Time for an Introduction...and Thanks

[figure-it-out]

Hey Brian,
Thanks for checking in. It's been pretty busy in my life the past week or so. Trying to finally nail down "the" car for my D. Hopefully I'll have that wrapped up today.
S is still going strong in baseball. He gets a little break in terms of practice this week so he's excited to hang out with his friends in the neighborhood.
Me? Work as usual. I did go to the local college football game with some friends last Sat. and had a good time. Rec'd some texts from H while I was there in regards to picking up S. I think he thought I was working at the game as I sometimes do for D cheer team. When he found out I wasn't the "sorry if I'm interrupting your date" texts started. I think I did pretty well at deflecting those and only asnwering what pertained to S. Just wanted to say "DUDE, you're LIVING with someone, what would you care!!" but I didn't.
Good news is he must have decided to not introduce S/D to OW/Girlfriend. I'm taking each week as it comes with that situation. We talked about it, he knows how I feel and ultimately will do what he wants. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
On the D front, he's supposed to fill out his PRELIMINARY disclosure docs (even though he filed in March of 2011) by Oct. 18th. Hasn't been done yet and I doubt it will. That's OK with me.
So, all in all things are going pretty well. Trying to make some more time for me and dealing with the H stuff as it comes.
How about YOU? How have you been??

[Brian in Hville]

Glad you had some fun this weekend. My team was off (Alabama). His reaction just shows he wants to be a cake eater!

I am glad he decided to not introduce is OW to your children. That wouldn't be good for them (especially since that won't last). But you are right, he is selfish and will do what he wants without regard.

You keep your head up and enjoy YOUR life. Your H isn't the one that makes you happy...you are.

As for me, I have been wonderful. Kinda seeing someone but she is a bit older then me (11 years). just going to enjoy the company for now. Funny thing...She used to work with me ex. So she had to send her an email the other day just to let my ex know we were seeing each other. Talk about weird!

[figure-it-out]

Glad you're doing so well Brian! No harm in taking things slow and seeing what develops. Small world your new friend previously working with your ex. She told your ex you are seeing each other? How did that go?
Journaling...
Finally was able to get my D a CAR yesterday. She is beyond excited and so am I!! She is so good about helping me with S when she has some free time. Hopefully now I can start using those Groupon certificates I have for excercise classes.

H was at the house to take S to practice when we got home last night (hanging out with the neighbors again). He seemed truly happy for D and more importantly INTERESTED in the car. It was good to see them interacting like that again. H sat in the car, was going over all the accessories and as a joke even made her get in the trunk to see how much would fit in it!

[figure-it-out]

Journaling...
Knocked down a little bit today. Feeling it more than I should probably so I'm hoping getting it down on (cyber) paper will help get it out of my system.
H picked up S yesterday and we had a relatively good conversation. There are some things going on with my SIL and her family that we got caught up on.
Went to a cooking class with SIL today. When I got home S was already here. I asked him how his night was, how grandma was (that's where he thinks H is living) and he informed me that they didn't stay at grandmas last night. He said H had to walk a "friends" dog so they stayed at the "friends" house since "friend" was out of town.
I knew instantly where he stayed. I asked S where he slept and he said on an air mattress with H. He said they just played XBox all night and that H brought him home around 1:00.
I don't know why this is affecting me the way it is. I don't know if I assumed since it had bee a couple of weeks since H and I talked about him taking S to his "place" and it hadn't happened I figured he had changed his mind or if H taking S there makes it more "real".
I'm just feeling really upset about it. I'm glad on one hand she wasn't there but if it's coming then anyway it's almost like ripping the band aid off little by little. I have questions but I don't even want to bring it up to H. Is he planning on taking S there for X amount of time while she's not there and then all of the sudden one weekend she will be there? Does he think S will not notice his stuff there and put 2 and 2 together. It just feels like this step is cementing his decision but I know logically his decision was cemented anyway.
I'm disappointed that H didn't tell me he was doing this. H has never officially told me where exactly he lives and knows that as part of the settlement we're working on he legally has to tell me. I do know the address BTW but H does not know I know.
I would love to send H a text right now and remind him of this fact but don't want to sound just bitter and angry. I am bitter and angry.
I am just so sad again for S and D (and me). H's selfishness and denial of how this is affecting all of us is really getting to me with this.
Time for a good cry in the shower I guess. Hopefully that and this post will help get it out of my system a bit.

[Arsene]

Hi FIO,

I'm sorry to hear how you feel. I can't contribute any advice other than to try not to think about it but I just wanted to tell you that I know how you feel.

A few months ago, D8 told me that her mom had picked her up from school on a motorbike. W doesn't ride so I had to ask whose bike it was and D8 innocently mentioned OM's nickname. Through a few more questions, I found out it hadn't been the first time she had met him. Fortunately, it turns out that D8 still thinks he's only a friend but still, it hurt when I heard.

The following day I brought it up with W who seemed to think there was nothing wrong with it (we had discussed it a month before when W had told me she was seeing OM and she hadn't seemed to think it would be an issue). As she said, in her mind we were divorced and she was allowed to have a boyfriend. Anyway, an argument later of me trying to explain how it could be detrimental to D8 at this point and W saying there was no problems with her seeing someone, she said that she thought it was for ME and not for D8, that I wanted that. She then said she would oblige just for me, but that she still didn't think there was anything wrong with it.

