Interesting developments. I actually haven't tried being less available, yet. I had some really upsetting news the other day. Basically, I was beside myself crying. Yesterday, I just could't seem to stop crying. I actually called H. He came over and basically just sat with me and even hugged me. It was nice. Weird for him I think but I felt like it was a big step for him. He had been refusing all touch which is most definitely one of his love languages. I also think words of affirmation is perhaps his primary one though. I have been putting great effort into words of affirmation for him. Obviously, I am reading 5 LL again. So in a nutshell, I am going to keep that up when I speak with him but am definitely going to cool off on contact. I am in a better place as far as he and I are concerned but lots of stress otherwise. So I really need to be careful not to take those frustrations out on other people.
Sorry you were feeling so down yesterday...I can relate to that. It's like this emptiness that won't go away, right? Like a void that even makes you nauseous? I felt that way for a long time. Maybe bc of how hectic my life has been, or bc my H has behaved in such an awful way, I haven't felt like that in a while.
Try to exercise every day, or at least go for walks to clear your head. Spend time in nature. It's really hard, but you can do it. I know it.
Thanks Tori! It was more the snowball effect. I simply had, had enough of life yesterday. Sounds dumb. Today was much better. He called several times on the premise of the kids. Maybe that is what he wanted. I don't know. He told me his plans for the evening. That sort of thing. Just his usual mixed up mess. I have detached a considerable amount. I have moments of anxiety where he is concerned but the crying stage has passed for our M. It is more the state of everything. I did awful, dreadful on a test in class the other day. Frankly, the way class is structured and the point scale it may have literally put 3 years of nursing school in the toilet. Not sure yet what the outcome will be. Now there is thinking something somewhere was messed up because not one single person passed the test. So who knows what will happen with that. It was just a major blow. I was feeling like well here is the thing that has stolen much of my energy and taken attention from my family and now it is all destroyed and gone too. Just felt overwhelming. Not so much now. I have more perspective. I guess sometimes God has no other option but to smack you upside the head if you miss the subtle hints. I think that might be where I'm at right now. I just got smacked. :-)
It's been a few days. A couple of developments- It is basically confirmed that there is not A of any kind. H is just isolating himself. Literally. I went to IC the other day. My previous one had left so I had to start with someone new. I realize it was the first visit but I didn't really feel any connection. Unfortunately, she stays very booked up and I have to wait 3 weeks for a follow up. Considering a different counselor. That just is not soon enough I don't think. H has had the kids a couple of times. Last night he brought them back. I tried to basically talk to him about his depression. Specifically, going back to counseling for himself and getting back on his meds. Basically he has still been refusing to see even the kids. Won't talk to them sometimes. I basically said that there is no shame in taking meds and if he needs them to have a relationship with his kids then that is what he needs to do. He became furious. Cussing, screaming, pulled out- tires squeeling then even came back. He was screaming wanting to fight. I refused to fight never said much of anything else. Stayed calm, matter of fact and basically just let him rage. I was very very proud of myself. I just didn't let myself get drawn in. Of course, then today he tried to apologize but it was a backhanded apology. You know what I mean? He said- I'm sorry I reacted that way I told myself I wouldn't ever again but you.......and the blame game started. So basically, I cut him off and then when he wouldn't stop I hung up on him. Likely not the best option. I tried to call this evening to ask when he would be here tomorrow to pick them up and he is not responding. So I am not sure what to make of that. I guess really it doesn't matter. I have accepted that as long as he continues to do nothing about his depression there can never be any sort of relationship except for this passive aggressive one we have now. I just keep GAL. It's all good. I have a meeting with my fellow students and the dean and dept head on Tuesday. Hopefully, we will get good news then and some of my stress will be relieved.
I was a little upset by one thing H did. He knew the kids wanted to make him a birthday dinner and cake here at our house on his bday. He is apparently refusing. Wants them over there. I just keep thinking at least it saves me some work. One other thing he does which bothers me is he makes it a point to say MY house and YOUR house. I want to just tell him to cram HIS house up his @ss. Sigh. I still have anger. Not as much. That sort of feels like it is just being said to bother me though. I can't explain it. He seems to sort of needle me quite a bit. Not sure why he even wants to or wants a reaction. It is apparent he is furious with me. I dread that as it comes out.
Just the usual. I allow myself to be sort of drawn in then my feelings get hurt because I have expectations and am not detached. Then I just do every single thing I shouldn't. Right down to listening and accepting the blame for his actions. I seriously need to act as though he is dead or something. Now I feel all italian. "You are dead to me" lol I am joking but it's pretty serious. I need to not even worry about a 180 and only do my thing. Then I can 180 later after I get myself together. It is self preservation. That is what I need to do.
Basically I was right last night. He intentionally ignored me. Just for whatever reason. To hurt me because he was angry and hurt. Then today when he was supposed to come get the girls he acted as though he wasn't interested because S14 wasn't here. So he had told them he was coming then didn't. He also admitted he had been talking to XW1 a couple of times. I did ask him to stop. Who knows if he will. They had no children or anything. I am actually W3. W2 passed away from cancer a couple of years ago. XW1 and he had split up before I knew him. Apparently at some point they tried to reconcile and she was actually sleeping with his best friend. Either way, I felt hurt when he said he had been talking to her "a time or two" which to me is likely quite a bit. It was just a train wreck of a conversation. It deteriorated into a crying angry mess. Then I got a call almost immediately that my grandparents are in very bad shape. They more or less raised me. Also they have been married about 60 years now. They are a lot of where my ideas about marriage come from. Anyway, my grandfather is in the hospital with pneumonia and full blown dementia. He doesn't recognize anyone but my grandmother. Of course, they are amazing together but it's just more stress. Not sure how much more I can take with my life. It feels like it is wildly spinning out of control. So I am dropping the rope. No contact. Only via text for needed child- exchange, otherwise nothing. I have asked the kids not to volunteer any information about me when it is asked. Not sure what else to do. Hopefully, in a couple of weeks I can feel more myself and be able to handle communication. Maybe not, in which case, I will just keep on keeping on.
MKB, I am really sorry to hear about your grandfather and about how hurt you've been feeling.
I think you're right in that you need to drop the rope and have no expectations. Ideally, you'd be so detached that you wouldn't care who he was contacting. It is annoying though that he let down your Ds. Did they mind him not coming for them?
It does sound as if he tries to provoke you into reacting and succeeds. It would be really interesting to see how he'd respond if you didn't react. At first, he might up the ante and then give up trying to upset you. How did you even get onto the topic of XW1?
You have a lot going on at the moment so best just to look after yourself for now. As you say, you can 180 later, though putting yourself first might be a 180 in itself.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Well in a nutshell he DID up the ante. And I DID respond. Sadly. This has been a weekend long thing. He got mad on Friday and then basically did things he knew would push my buttons until today when I gave in. So I do need to just stop all contact. Thanks for just listening and reinforcing what I already know.
MKB, I haven't read all of your thread, but certainly enough to recognize that you're going thru some real crazy-making. I'm sorry, it sounds so tough!! Hang in there, today is a new day.
Just curious, have you read anything on narcissistic personality disorder? It might help you with learning how to respond to his antics, and understand why he does them. Thing is, even if he doesn't have NPD, you're not trying to "treat" him, you're just trying to figure out how to "deal" with him. My philosophy is that if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, you treat it like it is a duck, until which time you have reason to believe differently.
Just a thought. It helped me anyway, and not just in how to deal with him. It gave me comfort knowing I wasn't crazy.
