I realize that I too had some fault with our marriage mainly being that I didn't stroke his ego enough.
It sounds like you're just placing the blame right back on H again. If your one and only fault in the M is that you didn't "stroke his ego" enough, then you must be a real saint Basically you're saying that your only flaw is not responding to his unrealistic needs. But we all have faults. Until you can evaluate what yours are and do 180s on them you have no hope of saving the M. He doesn't want to come back to the same old you.
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He did text me over the weekend and said "I hope u r feeling well" which was the first time he has done this since I have been pregnant (almost 19 weeks!) I didn't respond, as it was not a question
There's no harm in responding if he texts you. But if you've "gone dark" then you should refrain from texting him. If he reaches out to you then be there for him. The key to detachment is to "lovingly" detach, this means giving the spouse time and space while still showing them compassion.
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but I did end up texting him on Monday and asking exactly what I was not supposed to ask...."does any part of you want to save our marriage?"
You're right, you shouldn't have done it. Because he'll perceive it as pressure, and you won't like the answer you get. Nothing good comes of questions like this.
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His response was that "its not possible because if it was, we would have already done it."
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
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We have always had each other and it breaks my heart to know that he can move on so quickly and easily after all we had and have together.
You'd have to read his mind to know that. Don't assume he's moving on "quickly and easily". You can bet he's having difficulty with it regardless of what he tells you. He is surely feeling guilt and shame and also wondering if he's doing the right thing. This is what giving them space and time is all about- they need to sort through this on their own and come to realize their mistakes.
So, today I get a text from H saying he would like to call me to discuss mortgage. He is pushing me to refinance the house for a lower payment, because although he isnt living here, he is paying the mortgage. I didnt respond, as I dont know what I intend to do, and then he emails me the borrower agreement and asks for my signature??? This is to authorize them running my credit. I am uncomfortable right now of doing any of this before our court date on Nov 5th to finalize separation. He is claiming that I am only hurting the kids if I dont refinance because he is going to stop making payments if I refi. I am nervous, because I dont want to lost my house, but I also dont want to refi on our home when we are divorcing. Im confused...I called my lawyer...waiting to hear back tomorrow. Im trying to find out if the house will be ruled upon for our separation. I was hoping that he would have to pay all my bills and my mortgage for the year of sep due to his affair and abandoment. I have not worked in 14 years. Has anyone gone through any of this before? Of course, every state and every judge is different, but would love feedback. The threatening call today to tell me all of this put me in a crappy mood, as he said that its not benefitting him either way...
I just dont get that he would put us all out of our home (my kids and I). He gets more and more heartless and threatening forclosure is pure meanness...H advised me that I need to have an answer to him ASAP...so I have to quickly reply to him, but he can just run away from his life as he pleases...yes, Im bitter!
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
My lawyer advised to do the refinance. Says she doesnt see where it would hurt me at all. In fact, would probably benefit me. The only hesitation is that it will benefit H and he will be able to move out of his parents, get his own place and do exactly what he wanted from the beginning. I know I shouldnt care, but I feel so burned by him, that I kinda wanted him to suffer at his parents for awhile! Anyway, H and I had text convo today...he claims that he wants to do this for the kids and I. He got upset that I contacted the loan officer and advised him that we were seperating....so I asked H, isnt that true? We are currently separated and you want divorce, correct? H says yes, that he loves me but does not want to be married to me, the we are polar opposites and that divorce is his plan. He says that he is in a very bad downward spiral right now and that he is upset that he cannot see his kids everyday. Well, his choices.
Is it normal for your STBXH to say he still loves you but doesnt want to be married? I guess thats kinda the same things as I love you but not in love with you?? H also texted that "whatever is wrong with us is unsolvable and deadly to all involved...I do care about you and want the kid and you to have a place to live. we will never see eye to eye, plus all the awful stuff that has happened between us makes "US" impossible" so after getting this, I just let it go...nothing else to say...he is totally convinced that we are awful for each other...
Went out tonight and hung out with friends, and got home a bit ago, because I had to pick up my kids from their Friday night fun. I need to start getting used to this life with no help....although like all my friends and family tell me, I did it all anyway!
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
Sounds like he found the script and is reading from it.
He is doing exactly the same thing that they all do,
He is in PAIN and it must be YOUR fault. Who else does he have to blame for HIS PAIN.
So instead of facing it and trying to FIX himself he runs away.
You must let him go. He is going to find every cheeseless tunnel that he can to lessen the Pain. All he needs to do is to click his heals together and he would be back in KANSAS but instead he is off to see the WIZARD.
