Kicking a$$ and taking names!

[reachingHigher]

Oh, tvs, I so know what you MEAN about the songs! Makes you realize lots of other people are going through what we are going through! Music is really helping me get through this. Its a nice drug with no side effects.

ammc, thank you so much for the encouragement. I read your post over & over again. The boys really get pi$$ed if theres not a lot of food on the table 3 times a day. Sometimes I feel like I can't produce enough, 'specially when I'm down. Oh....if there were only pizza delivery in BFE where we live!!!

Journaling:

I think if H ever writes a memoir on his life, this chapter will be entitled, "how to D someone you still love".

I slipped up last night. I guess I miss H so much. I hadn't heard from him since Thursday night's drunken texting ramblings. So, he texted yesterday evening and wanted to know how I was. Did we get much rain? Seen any good movies lately?

So, I engaged. I was lonely, too. 140 texts later we stopped. I told him after the 2-week puerto rico trip coming up in a couple days that I wanted him to visit with S12 elsewhere. He understood.

Some of his texts:

(about us) "I've made such a mess"

(about S19) "I'm sure he's learning a lot. So exciting for him"

"I think it's the perfect time for you to become a realtor"
"I'm sure you will be fine. You're fit and pretty and smile a lot"

Some of my texts:

"I was just really annoyed this week. I can get over it. It's just I need to accept it. There is a part of me that wants to keep letting you know how very much you hurt me. I think that's why divorcees get bitter and my primary goal through this divorce is to NOT be bitter. It will only destroy me......I'll be a better woman for not being bitter."

"and really I'm happy most of the time when I'm not thinking about you know what.....:)"

Then this morning he texts at 8 am. Wants to know if he can call. Calls and discusses plans to get our SUV back here. He said he can drive the Mercedes here and we can later ride back together to HP with the top down (hour away) since it'll be a pretty day and we can have a "nice ride" back together. Sigh. He surely didn't seem in a hurry to hang up at all.

I told him he could come for lunch with us but that I would busy myself in the afternoon with another two-hour bike ride and studying my r.e. material. I told him it was "excruciating" for him to be here but didn't want him to address the D with the boys before this 2-week trip.

Last week, when I was very annoyed, I texted him later and said something like, "I'm sorry I was so upset. It was the earsplitting sound of a family breaking apart that really got to me." But later, after going to the lake I was at peace.

Taking it day by day. Looking for grace and dignity to get through this.

Oh, I'm relatively sure he is taking tomorrow off work and going to a L to file for D, then plans on visiting me in the afternoon to discuss that.