Actually my son is in school now he gets home at 3:30 so it's not that long during the week - I am usually home by 5 - 3 days a week and I am with them usually all day Sunday. so it's not all day long -- my wife is a Elementary Ed major and used to be so patient, kind and gentle with him - now she yells and he crys all the time -- I am worried about his emotional health.
Eric you also said don't lie when she is not home in the morning - you think I should tell him she was out drinking with Aunt Genine - you said don't lie to my son --
Thanks again
Sunny
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
So you think I should greet her when I come home or when she comes home ???
IMO, from what you've written, try something like "Hi, want to check in?"...But of course expect nothing, and be okay with nothing...(for future reference, this also works well with teenagers in my experience...)
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Eric you also said don't lie when she is not home in the morning - you think I should tell him she was out drinking with Aunt Genine - you said don't lie to my son --
Jack hit the nail on the head with his comment. When I said be honest, I meant to do not lie but at the same token do NOT put your kids in the middle of this. Do NOT (under no circumstance and that includes if you come home and she is boppin the local football team) USE your kids to make her "realize", "Feel", "come to her senses"..whatever you want to call it.
Be firm, be honest but keep them out of it.
"Mom is not home" or something along those lines is direct and to the point. And when they ask, and chances are they will..."where is she"...your answer should be "I'm really not sure".
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I am worried about his emotional health
I get this...I do. Maybe I am wrong here and so if I am feel free to tell me to go pound sand. WHEN I FINALLY started to be really HONEST with myself and my rational for some of the things I was doing, I realized that 1) I was "using" the kids as an excuse to avoid dealing with things. I also came to realize that regardless of what happened (Divorce or not) that my XW was their mother and it was NOT MY JOB to always protect them. Did my XW make the same choices that she did before her crisis? NO. Did that make her a "bad mom". NOPE.
Here is the thing Sunny....
YOU cannot protect your kids for the challenges that is LIFE.
YOU cannot protect your kids from people who are ANGRY, BITTER, and well let's just say...totally freaking bonkers.
YOU cannot protect your kids from forming their own opinions.
What you CAN DO is...
Be a role model for them.
Live a life that YOU can be proud of (they will follow YOU if THEY choose to)
Be a parent and always do what YOU think is in thier best interest.
Allow them the freedom to make mistakes and not always try to fix it for them.
Finally, the biggest thing you can teach your kids is LOVE, COMPASSION, UNDERSTANDING and RESPONSILITY...responsibility for thier own lives and choices.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I think it's all the guilt I have about the ways I wasn't a great husband - but no one deserves to be a doormat --
More please...What are you guilty about? What did you do? Honestly.
As for Raul.. why not punch him in the nose? Will you regret it later if you don't? Then again, why bother? It's not about him anyway. You'll have more luck if you take the high road and GET OUT OF THE WAY of her. Think of it this way.. you punch one guy in the nose. Tomorrow there's another, and the next day another, and... This isn't about you or him. See that yet?
AJ
Oh, and please start a new thread..
No hitting here - no worries !!
I usually got my way my wife would not speak up when she wanted something different -- she says she doesn't like the house we purchased, the furniture we purchased, the color we painted the rooms -- so I was not attentive enough to what she wanted.
We talked about kids before we got married I said I only wanted one she said ok - after we had our 1st she asked me a couple of times for another and I said no this is what you agreed to.
I lost my business in 2008 and went into a terrible depression worked 2 other jobs but did not produce nearly what I used to she got very resentful that she made more money than me. I was very sad and cranky ceased to be supportive and become critical.
I wanted hanky panky all the time as well - she would make love to me when she didn't want to.
Sunny
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
Saw my wife yesterday at 12:00pm she asked if I was going out I said I would be working late, I realized I should have said - maybe without giving details -- She called texted me "call me" at 10:00pm and I ignored it. Instead of going home after work yesterday I went to my cousins and had a great time we hung out until 3:30am.
I got home after 4 and she was still up and she let me have it - she said that I should have called her and let her know I was going to be so late -- (please note the previous night I get home at 11:00pm she is all dolled up and goes out till 5:00am) - and I said I told you I was working late - you never told me you were going out - here comes the rant
I am so tired of you not telling me what time you are coming home - I am done - you can cancel your plane ticket cuz you are not allowed to come to my sisters wedding ceremony - if you show up I am gonna have my dad and Rex throw you out of the church and down the steps - I don't want you there !!!
