Just the usual. I allow myself to be sort of drawn in then my feelings get hurt because I have expectations and am not detached. Then I just do every single thing I shouldn't. Right down to listening and accepting the blame for his actions. I seriously need to act as though he is dead or something. Now I feel all italian. "You are dead to me" lol I am joking but it's pretty serious. I need to not even worry about a 180 and only do my thing. Then I can 180 later after I get myself together. It is self preservation. That is what I need to do.
Basically I was right last night. He intentionally ignored me. Just for whatever reason. To hurt me because he was angry and hurt. Then today when he was supposed to come get the girls he acted as though he wasn't interested because S14 wasn't here. So he had told them he was coming then didn't. He also admitted he had been talking to XW1 a couple of times. I did ask him to stop. Who knows if he will. They had no children or anything. I am actually W3. W2 passed away from cancer a couple of years ago. XW1 and he had split up before I knew him. Apparently at some point they tried to reconcile and she was actually sleeping with his best friend. Either way, I felt hurt when he said he had been talking to her "a time or two" which to me is likely quite a bit. It was just a train wreck of a conversation. It deteriorated into a crying angry mess. Then I got a call almost immediately that my grandparents are in very bad shape. They more or less raised me. Also they have been married about 60 years now. They are a lot of where my ideas about marriage come from. Anyway, my grandfather is in the hospital with pneumonia and full blown dementia. He doesn't recognize anyone but my grandmother. Of course, they are amazing together but it's just more stress. Not sure how much more I can take with my life. It feels like it is wildly spinning out of control. So I am dropping the rope. No contact. Only via text for needed child- exchange, otherwise nothing. I have asked the kids not to volunteer any information about me when it is asked. Not sure what else to do. Hopefully, in a couple of weeks I can feel more myself and be able to handle communication. Maybe not, in which case, I will just keep on keeping on.
