Separating Inevitable

[Starbag]

AnotherStander is so helpful! Agree!!

Hi turtle girl, I agree with the letting him go thing. Well, I'm like you, I kinda know what to do but don't know how to actually do it properly. Keep working on yourself!! As, I'm telling myself so too.

[AnotherStander]

Unbidden and Best, thanks so much for the kind comments, I really appreciate it!

Turtlegirl, how are things going?

[littleGTO]

Thanks, AnotherStander, TheBestMeICanBe, Karen R, veroprado and Williams,

It sure feels comforting knowing that there are people who understand my sitch and some taht can really relate.

This week has been intense for me. I can't shake the fear of the OW's H coming to our home to seek me out about his W and my H and the sexual e-mail he sent to her. I feel so violated by her H's irrational behavior AND my H's pornographic email to OW.

My H threw out the idea of ME comm with her H to tell him I never want him to try to comm with me again. I /We would report him to the authorities but my H thinks he would retaliate by exposing the email to his work. What do you all think???

We haven't discussed his moving out in the past 3 days, but I'm sure it will come up this weekend, as the move out date was supposed to be 3 wks away. I will take the advice that was offered about supporting his decision either way but not to encourage him to go (as that's not what I really want for me or our 3 boys anyway).

We are meeting w my parents (who live in another state) tonight. he said he's glad he's going to be able to tell him 2 postive things--1) he's not comm w her outside of school now (as of Tuesday)and 2) he has an appointment to see a counselor! (initiated by himself!) I'm hoping that his wanting to report things positive things to my parents is a sign that he will stick to his new plan, or is this way too optimistic of me???

I am still very very doubtful he will be able to NOT comm w her for very long, or that when her D is final in 1 1/2 months that he will feel "free" to comm w her w/o her H's fury. And, he admits each day he has comm w her at work...thus the flame can continue (my interpretation).

Any advice on how to cope w my H's obvious and sudden new depression about his "break up" w OW?

[littleGTO]

oh, our interactions...
-lots of talk about "the scare" and what her H could do w email
-no hugs/cuddling at night at all (previously he would offer to give me a hug if he thought I was upset at all)
-H goes to sleep on couch then comes to bed in middle of night (same as before)
-he has initiated hugs the past two mornings before work stating "you deserve them"
-he thanked me for "being a good listener through all this"
-he has called me on the way to work and at work each day for the past 3 mornings (which he hasn't done since...???)
-he was VERY grumpy when I asked him a few questions about the email (do you regret writing it despite that you were "caught"...he said "YES, it wasn't like me at all. i'm embarrassed"; would you have continued these types of email if you hadn't been caught? "I don't know.."- fair answer).

[littleGTO]

H said he is still planning to move out. he has already signed a 6-mo lease and said he would probably regret it if he did not take advantage of this "opportunity." I'm so sad, but not surprised after all these months of talking about it. I told him I think he needs to do whatever he needs to figure things out and "find himself." (DB?!)

However, after the incident last weekend his comments about the move are a little different. Now he says things like "well, at least I'm committed for 60 days" (me--meaning I don't have to be gone the whole 6 months?); "I wonder where I'll be at Christmas" (me--apt or Home?); "i think it'll be good for ALL of us (me--meaning who??) He also said maybe he'll change his mind(about moving out) after talking with his new counselor (I pray his new counselor is good!) this week.

He also talked about what we should say to our boys...try to make it as positive as possible (me--really???). He says he wants to say something like "Daddy needs some space to work on the problems I'm having (they know he's been dealing with "problems" ) and sometimes being home is not the best place to do that." blah blah blah

At least he's willing to take the "blame" for the move out. He wants me to try not to be an emotional mess when we tell them, as he feels that will "set the tone" for the move out. I'm NOT that good of an actress.

[littleGTO]

On another front last night we went to dinner w my parents. We told them of the "new" news--no contact w/ HER outside of work AND about H seeing a counselor (finally). They were very happy to hear good news & I think it made him feel better to have these things to tell them.

My parents live across the country so I only see them once or twice a year & we don't talk all that frequently. However, telling them about our M problems this weekend made me feel so supported and close to them. I cried when I hugged them good-bye.

