Is this cake eating? 9

[labug]

Hey, NLW, I had the same realization a couple of years ago.

But now that we know better, we can do better.

[NLW]

Here is the phone message that S14 awoke to on his birthday this morning:

"I love you so much. I am sorry but I can't go to dinner with your mother. I will go anywhere with you and D16. Just ask me.
XXXX"

The previous night, stbx had come over at 8.15pm to deliver S14's birthday present.
S14 had asked him if he would come with us for his birthday to have a pizza dinner at a beach cafe (we were all there a few weeks ago after we'd been walking the dogs on the beach, stbx included). Also, it's where we all went for a birthday lunch for D16 last year - almost 5 months into separation.

What on earth is going on?

Why am I 'the enemy' who he cannot be near, all of a sudden? And why have I become "your mother". He's always referred to me as 'mummy' when he speaks to the kids.

We still see each other every day and talk and joke, etc. This is real madness.

How should I deal with this?

My first reaction was to pick up the phone and tear into him for sending such a message to S14. But, instead I've come on here for advice.

[NLW]

Just back from driving the kids to school.
Been thinking about stbx's text to S14.

I think I should probably ignore it.
If he says anything, just try to respond with compassion (although not completely sure what that will mean, in the moment).

I think that he finds it too difficult to be in public with me given that he's come out publicly with OW.

Too contradictory for him.

That it means he misses out on events involving the kids is a choice he has made.

There is nothing i can do about it, other than to feel pity for the state he's in.

My reaction of upset and puzzlement is based on the assumption that we can be civil to each other in any context - both at our home and out in public.

As we haven't fought at all about the separation, and i have been doing 180s and acting as if, it seems logical to me that there would be no problem in us going out on a few special occasions like kids' birthdays.

For stbx, the raison-d'etre is completely different.

He is hurt, deprived of his kids, feels like sheet, and is not having such a great life. Who's at fault?: Me.

I am the reason he can't stay in the marriage, and I am still the reason for his current bad circumstances (he's told OW I won't sign D papers, and he feels I won't give him the money and assets he is entitled to).

She is pushing him to D, and wants me out of the picture, so this is explanation enough for his current change of opinion about me.

I though we had worked to the point of being 'friendly' with each other, and could co-parent without creating difficulty for the kids. Seems like at the moment, we have gone backwards in this department.

[NLW]

Wondering if anyone has had a similar experience with their teenage kids and can offer any advice.

When H refused to go out for pizza on S14's birthday dinner on Monday, he mentioned that he'd take S14 and D16 out to eat later in the week instead.

Thursday afternoon, when he picked them up from school, he asked them to come out to eat with him that night.
They both said they didn't want to.

When he dropped them at home, he said he'd be back at 6pm to pick them up.

D14 said "How many times do i have to tell you i don't want to go?
I need help with my homework so you could bring some pizza and we can eat here while you help me."

H did not reply and left.
He came back at 6pm, walked in the door and said to S14: "Come on, let's go".

S14 got angry and refused again. H went out to get D16 and she said she wouldn't go if S14 wasn't going.

H kept insisting that they go with him. They kept saying No.

This went on for quite a while. He was acting as if he couldn't hear what they were saying - i.e. he wasn't asking them anymore; rather he was telling them that they were coming to dinner with him.

Eventually he then told them both to come into D16's room for a chat (where i couldn't hear what was going on).

Apparently he then told them that he and i were definitely getting divorced and that he had "met someone new".
S14 said that he told his dad that "That isn't right. You can't do that".

Apparently he also told them that "Everything will be better for me and mummy when we're divorced".

He also said that to me a couple of months ago (darned if i know what he means).

S14 cried and D16 refused to look at her dad (working on Facebook throughout).

H came back into kitchen and told me that he wasn't coming back and that we were getting Divorced. He was not angry, just a bit shocked, i think.

I was strangely calm.
I've been dreading him telling the kids about OW (who I think he had organised to go out to dinner with them tonight).

I think it represents a sort of 'ending' for me. I can't see how there's much possibility of coming back from this. In a way, I suppose, i feel relief. An end to the limbo is in sight. Once she is out and evident to the kids, i can't see that H could ever return to us. How could he face the kids?

