Maybe all is not lost, she just took a turn on a game she started with me. It'll at least help cool me down enough to cook when I get back. At least I hope so.
Stupid addition to the recent rapid postings. Come back and W is fair. Asks the older kids if they know how the wrapper got there. They are all clueless. All of this b/c of me and my whatever. Feel free to fill in that blank. So anyways, she and D11 just left to go shoe shopping. She makes a comment about "I'll do whatever you want me to" in regards to how to pay (our joint account or her new store card she opened). I soooooooo had a multitude of things I wanted to say, from the bottom of my heart and some of my sarcasm too. Anyways, I didn't say a word....then.
Before they left, she talking about the wind here and how that provably caused a car accident that she was stuck behind on her way back. My unfortunate response, was along the lines of, wouldn't a problem if you didn't leave. Oh well, maybe today is the day I screw up several times. Anyone have a 2 x 4?
(((((Afa))))) No 2x4s from me. Forgive your Self. It could have been a lot worse. Shoe-shopping will take everyone's mind of it! You've time to get that PMA back in place for the return. I know you can do it.
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Andrew, I don't think you screwed up at all. The wrapper comment seems like a non-issue, and the second comment, well, that wasn't so great but it wasn't awful. I wouldn't worry about it. If she's not worried that you catch her texting the OM, you shouldn't worry about such a small comment. I'm getting really angry at her now. And I don't even know her. I so get why you were (and probably still are) so angry!
I wonder if you could meet with a coach only for one of two hours? It's not that much money for that much time, and it can really make a difference not only in your outlook, but also in how to manage this sitch.
In the meantime, know I am sending you my positive thoughts. You have a friend here.
Here's the latest. I was able to regain a PMA, make dinner, and good stuff. Then she's about to show me a photo of a friend on her phone, while I'm checking an email on mine. It's a FB tag by OM regarding how he misses her...tayada yada. Yeah that flipped my switch. I kindly told her she needed to change that setting as I have requested before and started to walk away. However I came back. I asked if I needed to file (i know anti DB), but I'm pissed. We then get into about an hour long emotionally filled convo about our R, her issues driving much of this, how I am close to my breaking point with her using me for security and having fun with OM. I also made the mistake of taking it to the affair level. She once again defended her actions by saying we were separated. I told her no. We are legally married, I never agreed to other Rs, and that it is technically an affair. We ranged from moderate L talk, to the sadness and effect on our kids, how she does still have some true love for me, that the R with OM is "laughable / Jerry Springerish" (her words as she know it won't last), she'll regret a D but knows it's time to "shot or get off the pot" (again her words). I also told her about how I've grown in ways that I never imagined possible thus far, and it scares me for what I can do. I told her not to tell me how I will think or feel in the sense of what I can or cannot deal with - in reference to dealing with her and OM. She has lots of fear and confusion. I did tell her that I will do whatever to make sure she can see her IC scheduling wise as I know she wants the help for herself. We were each very tearful for most of the convo. I currently am feeling like sh*tty b/c of that emotionally draining talk. I did confess that I wished I loved her still, that I wished I hated her enough to file for a D, but that I can't. I know she can do whatever she strives for, including the challenge of trying to deal with her issues and find some inner peace / not thrive on chaos / always look for the next best thing. So a lot of that is not in order. My brain is fried at this pointv. Where am I? Where does this convo leave me? No clue. Maybe I'm in need of a 4 x 4. At least she switched email accounts for her FB and Pinterest account out of my demand for some respect. I also called her out on texting and playing games with OM right in front of me and how disrespected I felt. Maybe that will change. A lot to digest for me and anyone reading. Help in sorting all this out would definitely be appreciated.
To add just a few more "highlights" from the convo as listing them all would be taxing for myself and evreryone... W said she didn't want to trade in our kids / have to share them all to have his full time. I told her I wish she would have shook me months ago when she played the Jason Mraz "I will never give up" song as I didn't hear it then, but do now. I shared that we have the opportunity to show our kids how to handle life in the face of adversity, at least that's what I'm doing. She cried. Took it the wring way. I quickly clarified. She said chances of us getting back together are "slim". I told her that I doubt she'll find anyone who will stand by her side as much as I have; and that she'll need that kind of support when she starts therapy. A lot of what occurred / was said during the convo may not have been true DBing, but it is done for now.
