Bug posted something on detachment on her thread a few days ago. I'd like to quote the right sources here. I believe it came from Peanut, via 25YearsMLC. I saved it for times just like this, when like you, I recognize the need to detach. It always help me. Here it is:
"Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals. We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness. If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle. Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’ It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
Busting - I understand how you feel right now. I go thru the same so often. I am trying very hard, but when there are triggers about OW, it's so hard not to feel hurt.
It's hard not to feel rejected, replaced, discarded... Those are the underlying feelings for me and I understand I need to face them and deal with them in a healthy way. I have to work hard to try to remind myself that most likely H's actions are not aimed at hurting me. I try to remind myself that he is on his own journey, making his own decisions and that I cannot do anything about it. Sometimes I can and sometimes it is just painful.
But I want to feel empowered and not helpless and I try to remind myself that it is my choice how I react to his actions. It's so hard to not let it affect me, and even harder, to meet his indifference with love. That part, I am nowhere near to accomplishing. I am still working on making sure that his actions don't hurt me. But yes, it's so hard.
Busting, I am sorry you are going thru this. But you know these feelings will pass, so just stay still, don't act on them and keep GALing. You are great at it and remember that you always feel better when you keep yourself busy and surrounded by those who love you and care about you. Let yourself be loved...
(((((Busting)))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
