My Fears in GALing

[AnotherStander]

The giving "space" i think is working by sleeping separate rooms, do you guys think it's too soon or should I keep giving her that "space" and sleep in s3s room?

DO NOT move out of the MBR. Hold your ground! If she wants to sleep elsewhere then that's her decision and she can live with the ramifications of feeling like she's no longer part of the household and/or being uncomfortable in another bed or whatever. The MBR is the throne of the house and you need to remain on that throne regardless of whether W joins you or not. The way you should handle this is to offer W the opportunity to move back into the MBR, but act "as if" you don't care whether she does or not. If she wants to join you then that's fine, if she doesn't want to then that's OK too. No begging/ pleading/ negotiating. Don't even ask her if she wants to move back into the MBR, just say "you're welcome to sleep in my bed if you want" and leave it at that. As for ML, I wouldn't push it right away unless she is giving you some obvious hints that she's ready. If she moves into the MBR and you start trying to jump her bones right away it may drive her back out again. Take it slow, time is on your side.

As far as your W. You would know a women's physical needs are not the same as a man's (usually). It might be nice if you take it slow with some affection like a cuddle or caress and see where that leads rather than having too much expectation about the ML. If she's not ready you will know. Its important you don't take it personally. She may just need more tme. Back off again and keep doing what you have been doing.

Good advice! The 5 Love Languages goes into this, the way I sometimes put it is men have an on/ off switch and can just flip it and instantly be ready for sex, but women have a rheostat that needs to be turned up slowly. 5LL gives great advice on how to nurture a woman's needs to get her interested in ML.

[newman7977]

AS,

Good to hear from you. I get your point in the MBR sitch and it make sense. Our arrangement in this ordeal is to take turns at it, I originally kicked her out about a month ago then I had a change of heart and ask her if she wants we can take turns. We are doing 2-2-3 just like if we wouldve been divorce. But most of the time she offers me to sleep in MBR. We've been technically physically separated at home.

I don't intend to ML to her in the near future I want to build more onto this and also I want to be sure also her feelings are real. We'll see I'll proceed with caution.

Newman

[GALbaby]

Newman, try a little non sexual flirting too. Always make eye contact when speaking. It's a huge aphrodesiac....so is smiling and laughing.

I was very cautious also and didn't want to undo the good work I had done. You have no time limit so keep working on the small steps.

Its good advice from AS about the MBR. I will remember it too if I need to in the future.

[newman7977]

Galbaby thanks that is my 180 not to be sexual and just be affectionate.

Another positive to journal yesterday. We slept in the same room, even though it was my turn inMBR. W ended sleeping with me mainly because s3 was crying his crib is in the MBR.

Some physical touch is definitely allowed during the nigh but there are limits. We started to cuddle and I could tell she wasn't ready for that, although she didnt push me back but i felt her being uneasy and I backed off.

I also need a lot of work on my 180 regarding not expecting ML from physical touch.

I was tossing and turning and couldn't sleep and I couldn't get my mind off ML. I know bad habit of mine. This is my 180 since W complain I pressure her a lot on sex. I realize I need more work on this when I couldn't get some sleep. I was also making negative environment by tossing and turning because I'm sure I'm causing my W to lose some sleep. This is not good and need to go back in separate sleeping arrangement until I'm ready.

So in summary, limited physical contact is allowed in my stitch as of Sunday. It is welcome by W but depending on the moment. She is not pushing me away, and I can tell she's trying not to hurt me.

I got to get to work now. Anyway, we'll see what brings tonight it's still my turn to be in MBR, I'm curious if she will join me again.

Newman

[GALbaby]

I don't think its a bad habit Newman. I'm sure its normal for a male. Don't be so hard on yourself. Give it some more time. You are doing well.

[newman7977]

Galbaby, you're right being hard on myself, but this time I need to think about W's feelings. I want to change not to be that person like before where a touch leads to sex. So far I've done it since Sunday. I know she's not buying it yet but it seem like she is a little curious. I want to read your sitch maybe i will get more pointers.

Journal last night Thurs. W slept with me again even though it was my turn to be in MBR. I didn't mind although it was a little harder to not think about ML. I did better after 2 hrs of tossing and turning I finally knocked out lol.

I did cuddle with her and she seem better she didn't push me away, but I did stop after a while to give her space. That's another 180, the old me would've probably hugged her all night--yikes talk about smothering!