Also, this is the first time, i think, that any of the cost/consequences of H's actions have been brought home to him. In all of the last 14 months, no-one has actually said anything to him that negates the fantasy that he's built up about what separation and D will be like.

Later that night H texted both kids.
He said to S14: "Love you, miss you. I'm so sorry"

Then later "PLease tell me how you feel"

To D16 he said: "Love you, I'm so sorry. I really want to spend more time with you"

Does anyone have any words of wisdom about any of this?

I'm worried about the kids. How do you deal with your dad announcing that he has another woman???

[longrun]

How do you deal with your dad announcing that he has another woman???

Your kids behave as they should - they refused to join your H. Be glad that they are old enough to express their feelings and thoughts. My wife has taken the kids (who aren't 10 yet) and is currently living with OM, this is far worse. Detach, focus on your own life and your kids. Your H will need a lot of time until he'll come to his senses.

[scaredsilly]

what a horrible experience for you and your kids to go through. the only good thing about it is now it's out in the open. you can stop dancing around it and call it what it is.

i hope you are able to get counseling for yourself and your kids. at least, you can move forward.

your H will find out how much this will damage his relationships with the kids. he's hoping it will all work out but deep in their hearts, they will never forgive him for this.

((((NLW))))

[eyesopen]

I agree with ss, I can't imagine going through that. I think counseling is a must, at least for your children. I think as difficult as it is, as adults we are better equipped to handle our sitches. Personally I don't want my children to grow up any faster than they have to. My children are young enough that they haven't really asked anything, but if they were older I don't think I would have the answers, since I am still wrapping my head around it. I think it would be good that they have someone equipped to help them through this. And as cold as your husband seems, I think if you could get him there it would be a big help. Just my 2 cents.

I wish you all the best!

[AnotherStander]

H kept insisting that they go with him. They kept saying No.

This is extremely poor behavior on your H's part. Your kids are old enough to make themselves heard, so you did the right thing in staying out of it.

Apparently he then told them that he and i were definitely getting divorced and that he had "met someone new".

What a completely immature way of handling that. He should have approached you first and discussed with you how to discuss it with the kids, and you BOTH should have talked to them.

Apparently he also told them that "Everything will be better for me and mummy when we're divorced".

Unbelievable. So now he can read your mind, and he feels free to tell your kids how you feel. He really is in another world.

S14 cried and D16 refused to look at her dad (working on Facebook throughout).

I hope it sinks in what he's doing to the family. If he thinks his actions are making things BETTER for anyone except himself then he is seriously deluded.

Then later "PLease tell me how you feel"

Strange that he didn't seem to care about that when S14 was crying in front of him. I guess texting allows him to throw it over the wall instead of dealing with the reality of it.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom about any of this?

I'm worried about the kids. How do you deal with your dad announcing that he has another woman???

First I think you did the right thing in not inserting yourself into the middle of it. That would have just given H a reason to blame it all on you. Second, as the others have said you might consider IC for the kids. I went through D as a young teen and up until BD I always told everyone it was the most traumatic experience in my life, and one that I've never forgotten the pain of. Don't underestimate the negative impact this has on kids, it's devastating.

[bustingout]

Hi NLW....(((( )))) my gosh...this is an awful and unfortunate post re: H.

I agree that it is good you did not get involved. I understand about being strangely calm as well. Sometimes we can do that...a strength comes that we didn't know we had..almost protecting ourselves from ourselves.

My H too believes that me and the kids will feel better with a D. He told me even my 'mental state' will be better (???) he said if it doesn't happen than my relationship with him will be bad but when it does happen it will be good. So all in all, me the kids and him will be wonderful after a divorce. We just don't know it yet apparently.....Sign me up!

So I am telling you this because it seems once again that this is common behavior. Denial. repression. resentment. I am not saying that because i am trying to instill hope or anything. I am saying it because these are patterns of something that really have nothing to do with you. Its all him.

Now fortunately you can rationalize that, but your kids cannot/should not. SO maybe IC is the best choice for them.

i have to go now...but I am thinking about you and i love you.

[keep_going]

NLW,

I am so sorry that your H put your kids through such an immature and childish situation. You must feel so helpless knowing you cannot do anything. I think you are getting good advice. Stay out of it, but also get your kids the support, love and help they desperately need right now. Even if they don't show it, they must be struggling very much.

Please take care of them and yourself.

(((NLW)))