Keep breathing...

[Breakdown]

I'm so sorry Regret. This s@cks.

With that said, I'd try to make it thru the weekend without blowing up about it all. You make a much stronger statement when you can discuss it in a calm state.

I'm leaning with Denver here. I think this is where you've got to turn the tables. You really need to DB now and stop the pursuit. I do think you will have to address it and I agree with what Denver suggest in terms of not discussing the "how you know." Take some time and think thru how this discussion will play out though...be prepared, don't react, be calm. Thinking thru it will help.

Be prepared for him to blame you for his actions....I think we've all gotten our fair share of that. You can admit mistakes, without taking responsibility for his.

I'd honestly consider re-reading DB or DR now. Don't let this consume you. Focus on you, continue working on your changes. You are stronger than you know....hang in here.

[Wendylon]

You've been in my mind, Regretful. I really hope that you're bearing up on your weekend.

I really like Denver's advice. I hope you find solace on this forum with the knowledge that others have been in your sitch and that the advice is tried and tested.

What do you mean by saying that you wonder whether you should just let him go? Do you mean kick him out? Stop DBing with him in mind? I certainly agree that you need to detach as much as possible and focus on GAL.

Hang in there and I'm sending you much courage.

[mamabird]

Made it thru without bringing it up. Funny, if I didn't know about this i would be feeling good. We shared a tent and an air mattress. He never bothered to set the other one up. We ate meals together, had family time. Bizarre.

Anyway, I have more to say, will check in later from the computer. This story has come in bits and chunks and I want to make sure it's being reflected accurately.

[Wendylon]

Sounds really positive. I bet that what H tells OW isn't the whole story of how he's feeling. Don't forget that his feelings will be changing and fluctuating. Nothing is static. It will be interesting to see what he's like when you're back home.

I look forward to hearing more about your sitch and how you're feeling. Good job keeping it together. That sounds really impressive.

Take care.

[hopefulinga]

It sounds like H is confused, at best. First he says your separated and then he sleeps in the same tent. I'm glad that you held it together while you were there.

[mamabird]

Thanks all of you for the support - you guys keep me going in the right direction!

So today I had another chance to look at his phone and I reviewed those texts again. Reading them calmly without the panic allowed me to have more of an objective opinion. I haven't had the chance to read them all, just the ones over the last few weeks and there haven't been that many. But I think I'm going to retract my OW declaration and go to POW for now.

Here's what's happened, as far as I can tell:
- Sometime in Aug, H tells POW "Missing you" and asks her to go to a concert @ Hollywood Bowl w him. Don't know if she goes or not (I have to re-review those), and I haven't looked back earlier than that.

- Early Sept, H tells POW he's filing for D. This is right after I moved back here. POW is appropriately sympathetic.

- Mid Sept - the weekend we went to Yosemite - H and POW get together. H tells her it's the best day he's had in a long time. (That explains why he didn't call us when we were in Y.)

- Sept 24 - the day we are driving back - he goes to L. L says "sit tight" because my working part time and spending more time w boys could affect his custody. H is annoyed because he has to pay $675 (ha ha) to hear "sit tight". H tells POW he is going to L and she asks if there is any chance of reconciliation. H says no.

- Sept 26 - H and I get in another blow out argument which involves a lot of crying and we end up ML at the end of it.

- Sept 27 - H sends me an email saying we should go to MC and whether it ends in D or R it will help us understand each other better.

- Next 2 weeks involve a few check in texts back and forth, POW gets sick, H offers to sneak out to help her. He tells her to take care of herself and says "You are amazing."

- Oct 11 (this week) - H asks POW if she is in town and says he wants to make another plan with her. Not sure how he plans to pull that off. Also tells her he wishes he could just move out and move on but L says sit tight so that is what he is doing.

A little more intel shows that POW is someone my H knew at college. I have never met her.

I've downgraded her to POW because I'm not convinced - clearly they are good friends, and I am fairly certain H wants to get with her. Honestly the tenor of their communications reminds me a lot of me and OM1. I'd call it EA on H's part...

Of course, these things are like cockroaches. You see one running around your kitchen, and there's 50 more crawling around under the sink. Meaning, who knows what I haven't seen yet? I know there were texts from someone else in SF - and he's going to SF on Weds...

Next post will give details on the campout and thoughts on what I should do next.

[mamabird]

Ok, here comes part II - the camping trip.

Like I said earlier, if I didn't have all this other info I'd think things were going great. We did have one little tiff as they were leaving on Friday am (we took 2 cars) but that was it.

