At the level of disrespect stbx is now showing me and the kids.
Although it is typical of him in many respects.
He has a guilty secret. To ease his pain he leaves little clues all around until it becomes apparent to everyone what is going on. That way he doesn't have to admit anything.
The secret just 'emerges' bit by bit and everyone around him just 'adapts' to the new situation as if nothing inappropriate has happened.
Tonight when he drove the kids home from school, D16's phone fell out of her bag in the trunk of his (our) car.
She rang him after he left to ask him to check for it, but he told her it must have fallen out in her bedroom when she put her bag down there (WTF? She told him she'd tried to ring the number and it just wasn't in the house).
She needed the phone to text a homework partner so she rang him again an hour later to see if he'd checked for her phone in the car.
H again insisted it must be in her bedroom.
D16 was getting more and more agitated over not having her phone and tried to ring him again later in the evening. He did not answer his phone.
At 10pm this evening there was a knock on our front door and there is stbx with her phone in his hand. He seems panicky and won't come in. Tries to run away real quick. D16 asks him to come in and look at her homework assignment but he refuses. She is pleading with him.
She calls out to him as he's getting in the car and sees that there's someone in the car with him.
I presume he has OW sitting in my car, in my seat, in our driveway.
I got such a burst of adrenaline once D16 told me, I almost flew outside. He had driven off real quick, but I swear, my instinctive reaction was to run out there and pull her, screaming, from my car and beat the living daylights out of her. If she'd locked the car door, I think I would have kicked it in.
I felt as if they had both completely disrespected my children and me. Coming into our home like that.. in my car that i was just recently forced to act as guarantor of the lease financing on... How awful can these situations get?
I am also shocked at how out of control i felt. It was a feeling that didn't last long, but it was instinctive and powerful. Adrenaline-fuelled. Total protective mode.
Straight afterward I wanted to ring stbx and tell him never ever to bring that beotch near my home again. But again, I got my emotions under control pretty quickly. That's a real change for me.
Now much calmer and accepting of what is. I'm wondering where i sit in all of this.
He has a new relationship. No question about that. She must, as his partner, drive around in our car. Why should he try to hide it from me any more. Why do i care... I know about it; it's not a secret.
It's none of my business what he does any more.
And yet, this action seems so totally wrong and disrespectful.
Feels like he's trying to bait me big time.
On the other hand, maybe it wasn't even her (yeah, I'm gullible).
Would appreciate some views on this.
I keep telling myself that I can't control him, only me (and at least I managed to do that). I know OW is not worth my attention... but really, when he drives her into my driveway in my car... god give me strength to get through this.
Wow, you have a lot of strength.. I would have experienced the same adrenalin. You did wonderfully to not go out or to call.. way to go, NLW. ((((((((((((( )))))))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
It was a feeling that didn't last long, but it was instinctive and powerful. Adrenaline-fuelled. Total protective mode.
I so can relate. I felt like that last time I saw H. It's a good thing you didn't call him or go out and beat him/her or anything like that. My emotions got me and I got annoyed at my H and I pushed him away even more.
yesterday I was spending time with my mum and I was feeling really low.
I was grappling with telling her about stbx bringing OW into our driveway in our car.
I wanted to tell her cause I was in so much pain about it, but knew that she'd react by telling me to kick his butt to the curb.
Maybe it was that need to tell her of my pain, but realising that i wouldn't get the support and understanding that I needed, but I got really annoyed with everything she was doing.
We went to the supermarket and everything she did grated on me.
As we pulled into the parking lot, she was visibly bracing herself and stomping on an imaginary brake pedal (I drive too fast).
Then I drove past a parking spot: "You could have parked there", she stated.
In the shop, she made her usual purchases of the cheapest of the cheap variety of everything - i.e. the lowest level generic brand of ice-cream, biscuits, cereal, etc. Now these days, I have to do this too due to lack of money, but my mum insists on providing a commentary to me as we shop - and it's ALWAYS the same: 'I buy this brand - it tastes no different to those expensive brands. You can't tell the difference.'
I take it as a judgement on me - she has always thought I spend too much money and that I'm a brand snob. But really, sometimes these 'no brand' things are OK, but mostly they aren't so good. It's one thing not to be able to afford anything else; it's another to keep claiming that they are your preference.
After the checkout, she insists on standing and reading through her receipt item by item - because as she ALWAYS tells me, 'They ALWAYS overcharge'.
Then we get in the car to drive home and she starts her flinching and fantasy brake-pedalling at every corner (I was not even doing the speed limit).
And you know what made me maddest of all?
I can see that I turned into my mum in my interactions with my stbx.
He saw me as a penny-pinching, judgemental, anxious, carping nag. Everything he did was wrong.
I know my mum's behaviour makes me so angry and annoyed that i just want to do the opposite - drive faster and scare her more (how childish am I?); tell her if she wants to buy cheap food that's fine, but don't try to BS about it being better than more expensive stuff, etc. I want to escape from her constant judgement.
Just like stbx.
I feel so guilty about my feelings towards her too. After all, I'm driving her car, she's paying for my food. I couldn't get by without her. And I love her, I just often can't stand her. How awful.
A big growth opportunity here for you to apologize th her and practice patience and acceptance of differences. One day, she'll be gone and you'll miss her.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
ss, Don't want to imply that I've actually said/done anything to my mum that would require an apology.
I could apologise, I suppose, for having those feelings towards her, but I don't think she'd know and I wouldn't want her to.
I try to remind myself that i can't control the behaviour of others when i am getting annoyed.
It's also of interest to me that i noticed stbx getting more and more negative towards my mum in the last couple years.
He was always pleasant to her, but would comment negatively to me about her behaviour. He saw my parents' relationship as awful, too - and blamed my mum for being a controlling nag. When he dropped the B, it was just 2 days after we'd all been away on a cruise together for 3 weeks - and during that time, my dad had nearly died.
In his eyes, I was turning into her, I suppose. And he didn't want to end up like my dad.
