Going around in circles

[angel61]

Hi CTflor! I have been wondering about you too! I did go to your post and read your recent update. Let me share with you my update, and after this, I am going to start a new thread.
I’ve been doing well… I now have a job, it’s out of town so that means I travel more than usual, but between traveling I get to work from home so it’s actually a great compromise!
You know, marriage wise, I am also in sort of the same boat as you. In the back of my mind, I still feel the hurt. Once in a while, it comes to the surface. I sometimes still snoop; go through his things, his phone. Remember, in my case, there is still a small connection between ex OW and H as she works for the company he is in, though very much in a part time manner, and remotely (as a consultant in a far-away country, as she has gone back there and is now practicing her profession, and is actually engaged to be married at this point). Most of the time, there’s nothing, but once in a while I’d see a work email, or a text. It would bring back the feelings of anger, of frustration, and makes me suspicious. I have to practice thought stopping so that I will not open old wounds with discussions that would only make us backslide.
There are still a lot of things that are missing in my life at this point, if I measure it against what I want. Until now, H has not apologized to me verbally. By actions, yes, I can see it, and knowing H intimately, I can tell every bit of what his actions are telling me. But I still want to hear it. We have not discussed OW, what is happening now with her, or anything else about that relationship. He has not said ILY. What I can tell from his actions on this is that he is trying to learn to love, doing things that Biblically are the definition of love, but I know that he is not quite there yet. While I do appreciate it, I also feel sometimes that its not natural.
When I think of these, I feel this emptiness and sometimes ask myself: is this something that I can live with? Just like many, I want my H to be crazy in love with me. I wish for those feelings of being secure in someone’s love. I long for affection, intimate conversations, and holding hands and loving looks.
And then I look around me, and see how happy now my D is. She is blooming under the relaxed atmosphere at home, knowing that Mom and Dad are once again in good terms. Whenever I see H now, he is always smiling, laughing, calling me from work, calling me while driving home. I think of what a big difference there is from two years ago, how long we have come. I still remember how it felt to be like to be ignored, to feel like it was not my home, to want to leave and never come back.
It has been a slow road. Just last April/May, we still had some major set backs. But now it seems like the road is getting smoother.
And whenever I get that discontented feeling, I just tell myself to stop and let healing take over.
And let God.