I didn't push it further and to this day I still don't know if she has complied but I have a feeling she hasn't based on things heard and said here and there by W and D8. I don't really want to drag D8 i that so i won't question her anymore about it, and besides, is there really anything I can do about it?

Am I upset? Yes, but in the end, there is nothing I can do about it so I keep it out of my mind and keep in mind that now, if she does it, she knows for sure I'm against it and that she told me she wouldn't. I do hope that her conscience sometimes kicks in between the lies.

Sorry for taking so long to tell my story but I just want you to know that you are ok, and what you think on this issue is not warped, no matter what your H says or thinks.

Take good care of yourself.

[figure-it-out]

Hi Arsene,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply. I'm feeling better now than I was on Sunday.

My disgust with H's behavior has translated somewhat into a better feeling of detachment since yesterday.

H was texting me wanting to know how to best get his initial financial disclosure documents to my A. (keep in mind he filed 18mos ago and has yet to complete these...dragging feet much??) I waited and then replied you might want to send them certified. He wanted to know how I got my documents to them and I indicated I was able to scan and send them.

The funniest part of the conversation to me was when he asked if A was working for both of us now or just me. I did laugh at that one then told him they worked for me. He then said he thought they should help him if his paperwork wasn't right.Just reminded me how really clueless he is about this whole process.

I feel so bad for anyone who has to go through this situation but to go through it with children just seems to magnify that.
I'm sure it frustrates you to no end that your W has no clue (or needs to appear that way) to how her decisions affect your D. My fear, and maybe yours too is that my S because of his age hasn't put all the pieces together of what H is doing. I hope he's able to transition smoothly and it is my ultimate goal to make sure that happens, but I worry the day he finally puts it all together is really going to affect him.

I appreciate your words so much. I hate that there are so many of us going through this but as I've heard time and time again it's nice to know I'm not alone!

[figure-it-out]

Well, I knew it. S admitted yesterday that H told him he was living at the condo/apt. with a "friend from work". S was aprehensive to tell me. I told him he could talk to me about anything and not to worry about hurting my feelings, etc. Poor son tries so hard to walk the line between me and H. I wish he didn't.

I feel worse for D. She had to find out from S that her dad had moved. She told me she did not want to go there. She said it was awkward. I told her she might not always feel that way. Just wait and see what happens. I reminded her too that I wanted her to have a good relationship with her dad and not to make any decisions based on if she thought I would feel bad. She just said "he didn't even tell me he moved, I didn't even know".

The way H handled this situation disgusts me. What a coward. It shouldn't surprise me as this is how he's handled the majority of tough situations throughout this ordeal. I hope GF gets a true picture of what she's in for although I'm sure he's got a pretty good picture painted of what a victim of circumstance he is.

I have been so angry with him since M. It's driving away the feelings of sadness and despair I have been experiencing. I won't sit with the anger for too long as I know it doesn't help with my ultimate goal. It just feels good right now to not "care" what he's doing or who he's doing it with. I have to get to that place without feeling the anger.

[Arsene]

Yeah FIO,

not an easy one but you have to get over the anger. it eats you up and it's not healthy to carry it with you. I'm sorry to hear about your kids and how they feel. Again, there is nothing you can do and should do to shield your H. His relationship with them is in his hands.

Thanks for popping by. Your words helped.

[figure-it-out]

Journaling:
Another weekend, another roller coaster ride. H took S this weekend to his "place" again except this time was to introduce him to GF. No heads up given to me. I should expect it I guess.

Since H took S there for the first time last weekend I have made a concerted effort to really detach this week. H texted a few questions regarding his preliminary declaration paperwork at the beginning of the week to which I responded with basically one word answers. I did not text to ask if he was taking S to practice at all this week and surprise, surprise, he didn't show up anyway.

I made sure I was not home when he arrived on Sat. to pick S up. He then texts me "are you mad at me is that why you weren't home"? Seriously...I responded "nope, had somewhere to be".

Made sure I wasn't here when he dropped S off today either. He did give D $100 when he came for a trip to the mall and gave S some money as well.

I asked S if he went to H's place again this weekend and he said yes. I asked him if he met H's roommate and he said yes. I asked him how that went and he said it was a girl and he started crying when they met. I asked him why and he said he told H because it wasn't right, that it wasn't mom. Talk about breaking my heart.
S said H told him to give her a chance that H understood how hard it was. S said they were all going to go out to dinner but when he started crying she left.

I don't know if it was the right thing but I ended up telling D. I did not want her to have to hear it from S and I knew from last weekend when S found out H was not living with his mom that H would not be the one to tell her. He would let S do it. D was very quiet. She didn't cry or get upset. She just stared at me. I told her I was sorry and had hoped things would be different.

So, it's all out in the open. Right now I do not even want to see or talk to H. I know I have to but I am just so sad for my children (and me)

I know I have to set my boundaries. I have been very lax on those but feel I am almost forced to now that the kids know what going on. I need to take H's garage door opener so he isn't able to come in as he likes. I need to change the code on the keypad so he does not have free access. I need to ensure H starts abiding by the terms we discussed when working on our settlement. Particularly around the time he has S. That alone will give me more time to GAL.

I do still want a marriage to my H but it seems so hopeless right now.

[Brian in Hville]

I'm sorry he did this. Very selfish in my opinion.