sharing it here, with us.

i so admire you kg... your strength... i do not know how i would have handled what you have been through these past two years.

i truly believe that what takes us away from our true selves is fear and hurt.. and that in piling on more expectations, we create more fear...that doubt that we have what it takes or are capable of being who we want to be.

and as high achievers, which i get the impression you are, we expect so much from ourselves.. and are constantly fighting to get there.. makes us good in business or as a mom but not so good to ourselves sometimes...

what i am trying to do... a work in progress ... is to accept where I am at without condemnation... and sometimes just in the acceptance is a bit of freedom, a small space away from the darkness.

and from a place of acceptance comes the courage to move forward again... to be nice enough to myself to care for myself even when i don't want to care.. and you have kept going, KG, through all of it, you have somehow found the courage and strength to keep moving..

i am sorry about your friend moving.. that is quite a loss, i am sure.. but don't forget that there are other people in LA who understand what you are feeling and would gain from knowing you...

we all struggle with being compassionate, patient, detached, forgiving.. that is the human condition.. i think that the path to more compassion is to be more compassionate to yourself, the path to being patient and forgiving is to give yourself those things first... and to realize that those things are just a defense against the fear and hurt that you feel right now.

i think a good question for all of us here is: what can I do today to take care of me?

((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))

[labug]

Ya'll need your own MeetUp group.

[keep_going]

Vero - Thanks for stopping by. I am sorry to hear that you also had a rough weekend, your situation is not easy. It sounds like we are both struggling with similar issues. Right now I am just forcing myself to look outside my own situation to reach out to others. We can do this together and we will be ok. Are u on the ALT? I will search for you there. It would be lovely to meet in person.

jks - Dear friend, thanks again for your support and taking the time to write such a beautiful post just for me. It makes me feel very special and I know that you also have your plate full. Coming here this morning and reading all the posts I got this weekend has helped me a lot. I am feeling better. Thank you for helping me regain my focus and warming up my heart.

AS - Thank you for stopping by and encouraging me. I realize I had some misconceptions about ADs. You helped clarify them and made them less scary for me, so thank you. I will pay you a visit on your own thread and try to show you my support as well.

NG - what can I say... You have been trying to pick me up when you have been having such a hard time yourself. (I wished the Yankees would follow your example. I know we would be doing better at this point - LOL...) No, seriously, I cannot thank you enough. You are so strong and such a generous friend and I am fortunate to have you in my life. I am holding your hand now and we will get thru to the other side together.

Labug - In honor of your beautiful and powerful writing style...
Thank you - you made me smile. I love you, my friend.


I am feeling better thanks to all of you. I have to go now but will be back tonight to check in on everyone. Have a great rest of the day.

[bustingout]

KG....((((((( )))))))

i read your post when i was at work today and couldn't respond because honestly it made me cry. You expressed yourself in such a beautiful way that touched me deeply. What you wrote is also me.

i think you expressed so much of what we feel but can't express. so thank you for that.

and because i know how you feel i can only say i am sorry. and i wish i could give you a hug and just sit with you and talk, laugh and cry (ok and maybe have some wine too :-) )

We have a lot to navigate though...our contribution to the sitch, Hs contribution to the sitch, children (emotional, mental and physical care) our own health, OPs, faith, commitment, conviction, pain, hope, etc etc i can go on and on.. and sometimes its like we don't get a break from it as we watch our spouses supposedly living it up and not dealing with any of the destruction they left behind.

I think its normal to feel what you wrote. and honest and healthy to express it the way you did here.

You are a strong and beautiful woman KG. You have given me so much over the past few months ..you really are my friend.

you will get through this and it will be better than you imagined no matter what.

i believe that. i really do.

love you KG (((((( )))))

[2chiquitos]

KG I'm not on the alt. :-(
I LOVE taking the kids to the zoo. Maybe we can meet there??

[keep_going]

Journaling...

It seems like the hot topic going around on the boards is fear.
One of the most important pieces of advice I have received has been to face my fears and determine how they affect my behavior.