Today Friday, a few more positives! W actually initially contacted me with a text--talking about traffic. Normally her text is within the confines of kids issues. Anyway we texted back and forth, I ended the Convo since I was really busy at work. Actually my next 4 weeks will be crazy, working on possibly two trial cases.

I made time after lunch and called her but got the vm. I didn't leave a message I was just gonna say hi and jus to ask how are things with her at work. An hour later she returned my call I was shocked! We had a nice chat even though it was less than a minute. So baby steps! I'll take it slow, but if an opportunity for chats like this I will take it. As a matter of fact if opportunity for physical touch arise I will take it until she tells me to back off.

Also, the other thing SIL text me saying that W seem a lot calmer lately and that she (SIL) found a couples therapist for us and ask me how I was doing. This validated how my W was acting lately.

Tomorrow I have another opportunity to GAL with friends. But W insisted we go to her another relative birthday. She was getting frustrated so I didn't force my GAL with friends, she was planning on going too, I thought she was gonna say to go by myself. I will GAL with cycling buddies in the morning though.

So little improvements this week I hope it keeps going.

Tonight is not my turn to sleep in MBR, but guess what-- I'm sleeping there tonight

Newman

[GALbaby]

I'm happy for you Newman. Sounds like you are making progress with your changes. Yes its important for a woman to feel that the attention towards her is not always about ML, but make sure you continue to GAL. At this stage I found it was best if I pulled back just a little after H and I had a connection. It made him curious. I could tell by his body language. My H has the most obvious body language. He doesn't hide anything very well.

My sitch is really not too exciting, but you are welcome to read it. It starts with Alien Invasion. Long story short...My H first dropped bomb over 12 months ago, I thought we worked things out, then BD again and following this pattern every 2 months or so until April this year after an argument because he took up smoking after quitting 20 years ago. I was upset of course. He went into a rage and declared he would never change his mind about wanting D.

I made a few mistakes early on, then discovered DB and got a coach who helped me tremendously. I read and re-read the books to reinforce the messages and really stuck to the plan for almost 5 months. Then as I mentioned previously I took a leap of faith which paid off six weeks ago.

We haven't talked R or our problems. I am just trying to build on the positives. My H is MLC and is still in the tunnel so I have to be very cautious. At the moment things are going well, but his pattern has been to go into a rage and threaten me as in the past (recycling). My understanding of and different approach to his MLC seems to be helping and we are doing OK so far. I still GAL and look after myself because that is the most important thing to come out of this. I would not survive without GAL, this board, DB or the support I get here and from my wonderful friends.

Don't forget patience, patience, patience.

[newman7977]

Thanks for taking the time writing the sitch. You pulled back after the connection, you know I was thinking the same last night. I might need to pull back a little.

We slept together again last night, the same as the other nights. Nothing really exciting to journal.

I'm still on the fence on what to do on the GAL tonight. After a good week with W I think I will go with her. She told me last night that she gave up on some events at her work and she couldn't understand why I can't give this up.

More later got to ride.

Newman

[newman7977]

Journal:

Saturday evening we went to a Ws cousin party. Nothing to note of any change other than how I continue my 180s interacting with other people. I also wasn't dependent on W on anything like food, drinks etc...I figure I'll conduct myself as if she was not in the same place. In other words I'm trying to remain detach and breaking the co-dependency with her.

Sunday, it was exact sitch as last Sunday without the kiss. But today i felt we built more, we watched two movies and the second one was comedy, and we had our laughs. during commercial breaks we talked about her work. i didnt try to kiss her because, I'm backing off from physical contact. I'm feeling too clingy to her. She has not said anything but I could tell she's getting annoyed. I did catch myself wanting to touch her often. I'm backing off unless a sitch create a vibe. I also would like if she would initiate some contact.

Looks like we are also back to sleeping together. I'm not budging out and she's not budging out the MBR. I thought about going back to our sleeping arrangements but nah, I just have to adjust and not get clingy with her in bed. I slept the whole month by myself so I can hang.

So the weekend was really positive again. I want to keep it up and build more on this.

Newman

[newman7977]

Cr@p my sister is in town taking care of my mother. According to W she's giving her cold shoulders! Now W is pissed at me. I talked with my sister and she said that's not true.

I feel like sitting them all down and talk about this like adults. Man, any advice out there how to diffuse family members?

Things are going good and other things pops up ugh! Ok gotta breathe and not let this sitch control my day.

Thanks all,
Newman