I completely understand D1 and nursing and I commend you for it!
But the 4yo crying for mommy doesn't mean Dad can't take care of him. Papi chose the easy road.
Does he sometimes cry for daddy when you have him? When my kids were little and I worked on the weekends sometimes they would cry for me when they got up and I wasn't there. Dad handled it.
Do you think you've taken more than your responsibility for the child-rearing? Is that fair to you, to the kids, to their father?
You do need time for just you and more than an hour. Everyone needs it. Are you punishing yourself because your R broke and it's all your fault?
Think about that, it's stinkin' thinkin' and you know it.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss