It's been a few days. A couple of developments- It is basically confirmed that there is not A of any kind. H is just isolating himself. Literally. I went to IC the other day. My previous one had left so I had to start with someone new. I realize it was the first visit but I didn't really feel any connection. Unfortunately, she stays very booked up and I have to wait 3 weeks for a follow up. Considering a different counselor. That just is not soon enough I don't think. H has had the kids a couple of times. Last night he brought them back. I tried to basically talk to him about his depression. Specifically, going back to counseling for himself and getting back on his meds. Basically he has still been refusing to see even the kids. Won't talk to them sometimes. I basically said that there is no shame in taking meds and if he needs them to have a relationship with his kids then that is what he needs to do. He became furious. Cussing, screaming, pulled out- tires squeeling then even came back. He was screaming wanting to fight. I refused to fight never said much of anything else. Stayed calm, matter of fact and basically just let him rage. I was very very proud of myself. I just didn't let myself get drawn in. Of course, then today he tried to apologize but it was a backhanded apology. You know what I mean? He said- I'm sorry I reacted that way I told myself I wouldn't ever again but you.......and the blame game started. So basically, I cut him off and then when he wouldn't stop I hung up on him. Likely not the best option. I tried to call this evening to ask when he would be here tomorrow to pick them up and he is not responding. So I am not sure what to make of that. I guess really it doesn't matter. I have accepted that as long as he continues to do nothing about his depression there can never be any sort of relationship except for this passive aggressive one we have now. I just keep GAL. It's all good. I have a meeting with my fellow students and the dean and dept head on Tuesday. Hopefully, we will get good news then and some of my stress will be relieved.
I was a little upset by one thing H did. He knew the kids wanted to make him a birthday dinner and cake here at our house on his bday. He is apparently refusing. Wants them over there. I just keep thinking at least it saves me some work. One other thing he does which bothers me is he makes it a point to say MY house and YOUR house. I want to just tell him to cram HIS house up his @ss. Sigh. I still have anger. Not as much. That sort of feels like it is just being said to bother me though. I can't explain it. He seems to sort of needle me quite a bit. Not sure why he even wants to or wants a reaction. It is apparent he is furious with me. I dread that as it comes out.
