How do I deal with this text message

[TSquared2]

should I say thinks for taking care of it if she still does not address me ???

I would and did/do...Basically, I would speak first when it is a "business" issue (paying a bill, whatever)...or an opportunity to validate/ackowledge her (since this was one of MY shortcomings in the R, and one of her childhood issues...no validation from family). I just wouldn't (and don't if I sense W is withdrawn or whatever) pursue anything beyond, like "how was your day", R talks, etc.

Yup, this is confusing, DB with mlc is not a cookie-cutter, follow the schematics thing...lots of trial and error, intuition, trust in yourself, in God, etc.



T^2

[SunnyBurst]

should I say thinks for taking care of it if she still does not address me ???

I would and did/do...Basically, I would speak first when it is a "business" issue (paying a bill, whatever)...or an opportunity to validate/ackowledge her (since this was one of MY shortcomings in the R, and one of her childhood issues...no validation from family). I just wouldn't (and don't if I sense W is withdrawn or whatever) pursue anything beyond, like "how was your day", R talks, etc.

Yup, this is confusing, DB with mlc is not a cookie-cutter, follow the schematics thing...lots of trial and error, intuition, trust in yourself, in God, etc.



T^2

Thanks this is great advise !!! I am trying not to step on my own feet anymore LOL thanks T2

[Jack_Three_Beans]

New thread please.

[AJM]

New thread? Sheesh

I think it's all the guilt I have about the ways I wasn't a great husband - but no one deserves to be a doormat --

More please...What are you guilty about? What did you do? Honestly.

As for Raul.. why not punch him in the nose? Will you regret it later if you don't? Then again, why bother? It's not about him anyway. You'll have more luck if you take the high road and GET OUT OF THE WAY of her. Think of it this way.. you punch one guy in the nose. Tomorrow there's another, and the next day another, and... This isn't about you or him. See that yet?

AJ

Oh, and please start a new thread..

[25yearsmlc]

Have you considered getting take-out instead? Seriously? Maybe even eat it before you go home so you're not hungry??
Either way, don't be surprised NO MATTER what you find when you get home. But that was very well played on your part and I applaud that.
AJ

Thanks AJ -- why is it so hard to stand up to her - I think it's all the guilt I have about the ways I wasn't a great husband - but no one deserves to be a doormat --

Plenty of stuff to eat in the house so I will not starve LOL

Pretty sure this is the first time I've seen you say a word about what YOU may have done to contribute to the situation.

I will not defend her actions.

But you are NOT DBing much. I think (it's a GUESS/HUNCH) you repeatedly asked your DB coach to support YOUR Desire to go to SIL's wedding enough so that she relented and told you to just go to the ceremony but we all know you wanted to be included AND were worried about your wife's actions... NOT b/c you had to see your son IN a wedding, live...as if a video would not serve.

Your pattern is clear and it's NOT working.

TWO things...

You're transparent in your focus on HER instead of on YOU. Put YOUR FOCUS ON YOU and only you'

You have stuff to work on, that you mentioned above. What are those things? What is it that you feel guilty about as a husband?

Why aren't you working on that, instead of talking about your wife's behavior?

Almost all of your posts are about HER. Stop that.

Make this about YOUR WORK b/c you are the only person here working on the marriage,

she's not posting here. We can do nothing about her and NEITHER CAN YOU

so you just work on you. You are all you control.

DO YOU BELIEVE ^^^^THAT? B/c if you think YOU can control her or manipulate or

or apply the DB principles as if they are a code to follow that guarantees you a returned spouse, you're wrong.

TRUE DB efforts are ALL about our self improvement, which makes US happier and better, as parents and partners and happier as people.

That matters. Sometimes that's all we get and it has to be enough.

But I think it's the most likely way to reconcile and

it's a DEFINITE way to keep your self respect.

So work on YOU.

And listen/process what we say. You've asked the same question a number of times. LIke fixing the house-if it makes financial sense, and at some point you yourself OUGHT TO KNOW then do it. Stop all the 2nd guessing.

And speaking of which, come up with a PLAN of action and stick to it.

When you know you've given your w notice that you are going out, whoever is supposed to get the sitter ought to be clear. Either it is you or her.

IF she is "supposed" to be home (meaning SHE agreed to be) but later changes her mind, that's not your problem.

Stay calm at all times. Never lose your temper or you'll lose your power.

Stop the snooping and wondering if she's with OM. If you were once in love and happy, and SHE WAS TOO (and of course she was, you're not insane and she's not that great of an actress)

then trust that good memories will resurface, unless you keep forcing her to think of the negatives.

She WILL ONLY think of the negatives as long as you challenge her choices.
You force her to defend those choices.

IGNORE HER IDIOTIC CHOICES if you want to stay sane and married, for now.

If it helps you to see her MLC as an illness, so be it. Sometimes I chose to see it that way too. It's just not an illness they always recover from.

