Searching, trying - still going, but how?

[jks]

I want you to you know that you are loved. I know it's not the same as having someone right there to say it to your face. But in my short time of knowing you, I have really come to respect the things that you say. You are a beautiful person and sometimes you can't be expected to do it all.

I know so much this pain and the overwhelming thoughts that consume your mind constantly. I am there with you. I was reading this and it could have been my journal entry... really.

One thing that I was told my Accuray is that the best thing you can do for yourself when you're feeling more up, make plans for the future so that when you do eventually go down again you'll already have those things set it place. It actually is a very effective thing because the way you describe the feeling of being paralyzed once you're alone... you would be forced to go out and do something because you already made commitments. I struggle with that same feeling of being paralyzed and so now on my days without my kids, I'm really trying to, in advance, have things planned.

In my area, they actually have a meetup group for divorced women. And they do a lot of healing activities like speaking about forgiveness and discussing it. Or just doing a BBQ and bringing your kids so you can get out and talk with ladies that are going through what you are. Such a great way to make new friends and to feel like you have some support in your area. If you don't find anything like that, maybe you could start one? IDK.

Today I was at church and we were talking about faith. A lot of women had raised their hands to share experiences about faith that they had to exercise in their lives. And three in a row spoke about divorce and being remarried and what a trial it was to get where they were today but the thing that got them through was faith. That God would take care of things and he would help them through. I looked at these beautiful women and thought, it's so interesting that they had gone through what I'm going through and look at how happily married they are now.

It gave me a lot of hope. That my H isn't the only one for me and that I really don't have that many things wrong with me like I keep continuing to think. That's what seems to get me down a lot lately. That I won't be good for anyone because I'm so messed up. I'm really not that messed up, though, when I look at the grand scheme of things.

We are both perfectly capable women who can make it in this world with or without a man. That independence can be very empowering. This trial was given to you to make you stronger. And it will. Look at how far you've come already. And the things you say to me, they hit me so hard. I know you have it in you... I know it's just the constant struggle with this takes it's toll on a person and there are times that you want to throw your hands up and say, ENOUGH!!

And I've noticed every time I go through that wave, I come out more on top of it and more grateful for my strength. If you really think about it, maybe sitting watching TV with your H right now really wouldn't be as wonderful as you think it would be. I had the opportunity to do those very things with my H after he left me and I can tell you that the feelings were definitely awkward and not the same. So when I think back on that, do I really miss him or do I miss who he used to be for me? Most definitely the latter.

I hate that he has done this to you as far as your finances go. That really is one of the most unfair parts about your whole situation. Continue to protect yourself in that respect.

I hope you're doing ok tonight. I will be around. Be good to yourself... just like you told me. ((((KG))))