I was a wreck all the way home in the car. When we got home my H held me in bed and "comforted" me so much. We even got flirtatious (as it made both of us feel better), but no ML. He actually reminder me that he could ML w me if he wanted (as I had said this to him when he asked not all that long ago). I told him "no"--that things had changed & I would not ML to him. HE was surprised and said, "maybe I'll take that as a challenge."
Nothing more happened other than cuddling and "safe touching."

I get so confused by his behavior and I don't know whether to shut him down when he comforts me (as this seems to make us BOTH feel better) OR if I should refuse his offers to make him feel better?

When he moves out in 3 weeks I feel the opportunities for us to be in these scenarios will be zero. It just feels weird knowing he doesn't LOVE ME but yet finds comfort in being close to me sometimes. Other times he pulls back and turns his back to me in bed or sleeps purposely on the couch to avoid going to bed w me. Confusing! What do I do, and why does he DO this?!

[eyesopen]

Turtle,

I think something that has worked for me continuing to tell myself that ultimately I want my wife to be happy, and in order for that to happen she needs to make her own choices. Whether I agree with them or not. Right now my wife thinks that she can't "move forward" without getting a d. Enough time has passed that I do not get anxious at the thought of it. It may very well happen. Doesn't mean I am done.

I too recieved some affection I believe as way of making it easy on me, and you are right it does feel good. It may have delayed my detachment a little, but I am not positive. If it wasn't a hug I would have probably found hope in something else she did. I realize now that the hope comes from me not anyone else. It is really true what they say, "fake it til you make it." Yes it hurts parts of you that you didn't know could hurt, it will get easier.

Wishing you all the best

[littleGTO]

Thank you eyesopen,

I agree that his happiness has to "happen" in order for us to have a chance. And, I am ready for him to move out in some ways. I do have to hold onto the hope wherever I find it, as it feels like all I have left.

You are right about the hurt...I never knew I could hurt this much.

My husband came into our bedrm while I was getting ready for the day to ask me this: "How disappointed are you in me?"

I wasn't sure how to answer that question but I said something like, "I do feel disappointment, but that's hard to gauge, bc I have learned through this journey that I love you husband unconditionally"...despite the fact he says he is not in love with me. I also said, "That bc of that love is the most prevailing emotion I feel and despite the fact that yes I am angry and sad and upset and disappointed, I think that my feelings of love trump everything else."

Now, I'm SURE that's not DBing, but I was HONEST and REAL and IT FELT GOOD TO SAY. I said, "I'm not sure I answered your question." HE said I answered it good enough and he left the room, seemingly satisfied with my response.

Now I know I'm not suppose to MIND-READ, but WHY do you think he asked me that in the first place? And, how SHOULD I have responded?

[Arsene]

I can't say I would have done much better but since you ask the question I'll give it a go.

Perhaps, if I was asked that question I'd try to turn it around to get my W to talk to me. So maybe I'd ask her why she thinks I should be disappointed? Or why it mattered to her how disappointed I was? or even how disappointed in me would she be were our roles reversed, and why?

I'm not sure any of these are good DB answers to that question but it might get her to tell me something about herself and how she feels.

Hard to tell though. This just confirms how truly messed up they are.

Take it easy girl.

[littleGTO]

Thanks, Arsene, for your take of my H's question. I wished I had thought of the "turning the questions around" bit. I'll try to remember that for next time.

Since my H's moving out in 3 wks and since he's recently ended comm w OW (except at work)and I looking for fill "the void" he might be feeling for communication.

He & I talk regulary- R talk. Not easy--in fact, I would say brutally honest on his end.

Anyway, about a month ago I tried to comm w him via email (something I never did before) and he was not open to that. But since the sitch has changed AND he formerly emaile HER a lot, I thought MAYBE (optismistically)that he might be okay w comm w me now via email. I gave it a shot & sent the first email I've sent in a while, so we'll see.

I am worried that for the past 4 months since he dropped "the bomb" we have talked regularly and openly but now that he is moving out the sitch changes and so opportunity for talk is going to be more limited. Plus I don't feel it will be right for me to call him (unless it's about the kids).

I could use some advice from others who are separated how they handled things. I just don't know how being separated can bring us close. (He says he needs to go so maybe he can stay.) He's so "lost" and confused that he's even convinced me that the only way for him to figure things out is if he leaves. I just think it opens the door for him to decide to start comm w OW again.

I hate that our boys are going to have to go through their dad leaving and not living with us (even though he will see them every day). Any advice how to handle the kids? ...what to say/ not say when we tell them?