Are you with your children? Even if your not, look at them or think about them, let their innocence and love fill your heart. It will push the anger and rage out. It works for me. When I feel that way I think about showing them a better way to live.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
I think you need to sit him down and talk to him. Before you do this you need to get to a very good place of inner peace and be confident about what you're going to say.
When you sit him down you tell him that you're not doing this to be hurtful or to get back at him. You're doing it because it's the most healthy thing for you right now. That you want to live your life in a way that you can be the best mother you can. You want to enjoy your time with your kids and you can't do that when you're stressed out about your H being around. I think you can be honest with him and tell him that having him around stresses you out.
Tell him that you're fine being cordial and understanding of his needs but he also has to respect YOUR needs. He has decided to take your M in this direction and for obvious reasons it doesn't sit well with you.
I also wonder if you want to put in there that right now he does not seem ready to fully commit to you and if he cannot do that then you cannot "pretend" to be his wife. That may be hard to say but it honestly is the truth isn't it?
I would be just as furious knowing that he thinks he can sweet talk his way into overriding your boundaries. That is super disrespectful and you have a very valid reason for not wanting him there in the mornings. He is trapping you and putting you in a very awkward position that could have potential horrible consequences because of the lack of respect.
The anger you're experiencing could very much lead to a blow up if you don't have a healthy conversation about it soon. Or you'll just have to learn to deal with the anger yourself and to let it go but I think you deserve to be heard.
What do you think? What has been going through your mind?
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Also, I was told once by Accuray that H doesn't get to go out and have a PA and then come back to you and get rewarded with hugs. Something to ease his sense of guilt.
I don't know if you agree with that or not but something to think about.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
thanks eyesopen. I wish i could do that but the truth is I don't want to be around them. H took them all afternoon because I don't have patience for them. I went to lunch with a friend and felt great. Now I'm back at home dreaded them coming back. I nurse so I can't be away from D1 overnite (she refuses the bottle).
thanks jks. Your making me think a lot. I think this is what I've been avoided and it caught up to me. I'm trying to be patient about it but it's only gotten the best of me.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
labug- When this all started he used to take him for 3-4 days then he slowly stopped taking him. Turns out he was leaving him with his parents so he could spend the night with OW. (this is my assumption with a lot of details provided by MIL)
He has said that S4 would cry for me in the morning and that he felt guilty taking him away from me. I honestly didn't mind and still don't.
I think I need to schedule time to myself. Without kids. I usually don't have any time to myself. Maybe once a week for a few hours and that's it.
I always have D1 with me cuz I choose to nurse on demand.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I completely understand D1 and nursing and I commend you for it!
But the 4yo crying for mommy doesn't mean Dad can't take care of him. Papi chose the easy road.
Does he sometimes cry for daddy when you have him? When my kids were little and I worked on the weekends sometimes they would cry for me when they got up and I wasn't there. Dad handled it.
Do you think you've taken more than your responsibility for the child-rearing? Is that fair to you, to the kids, to their father?
You do need time for just you and more than an hour. Everyone needs it. Are you punishing yourself because your R broke and it's all your fault?
Think about that, it's stinkin' thinkin' and you know it.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
vero (((( )))) i have to agree with something here...you need to take time out for yourself. when the BD first happened to me i did take on too much because i felt so guilty for the broken R. And i was not a motive, happy, nurturing parent for it. i was frustrated, angry, short tempered.
It was about 6 weeks ago, when H was in town, that i finally asked him to take over bedtime completely while he was here. It was temporary, but it meant i got my own time every night from right after dinner. it was bliss and i didn't realize how much i needed it. I said goodnight to the kids after dinner and then he took them up, showered them, read to them, etc etc until they slept. I, in the meantime, did whatever i wanted. Long shower, movie, a chat with friends on the phone, read...etc.. I needed it Vero. i needed it for my sanity and to reenergize.
Being a single parent is HARD and you know it.
You need to take care of yourself. this is ESSENTIAL for you to be the best parent you can be. And that means time away from them as well.
Vero we are in already in sh!tty situations as it is...we have to give ourselves the best opportunity to be the best parent and sometimes that means handing over the kids to H so you can make Vero number one for awhile.
(((( ))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Turns out he was leaving him with his parents so he could spend the night with OW. (this is my assumption with a lot of details provided by MIL)
Yeah, same thing happened with W and D8 and it used to p1ss me off but now I've decided that she was free to choose the relationship she wanted to have with D8. D8 has pulled closer to me over this ordeal and W has problems handling her. She's been more of a "buddy" to D8 than a mother and just last night she was opening up to me asking me if I was experiencing the same problems she was with D8.
D8 is great when she's with me and although she loves to go spend time with her mom, she tends to take advantage of W's insecurities and gets her way all the time. W no longer knows how to handle her and even said that sometimes, she feels like coming for a visit but she doesn't because she's afraid D8 is going to take advantage. It makes me sad but somehow, I hope it'll give W things to think about. We used to have a great family, with pretty much equal share of the responsibility.
Mind you, I'm in a better position in this country, as I can afford a full time maid to help with D8. I don't know how i could manage on my own without that. Hats off to the (single) mothers (and fathers) of this world. Not an easy job.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
