Kicking a$$ and taking names!

[reachingHigher]

Journaling:

Yesterday, I managed to be gone from the house at the store when H arrived. When I got home I made lunch but was in a bad mood.

After I got lunch on the table for H and boys, I didn't eat with them but left for 2+ hours for a mountain bike ride. It's just what I needed. I felt totally calm and peaceful when I got back.

S12 was riding four-wheelers with a neighbor boy and I was thrilled because living out here & homeschooling, friends are hard to come by. H was very, very teary & choked up. Just looking around at our place in a daze.

I showered & we left for HP in his Mercedes. He put the top down after we got off the gravel roads. I told him to put on whatever music he wanted. He immediately put on some rap music very loudly & started singing with it. It had words/themes that were VERY far from my pic of H as a family man!

I once asked him why he liked rap and he said "because I can pretend I'm somebody else for a little while.". I was actually glad this was happening because it showed me how very far apart we are.

He gave me his dew rag for my hair since we were in the convertible and we laughed since I looked like a gypsy. and we took pics of each other. Eventually he changed the music to ZZ Top, much to my relief.

He took me to our favorite restaurant, since I hadn't eaten. Favorite table, he says? It was a good visit. I felt like I was visiting with a family friend. I inquired as to how his mother was doing, about his plans for his Puerto Rico trip, etc.

He acted like we were on a date, if you ask me. Some touching, etc. We went back to HP. I hadn't been there since July when he moved in. Obviously, a real bachelors pad.

We held each other for a while. It was obvious he wanted to ML but I said I had to go. He had a lot of tears in his eyes. He walked me to the truck. I kissed him briefly on the lips and told him I loved him and he said he loved me too.

He has the appointment with the L this morning & I expect he is filing then coming for a visit at some point today. I'm okay with it. I read AJ's post. I, too, look in the past and feel like H & I had a good marriage. And our boys are priceless. My H thinks that too.

We are just way too far apart right now. I don't misinterpret his attentions any more as wanting to reconcile. He just loves me and it hurts splitting up. I don't want him back as he is now. I want a different him, and he's not that person any more. I don't doubt he could change again but he's not at this point.