As soon as I get home from FLA - I am getting a lawyer and getting you out of this house - and I am going through with the divorce - now that I have a job I can follow through with it - I said I am not leaving this house ever (bad time to say this) AND tomorrow night you are gonna let me stay out late and you can come home and relieve the babysitter - I told he no I made plans to go tomorrow for the night and I am going -- you never told me you needed me home tonight.
The biggest reason I am leaving is because you always think of yourself -- my parents come up and you cook and take care of us but that is it !!
All you think about is you --
Hasn't mentioned divorced since july and hasn't said she wants me out of the house since May so I think I should not have been so mysterious --
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
So, there's a few things to deal with in your own past? Ok. You made some mistakes. Why didn't she leave you then?
She didn't.
Neither did you.
As for the rants, she doesn't seem to like it when you do what she does? Really? Who would have thought?
No, I disagree. I think being mysterious got you noticed. It doesn't feel good, but then again, neither does watching her head out the door does it? Or feeling like a doormat? Or feeling like she is disregarding your feelings? I suggest you continue but that's me.
But aside from that, she seems to be saying she feels trapped. By what I do not know. But that's what comes across.
One of the hallmarks of depression is that everything is "forever" and "always". "You never" is common part of that.
"I am done" is also common speak.
I suggest you shrug it off as getting noticed and let it go at that. If you change now, you'll be "always inconsistent" and "never a man". Go do what you want to do in a loving way and don't tell her. She wants to be divorced? She won't know then either...(don't tell her that)
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I usually got my way my wife would not speak up when she wanted something different
Maybe she did speak up and you just didn’t know how to listen/see it. The way a women communicates and the way a man communicates is totally different. Not saying you were wrong…just pointing out something that you may want to look at.
Oh and I am not saying it is YOUR fault that she did not speak up – nope, that one is on her…sometimes though, we need to understand how our partner communicate and adapt to it.
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she says she doesn't like the house we purchased, the furniture we purchased, the color we painted the rooms -- so I was not attentive enough to what she wanted.
Sounds like your W is having a crisis
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she would make love to me when she didn't want to.
Another example of where 1) she could have said something and 2) IF you knew that she didn’t and really pushed it…is that the type of partner YOU want to be? Just another thing to consider FOR YOU.
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I said I told you I was working late - you never told me you were going out
I totally understand your frustration and dude you had every right in my book. She wants to go hang out till the wee hours of the morning then you should be afforded the same. That said…when I read your post, I found the “I told you” statement to be bit parental. Maybe you should consider saying it a different way next time. Like “I was working late”. No need to remind her that YOU TOLD HER. FTR, I may be off base here but the way you wrote it struck me as parental.
I agree with AJM, ignore the rants dude. Right now she is probably….17 years old. Once she does not get her way she is going to go off on a rant. Personally, I would have also responded; however, instead of an I TOLD YOU SO or something along those lines…a “please do not speak to me that way” may suffice. You are going to need to figure out a better way to respond and deal with her antics and rants. It’s almost like dealing with a teenager, except in this case YOU are not her PARENT so ya really can’t “send her to her room” per se but you can make it clear that you will not be treated like crap or spoken to in a manner that you deem disrespectful.
Finally, keep doing what you are doing. Keep being mysterious, keep the conversations with her very short and sweet.
Peace, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Think back to when your son was a toddler. He was probably moody, dramatic, temperamental, demanding, liked to exaggerate, threw tantrums when he didn't get his way.
Hmmmm... Notice any similarities????
I agree with the guys above, who know what they're talking about. You got noticed.
Stand your ground, but don't lose your cool. You'll be glad that you did.
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Sunny, I'm sorry your wife had a temper tantrum, but you have to ignore it. The next time she pulls this crap, just tell her you were working late and and I'm sorry you feel the way that you do.
Right now, she's going to pull out all of the stops like telling you not to go to the wedding or you need to come home early so that the sitter can go home, etc. She's forgetting one thing...she's an adult too w/responsibilities.
Please do not allow her tantrums to change your path. Continue to be mysterious, go out and have some fun. After all, isn't she doing the same thing to you? Her anger is creating her projections of what she actully wants to do and unfortunately, you beat her to the punch.
I know it's difficult to deal w/the mlcer, but you have to change your view of her and look at her as a teenager trying to find her way in an adult world.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