I know what they are and I believe I have "managed" a few of them, but some others are still lurking, hitting me when I least expect it and I still have not found the antidote for them. So I want to journal on those main fears, just as an exercise for myself.

My greatest fear...that I cannot change. I know I have made some improvements, but my biggest challenges are still there - my anger and my short fuse. They don't come out with H anymore, I don't act out, yet there are still a lot of triggers and issues that cause resentment and anger. I try to deal with them as related to H, but they still come out in other relationships. I have to dig deeper and deal with the issues in other key relationships, so I know I still have a long way to go. I know that as long as I don't deal with the underlying issues, the anger will be there and I will have no chance with H or with any other R in my life.

I try to remind myself that this is a life-long process and that I cannot tackle everything and everyone at once. Yet time passes by and things need to change, I am not getting younger and the opportunities I have to mend certain R are there now and might not be tomorrow. I feel the pressure and know the importance of visible, substantial improvements in the short term.

My fear of not changing also relates to my H who has now changed for the better. When he first left he was depressed, but now he is happier than the last few years we were together. He is back to being the jovial guy I met, yet not with me and not for me. He is attentive, loving, generous, caring, fun - both with our kids and with OW. He is the most amazing father and I know he is a great partner and lover with OW.

I see him and I cannot help feel sad - that was the H I met, the H I missed for so many years, the H I yearned to reconnect with for many years. I made him so unhappy, he stopped being that wonderful person and I was not aware or able to make him happy again, another woman did. For this reason, I think only a miracle would make him ever reconsider coming back to me and this thought makes me sad and angry. When I see him doing so well, I find it hard to forgive myself.

I also fear that I will not get over my H. That I will continue loving him, remain stuck and not be able to move on with my life. I know I will be ok if he doesn't come back. I know I will be a good mom and will make my kids happy. I know that I will be independent and thrive in other areas of my life. Yet in terms of having a romantic R with another man, I need to get over H. I know the great man he is, the wonderful man I hurt and didn't appreciate and have now lost. I am afraid to remain stuck and become the bitter, sad, depressed and angry ex, while he has moved on and found happiness with OW.

I am also afraid that OW will be better than me and replace me with my children. I'd love to say that she is a b!tch, or crazy, or 25 years younger or older than my H, or immature, or selfish. On the contrary, she is a great mom, an independent woman, accomplished and most of all, happy, full of life and love for all around her. Those are all the things I didn't give my H for many years... the things he needed from me. I know she will be a good step-mom, a great step-mom for my kids. I have had a haunch from the get go that she would be huge in my H's life and if I know him, he will marry her. Ironically she is very similar to me in many ways and I know she fulfills his needs very well and they compliment each other well. No chance for me...

I fear that if I cannot change and become as happy, full of life and loving as she is, my kids will become closer to her. I can honestly see that happening. I know the time that I will finally meet her in person is coming very soon - H has warned me that she will start attending kids' activities and I am terrified. Terrified of my reaction, of not comparing well, of her looking better, acting happier, being nicer...

I know it's totally up to me, but changing has been so hard for me. I have all the best intentions, conviction and I don't give up, but the results are just not where I would want them to be. On the other hand, I fear that even if I change, I will never be that super happy, bubbly extrovert person she is. That is just not my personality and I don't know that I can become that after all I have gone through and all the scars I carry with me.

I also fear that if my H, who told me I was the love of his life, stopped loving me and left me at my most vulnerable time, at the time when his kids and family needed him the most and when he had the most to lose and leave behind, if he was able to do that and not look back, then what can I expect from another man? Who will want a R with someone with three young children and all the complications of a life with me? And how will I ever be able to trust someone at that level again? Yes, this experience has left a fear of being unlovable and easily discarded.

So there they are... My worst fears. I try hard to counteract them and fight them. I sometimes do well and others not so much. I know where the answers lie - in the hard work I need to do to change myself and my life. Yet at times it is just so hard...