After 18 months - H is finally filing.

[25yearsmlc]

Great quote here!!

(((((((((KG))))))))))

Brooklyn is right...He put you in a no-win situation to justify his behavior. If you apologize you are patronizing, if you stand up for yourself you are bullying him, if you step out of it, you are ignoring him.

KG, you might have to say just THAT^^ to him some time. He wants you in a lose lose b/c he has a lot to justify these days and honestly, his anger is quite misplaced.

Get your internal dialogue straight and stay on message. Make sense?
-!

[25yearsmlc]

H sent me a text a couple of hrs. ago:

"I have been thinking about yesterday... thinking about my attitude...thinking about our interactions.
I'm sorry if I hurt you. It was not my intent at all. I don't want it to come out that way.
I think the best thing we can do moving forward is to make an agreement to not bring up the past. It's so hurtful for both of us. Whaddya think?"

I am digesting it...

a) Part of me would like to ask to expand on his thoughts about what happened yesterday and our interactions in general. At this point in our R I am completely clueless of what he could be thinking that prompted him to apologize.


Does not matter. LET GO OF THE PAST b/c there is no use in reviewing it. You will never agree to how it was, exactly. I don't think any two people agree on their emotional past in detail. Not when there is pain.

People who witness car accidents cannot agree on what they saw, and they are not emotionally invested in it like you two are invested in who did what to whom.

Of course he wants to tell you he's happy now b/c it validates his choice.

DO NOT ARGUE WITH THAT b/c you force him to defend and cement that choice, again. Needless to say he does NOT want to believe you've changed bc that does not fit his narrative.

So don't bother arguing your point with HIM...let others do it for you as they notice the changes in you, including and esp your children. Meanwhile try hard to NOT care if he sees the new you b/c if the new you is real

that is all that matters. It's reality.

Go "from this day forward" or you'll keep being filled with regret and shame and let's all agree to say "screw that" now.

Agree to "stay in the present, going from this day forward" b/c this really is a solution based approach.

We can't fix your childhood or his, or the varying perceptions of what happened & when.

heck there are events my h FORGOT ever happened, and I don't think he's lying.

So there's really no point in me convincing him 1) it happened in the past AND 2) that I was hurt AND 3) that he caused it, is there?




b) Part of me would like to say that I don't want to just brush everything off like nothing matters because then we will never improve our R, even if just for co-parenting our kids. And that I feel he just wants to run away or avoid our issues, like in the past (like when he left).


I disagree. I think He wants to get along better. I think he does not believe you two can do that, when all you both do is revisit the painful past. So far he;s right for the most part.

Both of you have shame about choices made, and both have forgiving to do.

Start creating peace by not piling on with words such as "always" and "never" b/c no one can compete with "never having done X" or "always doing Y"...Another tip from my DB coach was to

Not ask questions beginning with phrases such as "How can you?....??" OR "Why did you....?" b/c they are inherently designed to create defensiveness in the respondent. (e.g., "How can you do this? Why did you ruin our m?" ETC)

Instead, Stay in the moment of whatever dispute arises without going into the past.

It's a pile on with no solution, if you bring up the past to solve a present day problem.

Why not begin with letting go of the past?

c) And part of me would just like to reply with one word: "Sure."

Any thoughts or comments are welcome and appreciated.

See above!

[scaredsilly]

kg, i also think "C" is the best choice. i have a "solution based" therapist. her goal is not to rehash the past and dig up old wounds and anger.

she believes we need to look at our daily issues and come up with a solution (compromise, negotiation) to make it work, without blame.

[keep_going]

Thanks everyone. I am glad that my very, very long and detailed post helped others. (I sometimes worry that my novels here will scare everyone away - LOL...)
But I know what you guys mean - sometimes the similarities we find in our situations are uncanny and very helpful for our own mental sanity.

Even before reading all your replies, I had already calmed down and knew the answer: I had to let go and move on. That's another sign of progress for me - I don't dwell on the drama anymore and am quicker at identifying my hurt, fears and anger and find a faster way out of it.

So when H called to say good night to the kids I told him I got his text, thanked him for it and told him I agree with him 100%.

He then apologized on the phone saying "I am sorry if I hurt you." Didn't mention anything about his accusations or name-calling, but hey - this is way more I have gotten in a long time, so I'll take it as a sign of progress and goodwill between us! So I thanked him sincerely for saying that and ended the call first and on a good note.

I'm good, I did the right thing and I really have not thought about it since then.

Thanks for all the help!

[needgrace]

Good morning KG,

Isn't it nice, how in the midst of all the pain, we can feel good when we handle things with grace? That is what you did with the phone call... you let go. So challenging to do but so rewarding. Way to go, KG. ((((((( )))))))))

[keep_going]

NG,

You are awesome, thanks!

(((NG)))

[BklynMom]

The denial is so thick. He can not see his part at all right now, that may change - let him see it for himself.

This is so hard and many of your answers are so "normal" and "regular" - we all get angry, we say things, we defend ourselves. You are not crazy, you are totally normal.

Just make like Obama at the debate and play opossum.

[needgrace]

hey KG,

how are you?? hope you are enjoying the weekend..

i noticed on your post to adinva.. that you seemed to be hard on yourself. please have compassion for KG, this is such a difficult journey and all of us make mistakes on the way... especially when the filing becomes more of a reality and, for you, you have to have contact due to the children, no matter how you are feeling. please be kind to yourself KG. (((((((((((( ))))))))))))))

[bustingout]

Hi KG,

I hope you are doing well today? How was your weekend?

Thinking of you ((((( )))))

[keep_going]

Thanks, guys.

I am not doing so well. I cannot get out of this funk no matter what and I feel so overwhelmed. I cannot stop crying. It's all so surreal and I cannot stop thinking - how did my life become this?

I'm just so tired and dejected and depressed. Thank god the kids are not here today.