You had a rough day...Really rough. This is what my coach would say: -Your reaction to the FB picture is natural, and even though it might not be DB, it's what you needed to do, so don't feel that you messed up or anything of that sort. -You did the right thing by expressing your feelings about her behavior and by offering your support. Just make sure you don't end up making the appointments with the IC and asking her how it went. Remember, let her do stuff. Let her make mistakes. Her behavior is so similar to my H's in many ways. I think both you and I are people who take care of others and take charge of problems right away. My H said once that I was "too nice." He said that was a problem. I think that he was right. I became a doormat. Be loving and supporting, but stand up for yourself.
What do I think? It's just an opinion, and only you know all the details of your sitch, but if she continues this behavior (I have a feeling it'll stop) it might be best for her to move out (or you, if you can't make her move out) so you can actually spend some time apart. The in-house separation scenario sounds really stressful and confusing to me. I am aware of the financial constraints, and the logistics of the kids' schedules, but I'm sure you can make it work out. This might be the awakening that she needs...Just my thoughts.
Of the many times that I expressed thanks to you Tori, I definitely appreciate today. Not simply because of my rough day, but also I know today wasn't easy for you. So my last lists were made while I went for a drive to clear my head some. Came back and again, things were decent. W came and said "I'm sorry...for putting you through this.". I resounded with a questionable "I accept". We each knew it was a half true statement. So we put the laissez togerher and then i forced myself to workout. It was tough because I wasn't 100% there, and I added on a few more weights. When I was finished coming naval up, I overheard W talking to her BFF about how she had said earlier she was never going back to OMs, place, yet did. I went to shower as opposed to eavesdrop. I read for a few, watched season premiere of Walking Dead, and read a little more. W came to the bedroom and wished me a genuine goodnight. I asked if she was ok, she said yes; and then asked me how I was. I told her is give her the same lie and was ok too. We each knew the truth on that one too. So as she was standing at the doorway about to go upstairs, I couldn't help but see her true beauty, and wanted to say ILY, but kept it to myself. She left, and I cried a little, trying to sit with this pain to figure out deeper meanings. I came up empty aside from fear of being alone, wanting to hold and be held. The phrase "You will be fine" came in. I read a few posts here and am about to go to sleep. A bit sad, but at least with a few more insights. W is torn, more afraid and actually revealing more (including negative hints of a possible future versus just negativity), that I have to get back to more of the pure DBing with PMA. I am now more open to a coach. I may have a small work bonus coming that may afford me the 3 pack. Recommendations for coaches?
Also. The in house S is a blessing and a curse. W can see my changes more readily, yet I can see her communications with OM more easily too. My parents will be leaving for their annual.monthly trip to Florida in a few weeks, so if things stay the same or get worse I can crash there for as long as I want. So we'll see. That's it for now...hope everyone gets good rest (many of is have had a rough few days). Goodnight All!
I think you know what to do now it's just a matter of doing it mate. First of all, go back to DB and work on your PMA.
IMO, whether you need it or not, you should just go to your parents. Don't tell her where you are, just tell her you need to reflect on things for some time and leave her wondering where and for how long. Tell your kids you're going for a holiday (or some time away) and then go dark for a while.
It'll do you a world of good, and as a bonus, it might actually make her think. From what you said about your convo, there is still love there and she sounds like she doesn't want to give up her family. But for now, she doesn't have to as you guys still live together.
I'm in a bit of a similar situation with W except that she has moved out but she does come around quite a bit. I know that for myself, I need to put a bit of distance between us and not be so available. Each interaction we've had lately has been good, and I'm glad about that but I think she needs to miss me a bit (if that is still possible). This is perhaps also true in your case.
Take care mate.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Arsene makes sense. It might be good for you to stay at your parents' for a month and give her some space. Continue DBing.
Also, continue doing your own activities away from home (when she is supposed to take care of the kids.) Maybe join a group of new people who are not aware of your sitch. Something to think about.
Can you expand on this: "Actually revealing more (including negative hints of a possible future versus just negativity)"
Finally, the coach will really help you. You'll see. Request Jody. She's the best.
