I'm not around here much anymore. Mostly because I am in such a different place in my life that I was 5 years ago.
Yea, I just had the 5 year anny of my bomb date. No flowers, no texts, and believe it or not, I didn't even realize it until the day was almost complete. It would have went un-noticed, except that it falls on a very good friend's Birthday. It is unfortunate that it does, and now, his birthday takes priority on that day. I also view it as my Birthday in some ways. The day that I was given the chance to go through this incredible opportunity.
I haven't read much from you recently, just what you have on this thread. And I can tell you, that although you are stuck...it is a good thing for now.
What you describe is exactly where I expected you to be. And to be honest ?
To pass on something that my good friend Bworl told me.....If you weren't having these thoughts, then I would be concerned about you.
From what I see, you are still dealing with Fear. And although you may say that you aren't, I can tell you that you really need to be honest with yourself about it in order to move past this place.
It is a fear of success. You are afraid of moving too far ahead of her. Afraid of becoming too self-dependent, afraid of becoming too independent of her, or the relationship as you both used to have. You are afraid that she won't be able to find you if she changes her mind.
It is a real fear, and one that isn't easy to put behind you. Unlike the fear of falling, or the fear of Eric dressing up in his Tutu and dancing around in your kitchen......This fear is one that you cannot predict, nor should you. It is one that you have to live...everyday. And If you fail ? There is no way to know that, or determine if you have overcome it or not. It is a part of just living your life for you. It is waking up every morning, and making the choice to have the best day ever. And you accept what comes your way, in a positive way.
You have taken you time through this, and you really have become a different Father than you were in the past. And from what I read from you, you have really embraced that role. Is there any chance that you have hidden inside of that role ? You let it consume you to the point that your new role as a Father, consumed Tad the way that the role of a Husband consumed you ?
Anything is possible......right ?
I think it is the reason that you have a hard time posting anything about who Tad is, without all of the drama of your ex-wife behind it.
Tad, it's okay to miss her, it's okay to still have love for her, it's okay to cherish the memories that you have with her. It's okay to look around you, and think of how things could have been different.
What keeps you stuck, is that you expect that to happen.....
And when you expect that to happen, and it doesn't, then you wonder if all that you have been through, was worth it. You start to wonder if she really is or was MLC. And you start to wonder, that if she is MLC, then why isn't she moving through this.......These thoughts are dangerous for you. What if she isn't MLC Tad ?
What then ?
Does it change anything about the person that you are now ?
Does it change you in any way ?
Does it in-validate the work that you have done on yourself ?
Does it take away the relationship that you have with your boys ?
It comes down to a few questions that I'm not sure that you have the answer to.
What do you want ?
What are you willing to give to get it ?
Have you reached the point, where you are selling yourself for the outcome ???
And if you are.....is that acceptable to you ?
You say that you aren't good with words...that is an excuse if you ask me....
You have no problems typing endless rubble about her.....
So I will repeat the text from the other night.....
