Thanks TVS..its nice to hear your words. I think I'm doing the right thing. I agree. Its not up to my kids to tell me how to live my life. Everyone is hurting in this situation, but my kids are adults now and can make the choices they feel are best for them. I myself moved out of home at 17 because I didn't like the way my parents lived their life. Not that i'm encouraging that but I have said to them they have a choice. I have spent a lifetime looking after them and now I need to look after their dad. They just tell me to move on and find someone else (easy!!!!). They can't possibly understand all the implications that go with D.
I do feel somewhat torn, but I have to stick to what I believe is right. It was a sore point for H that I continued to put them first even as they got older. So its a 180 for me to show him I can and need to let them go, for their own good as well. Tough Love.
Oh and yes TVS..it would be nice to get a "How was your day?", "How are you?", "You look nice", "What are you doing today?", "You've changed your hair?", "Thanks for ironing my shirts" anything at all.
They do say that the MLCer connects with pets first
Don't worry Gal, there are always people HERE that care about how you are doing. Your H not only has his cranky pants on, but his head is so far up his a$$, he is totally clueless about anything that not related to Facebook, smoking, or tanning.
Hope you're having a good day!
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
I know Gal, even just simple politeness seems to be a big effort for them. I love when I ask H how his day was, he will tell me, but does not ask me back.
Because you do know, MLCers are the only people in the world who have a bad day, feel sick, are tired, etc.
They are such teenagers!
Speaking of, how are things going with your kids?
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Kids are OK. I feel for them because their dad is not too interested in communicating with them, unless its to criticise. He does talk to me about them and ask what's happening in their lives. I validate, validate how he feels. Its not always easy living with young adults either. Generally, they are very good and don't cause us much trouble at all. It could be really bad. So I think we are really blessed.
H is in no frame of mind to count his blessings. You know what I mean! It causes friction. Lucky H spends lots of hours at work that's all I can say.
I do remember H's dad being the same a number of years ago. Sitting in his recliner, smoking and drinking (my H doesn't drink much) watching TV continually, being bitter and not communicating with anyone. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I have told my sons to be aware that it could be them one day, but they can still have control of their thoughts and actions.
Hi GB! I've been so immersed in my own troubles I haven't been keeping up as much on everyone else's.
I think you should get an honorary degree in Validation!
It's interesting that my H acts similarly toward the kids. Talks more to me about them than he actually talks to them. He is not in the house and I am talking/texting MUCH less. So he doesn't have a direct line on their activities now and it makes him uncomfortable. He said sorrowfully the other day "and I won't be able to see my kids whenever I want to".
In my mind I'm remembering S19's birthday in August where H didn't come by or would not call S19 even when I said he was really sad and missing H. H was drinking to excess. I guess that is when the kids wanted to see HIM, not when HE wanted to see the kids.
I'm glad your H doesn't drink much but the smoking and sun worship would drive me crazy too! I agree with tvs, about where is head is stuck!
I admire you going on day after day. So strong and capable for the whole family. Carrying them all. But you kind of did that all the years, haven't you?
Thinking of you today and wishing you strength, courage and even, *gasp* joy!!!!!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Thanks for your kind words RH, your sitch is much more difficult than mine and you are in pain, but hanging in there all the same. I seem to have stalled the D (for now) who knows what the future holds. It is H's pattern to threaten D when he gets tired of me.
I'm in a lot of hurt, the things he said, his intent to D me. I haven't had a commitment from him to work things out, or an acknowledgement of the pain he has caused our family. I'm trying really hard not to hold on to that hope, because i'm not sure if it really matters. Actions are what count I guess. I can see he is trying, but it is so much about him at the moment, he can't give much to anybody else.
So I wish I were strong RH. I feel more calm washing over me as each day passes...but I stil have such a long way to go.
Watching our H's hurt our children is heartbreaking, isn't it? I think that is one of the things that hurt me most during this time. I'm an adult, I've made mistakes, I'm making choices now as a grown up who has some understanding of what's going on. But our kids... They really are the innocent victims. And I think I speak for all the mama bears our there - you f with my kids, you f with me, MLC or not.
I've been trying to read threads on the reconnection process, because I do believe H is in the beginning stages. First things, then kids. He has definitely reconnected with them.
RH you brought up about your S's birthday. S2's birthday was back in June. H didn't come home till after S was in bed. Didn't go out to dinner with us. Didn't sing happy birthday or have cake. Once he did come home, he claimed he was over his brothers, and that it was no big deal because he would be at the party that weekend.
It was a big deal to me though. I was just glad S2 was too young to know any better.
Again... How could I respect a man like this????
I am always trying to focus on the positives, and it is tough at times. When H acted that way with the boys, I focused on being the best parent I could be, a parent that they deserved.
It's sometimes all we can do.
Now, it gives me such hope to see H be so loving with the boys. I know that I'm the last in line with reconnection, and that's okay. All part of watching that grass grow.
You are right Gal, H is in no place to be counting his blessings. It is incredibly frustrating to see. They have such a good life waiting for them, they just don't know it! They would rather wallow in their own pity party.
Read mirages post from today under life as an authentically living LBS. The pain that our MLCers suffer never ceases to amaze me.
Hope you ladies are having a good weekend so far
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
TVS..its interesting what you said about MLC'ers reconnecting with their kids as one of the first things they do. Mine hasn't yet but i'm hopeful it will be next on the list for him. H is taking more interest in the house again. For a long time he had taken no interest. He had always been one to be busily hammering in a nail or changing a light bulb. When I saw him with his hammer again after months, i felt hope. Small things eh??
Have picked up some work for 5 days. Yesterday was the first day in months I did not spend all day thinking about my sitch. So grateful for a much needed diversion.