On Friday, H greeted me with a smile but was a bit standoffish at first. I told him, "Please don't shun me this weekend." I know that sounds desperate in writing but I hope it didn't come across that way. Friday night we all walked to the group dinner together but he managed to escape sitting down and was talking and eating while he stood up. At the campfire, he did not want touching or any PDA.

I had to tell him later (and this was after I'd read the texts) that I wasn't feeling very appreciated. He said he appreciated everything I do for the boys. I told him it was not just for them, it was for our family. I was starting to get a little desperate sounding then, but I held it together well enough. Thank you Xanax for saving me that night. He said he just wanted to get through the weekend.

Saturday, we ate breakfast and lunch as a family and then went on a hike to the swimming hole - as a family. This is the first "as a family" activity we've done since June. He played soccer in the afternoon and I showed up with a bottle of water, which he appreciated. I held his hat while he played.

He complimented my food throughout the weekend. Sunday morning he sat next to me and ate in front of other people! Gasp! We walked back to the campsite together after eating our communal meal; I waited for him to use the bathroom and he waited for me to go back and get something I forgot.

As I've mentioned, we brought 2 tents and he never set the other one up. It's this fact alone that's giving me pause in all of this, actually. We shared a small air mattress. It's not like we were on opposite sides of it. And Saturday night, we actually cuddled a little, or at least our bodies were touching.

This afternoon (Sunday) he rested while I cleaned up from the trip, then I rested while he did a few more things that I asked him to do.

He ate dinner with us again, at the table. I set him a place and he sat and we all ate together.

We ended the evening with the usual back rub, and talked about the election and a few other things.

Looking at how the weekend went, it looks pretty positive. An outsider wouldn't notice ANYTHING wrong. We got along great, hung out a lot, had a lot of fun. We weren't affectionate, but there was no tension or anything. Clearly not showing signs of strain or being on the brink of D, even though I guess we are.

So I decided to keep doing what I'm doing for the time being. Even though you are telling me I need to confront him, I think at this point it's better to keep that ace up my sleeve. Not that I'm going to let it go by any means, but I do not want to tip my hand just yet, or to upset the apple cart as it were. I mean, we're at a point where we are not fighting, we are having physical contact daily, and he's eating at the table after 4 months of refusing to. (Eating at the table was a big progress goal of mine).

Plus, if they are "just friends" (which I highly doubt) there's no sense in getting into a kerfuffle over nothing. I think this is an issue to be brought up in MC if we ever manage to get there, e.g, "I want to know exactly what is going on between you and POW." Because, having this conversation with him when the time and place is not right is going to make everything worse and probably accelerate the D process. He will know I looked at his phone.

My father told me to get a good lawyer and "get ready" which I should do.

I also wonder if his L sensed some ambivalence on his part because I'm not sure what "sitting tight" is going to accomplish for him.

[mamabird]

What do you mean by saying that you wonder whether you should just let him go? Do you mean kick him out? Stop DBing with him in mind? I certainly agree that you need to detach as much as possible and focus on GAL.

When I wrote that I was ready to give up the ghost and just tell him fine, you can have your D.

I'm definitely having trouble with the detachment but I've also been getting pretty good results doing the opposite.

[hopefulinga]

Thanks for the update, LA. I know how difficult of a position you are in. I just went down the same path and am still recovering from the damage my attack on H did. Had I not attacked him regarding POW, we would be a lot further down the road to recovery than we are.

I think that you need to approach this how ever you think will be best for you. Clearly the texts are not appropriate for a married man, but you don't know if there is "more" going on at this point. Your weekend sounds like it went well and it also sounds like the texting has gone down since you moved back home.

And you're right, they are like cockroaches. Just keep your guard up and your eyes open if you are going to keep this card close to you for now.

[Wendylon]

When I wrote that I was ready to give up the ghost and just tell him fine, you can have your D.

Isn't that the case whatever you say? I'm not sure what telling him that would get you. Do you think you would then feel more detached and in control of the sitch? Isn't the message we're trying to give the WAS that we will be fine and happy whatever happens and that we are fine right now as well? That's how I'm trying to act at the moment and things are definitely improving.

All I know is that any talk of OW in my sitch (last time and now) made things 100% worse. Unless, it's a deal breaker for you at this point, I would carry on as there are definitely some positives. Put yourself in the position of a hypothetical OW, wouldn't you feel threatened by him not bothering to set up the second tent, eating with you when he wasn't before, etc..?

Ideally, you could focus on feeling detached and in control without any R talk. If there is an OW, she'll be pressuring him sooner or later and you'll come out of it looking better if you stay strong and happy.

All easier said than done. I'm so impressed with how you handled the weekend. You must be really pleased with yourself. Your father's advice sounds good too.