Here's the latest. I was able to regain a PMA, make dinner, and good stuff. Then she's about to show me a photo of a friend on her phone, while I'm checking an email on mine. It's a FB tag by OM regarding how he misses her...tayada yada. Yeah that flipped my switch. I kindly told her she needed to change that setting as I have requested before and started to walk away. However I came back. I asked if I needed to file (i know anti DB), but I'm pissed. We then get into about an hour long emotionally filled convo about our R, her issues driving much of this, how I am close to my breaking point with her using me for security and having fun with OM. I also made the mistake of taking it to the affair level. She once again defended her actions by saying we were separated. I told her no. We are legally married, I never agreed to other Rs, and that it is technically an affair. We ranged from moderate L talk, to the sadness and effect on our kids, how she does still have some true love for me, that the R with OM is "laughable / Jerry Springerish" (her words as she know it won't last), she'll regret a D but knows it's time to "shot or get off the pot" (again her words). I also told her about how I've grown in ways that I never imagined possible thus far, and it scares me for what I can do. I told her not to tell me how I will think or feel in the sense of what I can or cannot deal with - in reference to dealing with her and OM. She has lots of fear and confusion. I did tell her that I will do whatever to make sure she can see her IC scheduling wise as I know she wants the help for herself. We were each very tearful for most of the convo. I currently am feeling like sh*tty b/c of that emotionally draining talk. I did confess that I wished I loved her still, that I wished I hated her enough to file for a D, but that I can't. I know she can do whatever she strives for, including the challenge of trying to deal with her issues and find some inner peace / not thrive on chaos / always look for the next best thing. So a lot of that is not in order. My brain is fried at this pointv. Where am I? Where does this convo leave me? No clue. Maybe I'm in need of a 4 x 4. At least she switched email accounts for her FB and Pinterest account out of my demand for some respect. I also called her out on texting and playing games with OM right in front of me and how disrespected I felt. Maybe that will change. A lot to digest for me and anyone reading. Help in sorting all this out would definitely be appreciated.