The lawyer will help to guide you down the right PATH. You need to protect YOURSELF because your husband can not be trusted.
Today I made a huge mistake and started talking R with H when he texted about the kids. All this did was make me sad, and of course give him the chance to tell me that our marriage was over. He says that he has done soul searching and realizes that we can never make each other happy. So, of course, I want to tell him all the good that was in our marriage. I didn't, but I wanted to. My kids are having such a hard time with him being gone and it makes it easier for me to somewhat beg. He says he would like to revisit the idea of him coming back to stay in the guestroom in March when the baby is due...told him not a chance. He cannot just leave, stay gone, tell me our marriage is over and then want to come back and be a part of our house when the baby is born. No way....we have 2 other daughters who are suffering NOW...
I know he cannot be trusted. And he openly admits that he is unhappy and says he has always been unhappy his whole life. Now, I know that he hated his childhood, and was unhappy but honestly, our whole marriage has NOT been unhappy. I read somewhere that if you think you had a decent marriage and all your family and close friends thought you had a decent marriage, then chances are , you did have a decent marriage. Not that I need friends and family to tell me, but seriously, he is re writing our whole history together and that kills me.
His last text was "I love you and care about your, really!" and it hurts me to see that you are still struggling with this" Really, did he expect me to be over it??
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
So my weekend was pretty sad. I did get out with some friends on Friday night but the rest of the weekend was one of those where I just thought about H. I really dont know if I can do this...the pregnancy is really making me extra emotional and I have my other 2 daughters to take care of also. I hate for them to see my cry. As I mentioned in the last post, I was needy this weekend and ended up having a semi R talk with H. That, of course, didnt go well, as he could come up with many reasons why our R would never work. I know Im not supposed to believe him, but Im am beginning to believe its all my fault, even though I know that isnt true.
3 weeks ago, he came back and asked to come home, and to go to counseling and that he loved me and missed us all and that he wanted to be here for the pregnancy and baby and really try on our marriage. Well, as I wrote before, I put 2 conditions on the thearapy and he said he was done and wasnt doing it. So now, I just think that I should have taken the chance.
He is very depressed. He is on ADs and has been his whole life I have known him, but not sure he is on the right combo:( He believes without a doubt that I am the source of all his pain. I really thought I tried through our marriage to help him with his feelings and depression, but I guess not in the way he needed. He claims that he has never been happy and that is the point of him not coming back. uggg...Im so sad today:( My kids are so sad and I keep telling them that this was His choice. They need to know that things will be ok, even though I cannot see when. I try to help them through it but, its hard when Im struggling just as bad and worse.
I know that everyone says time. Everything he says and all his actions speak that he is not coming back. Im having a very hard time getting over that. I want him to change his mind so badly but realize I cannot make him.
As far as 180s, he isnt even here to see them if I did do them. One 180 I could do is get a full time job, but Im pregnant, havent worked in 14 years and want to wait until baby is born. Another 180 would be to stop all contact completely with him, but I tried that for about 3 weeks and it did nothing....
Help...I feel like Im falling apart and really stuggling at the moment...
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
3 weeks ago, he came back and asked to come home, and to go to counseling and that he loved me and missed us all and that he wanted to be here for the pregnancy and baby and really try on our marriage. Well, as I wrote before, I put 2 conditions on the thearapy and he said he was done and wasnt doing it. So now, I just think that I should have taken the chance.
What were the 2 conditions?
As far as your changes remember that they are for YOU, not to win him back.
You make changes to help make you strong and to become a better person.
I didnt think they were too harsh at all. When I told him these conditions, he said that he was coming back with his tail tucked to make it work and I am making him jump through "hoops and hurdles". I did not think that those 2 things were hoops and hurdles, and I even passed it through my IC who agreed with them.
I know that my changes are supposed to be for me, but I want him to come home so badly. My family and friends all tell me that they always thought of me as the strongest person. Always I have fought for what I thought was right, helped out anyone in desperate times and was there for my family through thick and thin. They cannot believe how weak I am being through this ordeal, but they dont know my pain and hurt. The rejection, the betrayal, and having to do it on my own now. It [censored]! Im just really in a bad place:( Considering going on AD myself, but doc says not good for the baby...Im trying to get through...
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
"My kids are so sad and I keep telling them that this was His choice."
be careful not to put your kids in the middle. a statement like this puts blame on your H. both people are to blame when a M goes south. blaming will not help anyone, least of all your children.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Basically you're saying that your only flaw is not responding to his unrealistic needs. But we all have faults. Until you can evaluate what yours are and do 180s on them you have no hope of saving the M. He doesn't want to come back to the same old you. 