Acceptance - My next challenge.

[Arsene]

Here is something on a related issue.

Yesterday, I mentioned to W in passing that I wanted to do something with D8 this weekend as she was on holiday. W went on to say that it was too bad she was busy both Saturday and Sunday as she could have come with us.

I didn't comment on this and didn't see the need to tell her that I hadn't actually invited her. She merely assumed that she would be welcome, I guess.

Well, today when I picked up D8, who had spend the night with W, she (W) mentioned that her gig on Sunday had been canceled and that she might be able to come with us after all. She said she'd let me know for sure. I simply said "sure".

Now, I want to try to back off and not be so available but on this one, I feel like it would be petty, and perhaps detrimental, to tell her she is not invited.

Any thoughts?

[Starsky309]

Arsene, I would do whatever YOU want to do, and not be concerned on whether it looks "petty" or anything else to your wayward wife. If you'd like some father-daughter time, then just tell her so . . . politely. Or you can let this one slide (if YOU won't be too disappointed), and plan on how you're going to say it the next time, as you definitely should be planning things with just you and your daughter at this point.

Would D8 be disappointed if her mother didn't go? Upset if she did? OK either way?


Starsky

[ShockedOne]

Well, can you do something that involves tickets, and only purchase the two tix you need? Just a thought.

[labug]

Ask your daughter what she would like to do (perhaps you have).

[AlkalineThoughts]

Hey Arsene,

I'm with labug on this one... Considering your daughter's opinion on this could help you gain easy clarity as to what to do with THIS interaction.

Then, see how it goes... measure how you feel about it afterwords, and see what changes (if any) you need to make on your path.

I understand how tough it is to get diametrically opposed opinions on your sitch... And the only advice I can give you is to LISTEN to EVERY opinion... weigh them out... and choose what works best to help you go to bed at night saying "I did a good job with XYZ today".

Personally, I LOVE getting the differing opinions and hearing from those who challenge my views and actions... who hold my feet to the fire...

And yes, sometimes it confuses the hell out of me, but it always helps me learn something about myself.

And I think you're doing a great job with that part!

I also now strongly believe in setting boundaries (as I VERY recently did) but we'll save that conversation for another time. When you're ready!

[chatterbug]

Arnse to answer your question earlier.

25 set boundaries. She enforced them. She lived within her boundaries.

This is something that is lacking in your life. All your goals are about pretending to be awesome around your wife.... So you put on the mask. This gets tiresome and is a fake world your creating. How many more years can you keep up your lies to yourself , wife and child? Responsible love would be a good goal for you to achieve.

P.S. I wrote that to you yesterday because you asked me to give you an honest opinion.

[Arsene]

Arnse to answer your question earlier.

25 set boundaries. She enforced them. She lived within her boundaries.

I never said she hadn't CB.

This is something that is lacking in your life. All your goals are about pretending to be awesome around your wife.... So you put on the mask. This gets tiresome and is a fake world your creating. How many more years can you keep up your lies to yourself , wife and child? Responsible love would be a good goal for you to achieve.

Sorry CB, but aren't you making many assumptions about me here my friend. From where I stand, I am not "pretending to be awesome" or "wearing a mask". I am living my life and working on myself, which is what DB is about, I think.

P.S. I wrote that to you yesterday because you asked me to give you an honest opinion.


And I did/do appreciate your honesty CB, as I explained earlier.

I'm sorry guys. You might think I'm pig-headed and refuse to see the light, and maybe I am. I have the utmost respect for all of you, even if and especially because you have different opinions. These opinions from extremes of the spectrum keep me on my toes and stop me from being complacent. They offer a perspective that I can not see from my present situation (in the forest) but which challenges my thoughts and beliefs on a daily basis, allowing me to make the decisions I make with the knowledge that they are not solely based on my way of thinking.

Looking at your comments has forced me to look deeply into what I'm doing and to question my reasons for doing it. This in turn is giving me the confidence to do it, knowing I have considered other viewpoints and that this is the best thing for my situation for the time being.

I hope this makes sense and that you don't give up on me. Your words have been truly helpful today.

Sorry guys, I thought I'd done a good job in explaining my reasons for doing what I am doing. My road map for now, follows DR guidelines, to the best of my knowledge. Is there something wrong with MWD's recommendations? Or am I misunderstanding what I read? If not, why is it that so much of what I read here seems to be going against what is recommended in DR? Sometimes I actually wonder if we are all reading the same book here. I'm sorry but it just gets really confusing.

[ForeverYoung]

Sorry guys, I thought I'd done a good job in explaining my reasons for doing what I am doing. My road map for now, follows DR guidelines, to the best of my knowledge. Is there something wrong with MWD's recommendations? Or am I misunderstanding what I read? If not, why is it that so much of what I read here seems to be going against what is recommended in DR? Sometimes I actually wonder if we are all reading the same book here. I'm sorry but it just gets really confusing.

Yes, I'd agree that you are following the guidelines. Everything you've done can probably be found in the book.

But what about "Doing what works"? Do you see your plan working? Now or even in a year or two? If you can answer yes to this question and have no problem sticking to it then you're good to go. My only suggestion would be to stay flexible enough to consider other options. That is one of the great things of being here. We get to hear many different viewpoints which gives us more options to consider. I kinda like it when folks tell me I'm f'n up. It challenges me to think!

[chatterbug]

I'll achieve this by being consistently upbeat and cheerful when she's around

OM does not matter. He wins if I let him. That means if I let his presence in my situation get to me, he wins. I cannot show W that I am bothered if she tells me that she has or is going to have contact with OM

I'll achieve this by making sure she is comfortable and relaxed when ever she's around me.

)I'll achieve this by listening and validating wheneve she does open up about anything. Goal 3 will also help her relax more in my company and perhaps help her open up.


That is what I am referencing Aresne.

To be like this every time is not realistic in the long run.

[breakdownbill]

Hey Arsene

I just wanted to tell you why I think you are getting so many different takes on your sitch, mainly from us guys who have or are going through what you are going through.

DR is only one source and there is a lot of good stuff in there, particularly with getting your life back on track and solution based piecing.

When it comes to being a male LBS when your WAS is in an affair they won't end, it's not the best source IMHO.

DR isn't about doing everything at all costs to save your M, DR is about doing what works, but it's also about saving yourself and getting yourself back on track to have a healthy relationship with anyone (not just the WAS).

Arsene I spent 7 months in shoes similar (not yours of course) to you and living that way is living a life of fear. I missed out on a lot this year coming to terms with what was happening to me and in my life.

I still love my W, but I hate the things and the current person she has become. Having an affair is worse than a cowards way out.

What you have to realise is that your relationship with your daughter is between you and your daughter. You can still come together with your W for milestones in life, you know the important stuff.

Don't let fear run your life Arsene, standing still will only continue to make you a doormat. You are better than that mate.

Your W has no reason to stop or re-think what she is doing because you haven't given her a reason to stop and question what she is doing.

If you were a kid at school and you let a bully steal your lunch money and didn't do anything to stop him, do you think he'd think twice about stealing it the next day and the day after that? No! Because people will do whatever you allow them to do to you.

You only get 1 life, don't waste it being treated this way.

Take control of your life for YOU, stop making choices based only around what you think will please your W.

I'm not trying to bash you Arsene, you really are a good guy and I don't like seeing you keep doing this to yourself over and over.

Hope you are having a good weekend.

Bill