Keep breathing...

[mamabird]

Ok, here comes part II - the camping trip.

Like I said earlier, if I didn't have all this other info I'd think things were going great. We did have one little tiff as they were leaving on Friday am (we took 2 cars) but that was it.

On Friday, H greeted me with a smile but was a bit standoffish at first. I told him, "Please don't shun me this weekend." I know that sounds desperate in writing but I hope it didn't come across that way. Friday night we all walked to the group dinner together but he managed to escape sitting down and was talking and eating while he stood up. At the campfire, he did not want touching or any PDA.

I had to tell him later (and this was after I'd read the texts) that I wasn't feeling very appreciated. He said he appreciated everything I do for the boys. I told him it was not just for them, it was for our family. I was starting to get a little desperate sounding then, but I held it together well enough. Thank you Xanax for saving me that night. He said he just wanted to get through the weekend.

Saturday, we ate breakfast and lunch as a family and then went on a hike to the swimming hole - as a family. This is the first "as a family" activity we've done since June. He played soccer in the afternoon and I showed up with a bottle of water, which he appreciated. I held his hat while he played.

He complimented my food throughout the weekend. Sunday morning he sat next to me and ate in front of other people! Gasp! We walked back to the campsite together after eating our communal meal; I waited for him to use the bathroom and he waited for me to go back and get something I forgot.

As I've mentioned, we brought 2 tents and he never set the other one up. It's this fact alone that's giving me pause in all of this, actually. We shared a small air mattress. It's not like we were on opposite sides of it. And Saturday night, we actually cuddled a little, or at least our bodies were touching.

This afternoon (Sunday) he rested while I cleaned up from the trip, then I rested while he did a few more things that I asked him to do.

He ate dinner with us again, at the table. I set him a place and he sat and we all ate together.

We ended the evening with the usual back rub, and talked about the election and a few other things.

Looking at how the weekend went, it looks pretty positive. An outsider wouldn't notice ANYTHING wrong. We got along great, hung out a lot, had a lot of fun. We weren't affectionate, but there was no tension or anything. Clearly not showing signs of strain or being on the brink of D, even though I guess we are.

So I decided to keep doing what I'm doing for the time being. Even though you are telling me I need to confront him, I think at this point it's better to keep that ace up my sleeve. Not that I'm going to let it go by any means, but I do not want to tip my hand just yet, or to upset the apple cart as it were. I mean, we're at a point where we are not fighting, we are having physical contact daily, and he's eating at the table after 4 months of refusing to. (Eating at the table was a big progress goal of mine).

Plus, if they are "just friends" (which I highly doubt) there's no sense in getting into a kerfuffle over nothing. I think this is an issue to be brought up in MC if we ever manage to get there, e.g, "I want to know exactly what is going on between you and POW." Because, having this conversation with him when the time and place is not right is going to make everything worse and probably accelerate the D process. He will know I looked at his phone.

My father told me to get a good lawyer and "get ready" which I should do.

I also wonder if his L sensed some ambivalence on his part because I'm not sure what "sitting tight" is going to accomplish for him.