yesterday I was spending time with my mum and I was feeling really low.
I was grappling with telling her about stbx bringing OW into our driveway in our car.
I wanted to tell her cause I was in so much pain about it, but knew that she'd react by telling me to kick his butt to the curb.
Maybe it was that need to tell her of my pain, but realising that i wouldn't get the support and understanding that I needed, but I got really annoyed with everything she was doing.
We went to the supermarket and everything she did grated on me.
As we pulled into the parking lot, she was visibly bracing herself and stomping on an imaginary brake pedal (I drive too fast).
Then I drove past a parking spot: "You could have parked there", she stated.
In the shop, she made her usual purchases of the cheapest of the cheap variety of everything - i.e. the lowest level generic brand of ice-cream, biscuits, cereal, etc. Now these days, I have to do this too due to lack of money, but my mum insists on providing a commentary to me as we shop - and it's ALWAYS the same: 'I buy this brand - it tastes no different to those expensive brands. You can't tell the difference.'
I take it as a judgement on me - she has always thought I spend too much money and that I'm a brand snob. But really, sometimes these 'no brand' things are OK, but mostly they aren't so good. It's one thing not to be able to afford anything else; it's another to keep claiming that they are your preference.
After the checkout, she insists on standing and reading through her receipt item by item - because as she ALWAYS tells me, 'They ALWAYS overcharge'.
Then we get in the car to drive home and she starts her flinching and fantasy brake-pedalling at every corner (I was not even doing the speed limit).
And you know what made me maddest of all?
I can see that I turned into my mum in my interactions with my stbx.
He saw me as a penny-pinching, judgemental, anxious, carping nag. Everything he did was wrong.
I know my mum's behaviour makes me so angry and annoyed that i just want to do the opposite - drive faster and scare her more (how childish am I?); tell her if she wants to buy cheap food that's fine, but don't try to BS about it being better than more expensive stuff, etc. I want to escape from her constant judgement.
Just like stbx.
I feel so guilty about my feelings towards her too. After all, I'm driving her car, she's paying for my food. I couldn't get by without her. And I love her, I just often can't stand her. How awful.
