Thanks for your support. My mom passed away peacefully yesterday. Needless to say I am not taking this well at all. She went downhill very fast from Wednesday when I arrrived to Friday mid afternoon. This is completely sureal and I am spinning right now.
My W has followed me around like a puppy. Saying she loves me, is so sorry, giving me kisses, constantly hugging and hanging all over me. I feel so confused. I want to beleive that my W is sincere, but I have such a nagging feeling that this is just an act. She is definately putting on an act for my family. I have not told anyone but my sister about our separation. Maybe this is a bad thing, but I knew if I said something to my parents this would not be good for my moms health.
My uncle said a few things last night about how much "love" my wife had for our family. This made her cry. I almost choked on the food I was eating and my sister almost fell over and burst out laughing. My W is quite the actress.
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
Sam, I am so sorry to hear of your mother's passing. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. The next few days will be difficult because of the arrangements for the funeral and meeting/greeting people who come to pay their respects. When you begin to feel down and sad, pull out all of the good memories that you shared w/your mother. Those memories will help keep you strong in the days ahead.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My condolences to you and your family. Losing a loved one in hard man so please take care of yourself. Try to get some sleep and eat right.
As for your W try not to consider everything she says as false or an act. You guys are married and have shared good times together (regardless of what she or YOU think). If you keep looking at your W in a negative light you are only going to begin to harbor some serious resentment towards here, which will not benefit you or her.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
So I continue to screw the process up. Today, my W insisted on pushing a button about seeing my phone to "check the settings". She knew this was pushing my buttons, but kept doing it. I finally got upset and said that we've all seen her text messages to the person she is "in love" with..Needless to say this did not go over very well.
We then went on to discuss our relationship....Yeah I know it was so wrong, but I did it anyway. She's admitted that this OP is her "Soul Mate/connection for life". She wanted to discuss the contract, but then backed off with this week should be for my mom and our family. I said some sarcastic things like, I did not understand why she was hanging on me and saying she loved me because it was very confusing. She went on to say, "Don't you see that I'm supporting you"? She also kept saying she was working on herself and not talking to anyone...I don't believe this what so ever. I said I had made a commitment to her and I was not ready to break that commitment. I know another wrong statement. Oh and if we are going down the "what not to do" hill...Why not talk about separation/legal separation and divorce....WOW how much can I screw up in one day???
Being here with her during my moms funeral is just been very tough. I want this all to be over and move on....But I'm not sure I'm ready...
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
One final note...although my W is not saying I love you, but I'm not in love with you...she is saying, I think I can love someone more than I love you....WTF
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
sam, I'm sorry that you had to have this conversation w/your wife at this time.
The things that your wife said are all in the mlc script. You've got to let her go and keep the focus on you and your family. Please try not to allow her to push your buttons. She knows exactly which buttons to push to get you to do what she wants. Step back and set some boundaries for your well being.
I can't even imagine having to deal w/her during this time, but you need to keep your focus on your family right now and supporting each other. There will be time enough upon your return home to focus on the separation/divorce.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
We can ONLY learn from our MISTAKES if we MAKE them. So you THINK you screwed up. Fine – learn from it and do better next time.
Quote:
Today, my W insisted on pushing a button about seeing my phone to "check the settings".
Let me know if you see something here….
“Today W insisted on pushing a button” OR
“Today I allowed my W to pushed my button”
Do you notice the difference in the above statement? Or this…
Quote:
She knew this was pushing my buttons, but kept doing it.
VS.
“I knew that I kept allowing her to push my buttons”.
See any pattern?
Quote:
I finally got upset and said that we've all seen her text messages to the person she is "in love" with
Do you know why you said this to her? I do…just wondering if you do.
Quote:
..Needless to say this did not go over very well.
Trying to have a sane conversation with someone in a crisis…usually will not go over well. Hence, detach..detach…detach…
Quote:
She's admitted that this OP is her "Soul Mate/connection for life"
Yep she FEELS that way NOW…who knows how she is gonna feel later. The more you try and PULL her to you or get HER to agree with YOU…the more she will pull away. You cannot reason with her RIGHT NOW.
