The crack in my perfect life...

[Sweetbriar]

So my weekend was pretty sad. I did get out with some friends on Friday night but the rest of the weekend was one of those where I just thought about H. I really dont know if I can do this...the pregnancy is really making me extra emotional and I have my other 2 daughters to take care of also. I hate for them to see my cry. As I mentioned in the last post, I was needy this weekend and ended up having a semi R talk with H. That, of course, didnt go well, as he could come up with many reasons why our R would never work. I know Im not supposed to believe him, but Im am beginning to believe its all my fault, even though I know that isnt true.

3 weeks ago, he came back and asked to come home, and to go to counseling and that he loved me and missed us all and that he wanted to be here for the pregnancy and baby and really try on our marriage. Well, as I wrote before, I put 2 conditions on the thearapy and he said he was done and wasnt doing it. So now, I just think that I should have taken the chance.

He is very depressed. He is on ADs and has been his whole life I have known him, but not sure he is on the right combo:( He believes without a doubt that I am the source of all his pain. I really thought I tried through our marriage to help him with his feelings and depression, but I guess not in the way he needed. He claims that he has never been happy and that is the point of him not coming back. uggg...Im so sad today:( My kids are so sad and I keep telling them that this was His choice. They need to know that things will be ok, even though I cannot see when. I try to help them through it but, its hard when Im struggling just as bad and worse.

I know that everyone says time. Everything he says and all his actions speak that he is not coming back. Im having a very hard time getting over that. I want him to change his mind so badly but realize I cannot make him.

As far as 180s, he isnt even here to see them if I did do them. One 180 I could do is get a full time job, but Im pregnant, havent worked in 14 years and want to wait until baby is born. Another 180 would be to stop all contact completely with him, but I tried that for about 3 weeks and it did nothing....

Help...I feel like Im falling apart and really stuggling at the moment...