Last night H initiated another "talk". I felt it was coming, been awhile since the last one. He's definitely stuck in repeat. I just kept thinking don't believe what he says. He still says he wants out, doesn't want to be married, doesn't want the house, etc. He also still says he thinks I don't take him seriously, that I think this is all a joke, etc. I told him I do take him seriously and am well aware this is not a joke. I listened, and validated. I spoke briefly about me after he made the comment, "Sorry I ruined your life." I told him he didn't ruin my life, just changed it's direction. I was consistent in my insistence that I am standing. He asked even when you get divorce papers? I said yes, stood firm on the it would be your divorce not mine point.
At one point he told me when he sees those commercials for Christian Mingle he thinks that I should join! LOL I couldn't help but laugh at that, and told him that won't be happening.
While he was talking I was able to pull out some truth from him. He's very selfish right now and stubborn, he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He still hates his job and is looking for a new one daily, pretty much life has disappointed him. He thinks he's doing great ever since BD, yet while we were talking he didn't look great, he looked exhausted and depressed. He looked physically in pain when I would say nice things to him, like I know the good man is inside, and that I appreciate and respect him, etc. That I am willing to continue to give him time and space. He asked, yes but how much? I said as much as it takes.
He made a comment about having already been at his lowest back at BD, I said maybe you weren't, what if the lowest is yet to come? He said, sarcastically, well there's a pleasant thought. I said, well when we are our lowest that's when we grow the most. I said some positive things about the future and told him I have thought about all the potential ways this could go. I stood firm in my belief we can build a stronger marriage. He said he will continue to think about us getting to know each other again, but for right now he doesn't want that. I told him I understand.
I asked about his family, and said I miss them too, because they are my family as well. He finally told me about his sister being pregnant. He then asked about my family, so I gave him brief highlights and said they all ask about him, they miss him. I don't know if that was DB or not, I think he needed a bit of reality. He again had that pained look on his face.
During the conversation I was extremely calm, I was filled with peace, not anxiety for once. I spoke calmly to him. He still said he didn't want to fight with me. I said we aren't fighting we are just talking. He also continues to say he doesn't want children, I think he thinks if he says that enough I will say ok it's over. I know why he thinks he doesn't want children, and he cemented my theory with a comment about his sister, he said of her, after I asked if she got pregnant on purpose (which his family thinks she did), "yeah, well now she will have another life to screw up, not just her own." My counselor is so right, H feels worthless. It hurts to see him like this, so lost and stuck. I will continue to pray for him.
I did mention a couple of things about God and he said something about us being so different because we "don't believe in God in the same way". I said well God believes in you. I got the same pained look.
He also made his usual if I had a gf comment. I said my usual adultery, your choice, I don't want an STD comment. He seemed a bit angry and said, "If you're using that as a threat it's not working because it my mind we aren't married. I said no, I'm not, I would never threaten you. I'm just saying it like it is. I understand in your mind we aren't married, but legally we are, and in my heart we are. So if you were to get a gf it would still be adultery."
He apparently plans on staying in the house until spring because then our 3 years would be up of having to live here (did that government $8,000 back thing). Also says he's getting a tv for "his" room, asked me to clean out the closet and bookshelf in there (has stuff in it for the kids we were going to have, I just haven't been able to face that part yet). I told him I would get the stuff out, but I'm not ready to get rid of it yet. I still need to work through that. He said no rush. He also said he's sorry he "ruined that part of our lives together", I couldn't respond, too painful yet.
That's the gist of the long conversation. Like I said, I don't know how DB it was, but sometimes a reality check needs to be made. Also, like I said, I did a great job at being calm and I only let tears out a few times, the not having a baby thing is still something I have a hard time with. Anyway, I stood firm in the fact that I am standing for our marriage (even though he thinks I'm crazy), I made it known I am doing well, he also knows I want him in my life, but that choice is his.
I must have done something right because after the conversation he came back and asked me if I would do something for him and I said what? He asked for a hug, I of course hugged him. As we were hugging he thanked me for all of my patience and understanding. I just said you're welcome.
Last night I had made pork BBQ in the crock pot, he actually ate some of it. He came back and told me how amazing it is. He went back for seconds, and then thirds. He came back to where I was and said to me, seriously if you want any of this you should probably go get some now, I may eat it all. I laughed and told him I was glad he was enjoying it.
The rest of the evening was pleasant, we watched Walking Dead together, and he even talked to me about parts of the show that annoyed him and were unrealistic (the shooting parts).
So it looks like this roller coaster ride is still in the beginning, won't be getting off soon....