Quote:
She wanted to discuss the contract, but then backed off with this week should be for my mom and our family. I said some sarcastic things like, I did not understand why she was hanging on me and saying she loved me because it was very confusing. She went on to say, "Don't you see that I'm supporting you"?
Kinda messed up trying to have a convo with a crazy person isn’t it? BUT a lot of time we still do it. I found DETACHMENT mixed with a strong glass of STFU worked best for me….then again that was only after I heard a lot of the same (MLC Script) stuff that you are hearing. I think the only thing that was not my fault was global warming…wait…no..I think that was my fault to according to my XW. Ignore her Sam.
Sam, right now you need to ignore her as*. If possible I would ask her to leave to be honest with you. Do you have an older sister? Maybe she can ask her nicely to GET THE F*ck out. Seriously though, you need to be there for you family and TOTAL ignore her. YOU do not need to be afraid of what you say. Right now…this time is YOURS not hers.
(((hugs))) ….you can do this Sam…you really can.
Quick story…..
Have you ever seen a lion when it is wounded?
When it is wounded is separates itself from the pack?
It steps backs and heals itself?
So that…it can come back STRONGER?
Be that Lion Sam….take a step back, lick your wounds.
You will come back BETTER and STRONGER if you do.
To do this though….the LION DETACHED from the pack.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
DETACHMENT mixed with a strong glass of STFU worked best for me….then again that was only after I heard a lot of the same (MLC Script) stuff that you are hearing. I think the only thing that was not my fault was global warming…wait…no..I think that was my fault to according to my XW.
lol...yup...I will endorse that method ^^^^^ as "works" from my journey...detachment + STFU ....
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
@Eric-Thanks! I do feel better when I see that I'm human and will make mistakes and learn from them. It hurts so F*ing bad sometimes. Right now I'm still spinning out of control and I know it.
You asked whether I knew why I yelled out that we all saw her text messages...I guess I'm not sure. I would think that it was to hurt her as much as she was hurting me. I know it wasn't right, but I feel so betrayed.
@T^2 Thanks too! I know I have to detatch. It's hard when we are in the same place and I'm trying to focus on my family. She is still hanging and hugging a lot.
Last night after she came to be she was trying to hug and said "I love you". I know I shouldn't be saying I love you back so I said "Good Night". I guess she has not been listening to me for the last month, since I have not said I love you for the last month or so. She said, "Did you hear me?". I said yes and good night again. She then got pissy and said "Whatever". She rolled over about 15 minutes later and hugged me.
I feel that she's just trying to make herself feel better by making sure I know she's been here to support me during my moms funeral. She's been acting like the perfect W. My uncle called the other day and was telling me how devoted my W was to me and our family. I had no clue what to say...I really don't feel that this is the time or place to make the announcement that my W has separated from me and wants a divorce because she feels she can love someone more than me. I do have to say that I woke up this morning thinking about that statement and I feel that like, WOW I'm not not good enough and the OP is.....I know it's my EGO speaking and it is NOT true, but it does wear thin a lot of times. This morning, I've done the ignoring and feel very strained around her.
I want to start the real going dark and detatch, but we are here until Friday and then over the weekend we have to work together putting our boat up for the winter. Hopefully on Sunday I will be able to relax and get into a pattern.
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
Can someone please explain to me why some MLC will be extremely nice and feel they need to continually ask questions like "Don't you see I'm here to support you" or "I really love you and I am so sorry that you're going through all of this pain"? But the very next statement is that they want to be separated and then come back with the "I feel there is someone I can love more". WTF!!
I feel like I've been on the roller coaster from hell. One minute I feel life and the next minute I feel like I'm being kicked in the stomach.
Another thing why is the MLC person is smug and arrogant. Is it because they know the LBS is the one who is on pins and needles? It is almost as if they know they are in control of your emotions and laughing as they stomp all over them at their whim.
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
