Can This Be Salvaged?

[leopoldstotch]

Leo

Again you are right that we cannot redo the past. I'am not living in the past but my wife sure does

And she may for a while. A lot of times it take a while for things to break, then we want them fixed NOW. Time Leo,time. That said, you will also need to figure out how much time YOU want to put into fixing this.

I truly feel like we are stuck in the mud going nowhere.

It may feel that for a while.

You have identified some of the issues ie. finances, so what is your plan of attack? How can you begin to make some positive changes for YOU?

Also, about her complaining....right now in a way it is a GOOD thing. It shows that she is still somewhat invested in the M.

Well Eric some of the positive things I am doing is acting happy all the time and not sweating the small stuff. Not being negative and basically just trying to act like I'm her friend right now and nothing more. So you see her complaints as her being somewhat invested in the m. I myself am not so sure about that and by that I mean that I'm not seeing her take any steps towards me at all. At this stage I would still say we are just like roommates.

I don't know if you saw a few posts back but my sons both said something to my wife recently about her never being home.

Do you think she is seeing someone?

Good question. My gut says no. I do not have the feeling she is seeing someone. Is it possible? Yes because her history is that anytime there was trouble in our M she would have an affair. The first time that happened was back in 1995 when she started seeing an old boyfriend of hers. We were having problems and it wasn't until she left me that she was caught. At that time I told her she had to make a choice between OM and me. Obviously she chose me.

Then in 2002/2003 we again had problems in our M and this time she started seeing a co-worker and all this was while she told me we were separated but still living under the same roof. I went through absolute hell. To make a long story short I believe I ended that affair by exposing to my W's boss and don't you know two weeks later the guy was fired. I ended up waking up one day and deciding I could no longer take how we were living and I moved out and eventually started seeing another woman. My W found out about and came unglued. She called me crying hysterically telling me she can't believe that I would do it to her etc. We ended up R again but this time she told me she had enjoyed all the power she had over me before I left because she knew how bad I wanted to get back with her. It wasn't until I was seeing someone else that she was truly threatened with losing me. So in the two times we were separated it took something drastic I guess I can say for things to turn around.

As you can see she has a history of running to someone else when the M is on the rocks but this time I don't have that feeling. I can see how others may think there is someone else being she is always out and says she doesn't want to be home. I will say this though if she was having an affair I know our M is over as I could never trust her ever again.

Sounds like your W keeps herself busy with her friends. What do you two guys (or used to do) together?

We used to go to the movies and I used to go watch her volleyball games at times. We used to talk all the time and now it seems like when I try to just be her friend sometimes she really engages and sometimes she is really distant. We still go to our youngest son's soccer games and will go to friends parties and family events together. For example last night we went to a beef and beer at a bowling alley for our son's soccer team. We shared a lane with another couple who are friends of ours and I think we had a good time. I was very friendly towards her. Sometimes she engaged and sometimes she seemed very distant.

Also, can you do me a favor...write down all of the positive things you remember about your W. What did you love about her, what attracted you to her to begin with.

As for the positives that I can remember and what attracted me in the first place well to be honest it was the first time I saw her I was like wow to my buddy who is she? We were in a Burger King that I used to work at and my buddy still was working there and he told me she was such and such's sister. So it was her looks and well her boobs, lol. I'm just being honest I'm a sucker for them. The positives well she used to be very loving and affectionate touchy feely with me way back when. We used to talk quite a bit. Love making used to be fairly frequent and passionate (haven't done that in almost a year). We would go places together.

Finally, the fact that you are here tells me that deep down inside you want to fix this. Do you really want to reconcile? If so, why?

These are tough questions. I'm really questioning if I want to R with her because I'm starting to believe that she will never be the loving person she once was. I understand she doesn't trust me and won't open herself up to me because in the past I showed her I went back to old behaviors. It's strange you ask this because my best friend asked me about two weeks ago that if she wanted to get back together what would I do. My answer then was yes but she has to make changes to and things can't go back to how they were. Right now I'm becomming unsure.

Have a good weekend dude. I'll check back on Monday.

Peace,
Eric