Going home

[needgrace]

hi everyone...

thank you for the support and encouragement. she wanted the lawyer to draw up the papers on both of our behalf since we have already agreed to everything.. and told me that by paying half, that would protect me..

i made it clear that i will not pay for her lawyer and that paying for half of her lawyer does not "protect" me in any way..

anyhow.... i am nervous to write the next part in that i did not DB at all today... W had to come over to figure out some tax/condo stuff.

and I basically told her that i felt that her last letter, saying that she did not really love me during the M, was not what really happened... that i believe that she felt rejected bc of mistakes i made and mistakes she made related to both of our past history and "stuff" we carried from our past.. i said that the D is not final, that we are family to each other, that our M deserves more..

she did not offer up much in reply.. she cried a bit, but made it clear with her silence that she is staying on this path..

early on in the conversation, she said that i had not changed, that i am patronizing bc i had verbalized my concern about other people impacting her during the negotiations... i apologized for my part.. and also explained my thinking which led to her taking responsibility for her part of the interaction. (but it did signal something for me to work on within myself)

so she is on the path to D.. and i think she stays angry with me as a way to not deal with her real feelings..

I am trying to tell myself that saying or not saying something does not make a difference right now while she is with OW.. she is not open.... but i guess i hope that at some point if she is ready, something i said today will slip in...

I realize that i am bouncing around a lot lately... dim one day and then talking about R the next.. i am lacking consistency for sure and i need to find that for the next part of this journey.

it is six months from when she files to when it can be over... and even then, a piece of paper does not make it over... it is over for me when i am ready to say it is... and i am still fighting for her, for us, for now.