Leaving a nickel tip will get you a sneeze-burger on your next visit, if the opportunity arises. Based upon his reaction/response to his W, I don't believe AT is compelled the same way you are. Good for him!
If all of us always put so much thought in these everyday interactions as we are today on this thread, what a peaceful "quiet" world we'd be living in.
I have to agree with Gabbysmom here. Simple routine civil answer shouldn't be a bad thing, or seen as pursuing. Not to reply wouldn't have been that bad either. If everyone always replied to this kind of stuff, we'd spend our days replying to eachother's replies.
A nice weekend to all.
...and you don't need to reply to this
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Gotta love the different approaches to this! Bottom line is that there probably was not significant gain or loss on the line here. I just would have done it slightly differently. But it's not my sitch. So, as always, I support AT and his approach to his individual, unique, situation.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Leaving a nickel tip will get you a sneeze-burger on your next visit, if the opportunity arises. Based upon his reaction/response to his W, I don't believe AT is compelled the same way you are. Good for him!
CV, is there some reason YOU feel "compelled" to comment on every one of my posts to Alk? How about we focus on AT, huh?
For me, I will keep posting what WORKED in my own situation, and am open to questions or comments from Alk as to the rationale behind them. This constant meta-discussion isn't helping him any.
Thanks for all the feedback and advice on this guys... I'm wondering if my explanation resonated with anyone here, as I don't think it was discussed.
But in all honesty, I'm not sure this conversation really needs to continue... I understand the viewpoints that have been expressed about the "nickle tip" (and I'm still a little confused about how adding a "Thanks W" violates that so greatly as to set off this firestorm) but I decided to err on the side of "Not being a d!ck" by adding a few letters to the response...
Again, I thought it through carefully and came to my decision, but I really didn't expect that all this would come from that... And I appreciate it!
Denver: I know you're always supporting me, and I thank you for that... But I must strongly disagree with you on something you said:
Quote:
At some point, you will have to stop saying 'I am just learning'.
Ugh... that hurt me to say.
I certainly hope I never get to a point that I'm not learning from other people on these boards. I don't ever want to get to the point that I can simply dismiss someone else's opinion simply because I think I know more. I'm NOT saying that you are doing this, but I want to make it clear that I don't want to "stop learning"... There's always something to learn.
All that being said, I COMPLETELY understand what you said there. I've come a long way and I can't just slide back and claim to be a "newbie" anymore... (although I still don't quite understand the 2x4s that came here for adding a couple words to a work-related email) _________________________________
I don't want ANY of you to stop expressing your thoughts and opinions on these threads, and I hope that no one here is personally attacking anyone else, as that's just counterproductive to what we're ALL doing here: Trying to help and be helped.
I hope you all have a great weekend. I'm going to try really hard to shake off the "Did I really make that big of a mistake" vibe and have a blast today!
I do want to clarify a couple of my thoughts on some of the things that have been said on my thread recently... It's a melding of the ideas presented and my own.
I DO believe that there is NO such thing as an insignificant conversation or communication at this point in my sitch. Every word that I GET is carefully considered and measured, and I will operate under the assumption that every word W receives is put under the same scrutiny. If it's not, no worries.
I also MUST be very careful not to fall into a "Paralysis by Analysis" trap in the "easier" responses I send...
A little insight here on one of my 180s: I need to learn to be MORE DECISIVE in my thoughts and actions. I spent years with my W being indecisive... dancing around trying to be sure that my actions/words/thoughts were in line with what would make her the happiest... In that process, I lost respect. Both my own self-respect and respect from my W.. I'll generalize here, but I'm sure it's the case in my sitch: No one likes an indecisive H who puts his own opinions or convictions aside to appease someone else. I THOUGHT that it was me being sweet and caring and considerate... And I realized that I can be all of those things while still having my opinion heard.
So I'm working hard on that... Taking the input and advice I get, thinking it through and making a decision... Those parts I'm getting fine at... But I'm still struggling a bit with simply accepting those decisions and moving on to the next point... the next thing I need to accomplish.
Honestly, I spent a couple hours last night ouring over these few words I sent, wondering if by adding those few letters I'd violated my own boundaries, or allowed my W to cross a boundary without realizing it... Although that's not exactly how I was expecting to spend my Friday night, I'm glad I did, because I came to the conclusion that NO, I don't believe I crossed a boundary nor do I believe my W did by hoping for a good weekend...
I'll be vigilant in seeing if the next interaction with W comes closer to "toeing the line" and continue to form my opinion based on that interaction.
I really do appreciate all the voices that pop up on my thread, and I don't want to offend anyone from this post or by seeming dismissive of their opinions... I'm getting a lot of GREAT advice from people who have PULLED THROUGH situations very similar to mine...
And that's the part that is the hardest sometimes... knowing I'm getting a great roadmap from successful DBers and veering off a bit... But I'm gaining SOME confidence in my DB skills and how to apply them to my sitch... even if I'm not always where I need to be.
But in all honesty, I'm not sure this conversation really needs to continue... I understand the viewpoints that have been expressed about the "nickle tip" (and I'm still a little confused about how adding a "Thanks W" violates that so greatly as to set off this firestorm) but I decided to err on the side of "Not being a d!ck" by adding a few letters to the response...
AT, I'm sorry for my contribution for taking this thread down an unnecessary track about the response. Obviously you were struggling with it and I just wanted to throw in support for the "not being a d!ck" approach. The fact is, you are still you and you have to do things that are "right" for you. Some things won't be comfortable maybe, not typical (DB is counter-intuitive afterall,) but they should still at least align with your character. Where will you be if you "win" this but can't look yourself in the mirror for how you did so?
I'm not sure how to express a differing opinion in this thread without someone taking it as a personal offense.
Originally Posted By: gabbysmom
But through the process of DBing one thing I like to carry over to other people is that when I relaxed, stopped measuring out every reply, anticipating every interaction, and just started living for me again, things relaxed between us[
I agree with this /\/\/\ You feel you have a lot to lose and that makes you very high-strung about the sitch, which is to be expected. I'm sure it doesn't help when you get a ton of conflicting responses. Crossing the hurdle GM described is something that will help immensely, I believe. Though it's not easy to get there.
Originally Posted By: AT
Honestly, I spent a couple hours last night pouring over these few words I sent, wondering if by adding those few letters I'd violated my own boundaries, or allowed my W to cross a boundary without realizing it... Although that's not exactly how I was expecting to spend my Friday night, I'm glad I did, because I came to the conclusion that NO, I don't believe I crossed a boundary nor do I believe my W did by hoping for a good weekend...
I get the "analysis-paralysis" thing. Is it possible to use these hours of effort to define a position and then be comfortable with it for the next time? The next email response shouldn't take you more than a few seconds of thought, because you've BTDT. "Do what works, don't do what doesn't." You've been at his for a while. Are there any things that you've gotten comfortable with? Any DB that you've put into play so that it comes automatically? Sometimes it's easier to answer this question by looking back because that's really the only way to know if it worked.
Thanks CV, and no need to apologize. Your contributions to this thread, and the discussions they prompt are very valuable to me and many others.
I plan on continuing to measure my responses carefully, as during this period of dark, there won't be many of them... But I already feel they're getting much easier. As is working on ny 180s, GALing and remembering I can't control what W does, thinks or says, only what I do, think, say and how I react.
I know I'm making progress on me, although sometimes It's hard to see, as It's incremental.
Now I'm off to GAL: Dog park with my fuzzy little boy, hit the gym, and head down south for a craft beer festival!