But things on your end changed too. You admit you have your issues but you remain very quiet about what they are.

To hear you tell it, ALL of this came out of nowhere but you posted first in MARCH and all you spoke of was sex. And then you disappeared and posted again her in September. That's a lot of time to spin your wheels.

When did you read the Div Busting or Div Remedy books?

My point is that you've wasted so much time on HER actions and trying to decode them

instead of creating a better life for YOU and your son. Period.

After you lost your job (& most of the income you were earning) the pressure on HER increased...and her behavior at work may have reflected those pressures or even a desire to sabotage her situation. Maybe she didn't think she could "quit" so she GOT herself fired.

Who knows? NOT RELEVANT NOW but your financial needs remain.
You never mention why you lost your job.

But Isn't it clear you need to work more full time now?

Why aren't you? She's clearly not okay with being the bread winner

and here's a little secret most feminists don't want to admit...

we are most attracted to men who can provide for us. NOT who depend on us for a roof over their heads and food on the table.

We want confident strong men, who can show their emotions while NOT being controlled by them.

Don't obsess about OMs. That's beneath you. Besides, when I met OMs when h and I were sep, sometimes that made me miss my h MORE, not less.

MY h is in good shape and many men my age are not. He's smart and well informed and funny and he gets my sense of humor. Not all men are capable of that and my h isn't threatened by me being smart. A lot of men are uncomfortable around women who are more educated.

So I usually missed my h MORE when I met OMs. I guess I choose to think that happened when he met OWs. No matter, not an issue for us now.

Believe you are the better choice, and become a man only a fool would leave.

And What are you doing to get a a life, other than watching other bands?

Are you meeting any new people?

Expand your comfort zones and enter new areas of life & interests & take a class or start a new hobby or get a new job??


But make some changes that YOU can control. Be in charge of your life and show your son that too.

He notices more than you realize.

[SunnyBurst]

Have you considered getting take-out instead? Seriously? Maybe even eat it before you go home so you're not hungry??
Either way, don't be surprised NO MATTER what you find when you get home. But that was very well played on your part and I applaud that.
AJ

Thanks AJ -- why is it so hard to stand up to her - I think it's all the guilt I have about the ways I wasn't a great husband - but no one deserves to be a doormat --

Plenty of stuff to eat in the house so I will not starve LOL

Pretty sure this is the first time I've seen you say a word about what YOU may have done to contribute to the situation.

I will not defend her actions.

But you are NOT DBing much. I think (it's a GUESS/HUNCH) you repeatedly asked your DB coach to support YOUR Desire to go to SIL's wedding enough so that she relented and told you to just go to the ceremony but we all know you wanted to be included AND were worried about your wife's actions... NOT b/c you had to see your son IN a wedding, live...as if a video would not serve.

Your pattern is clear and it's NOT working.

TWO things...

You're transparent in your focus on HER instead of on YOU. Put YOUR FOCUS ON YOU and only you'

You have stuff to work on, that you mentioned above. What are those things? What is it that you feel guilty about as a husband?

Why aren't you working on that, instead of talking about your wife's behavior?

Almost all of your posts are about HER. Stop that.

Make this about YOUR WORK b/c you are the only person here working on the marriage,

she's not posting here. We can do nothing about her and NEITHER CAN YOU

so you just work on you. You are all you control.

DO YOU BELIEVE ^^^^THAT? B/c if you think YOU can control her or manipulate or

or apply the DB principles as if they are a code to follow that guarantees you a returned spouse, you're wrong.

TRUE DB efforts are ALL about our self improvement, which makes US happier and better, as parents and partners and happier as people.

That matters. Sometimes that's all we get and it has to be enough.

But I think it's the most likely way to reconcile and

it's a DEFINITE way to keep your self respect.

So work on YOU.

And listen/process what we say. You've asked the same question a number of times. LIke fixing the house-if it makes financial sense, and at some point you yourself OUGHT TO KNOW then do it. Stop all the 2nd guessing.

And speaking of which, come up with a PLAN of action and stick to it.

When you know you've given your w notice that you are going out, whoever is supposed to get the sitter ought to be clear. Either it is you or her.

IF she is "supposed" to be home (meaning SHE agreed to be) but later changes her mind, that's not your problem.

Stay calm at all times. Never lose your temper or you'll lose your power.

Stop the snooping and wondering if she's with OM. If you were once in love and happy, and SHE WAS TOO (and of course she was, you're not insane and she's not that great of an actress)

then trust that good memories will resurface, unless you keep forcing her to think of the negatives.

She WILL ONLY think of the negatives as long as you challenge her choices.
You force her to defend those choices.

IGNORE HER IDIOTIC CHOICES if you want to stay sane and married, for now.

If it helps you to see her MLC as an illness, so be it. Sometimes I chose to see it that way too. It's just not an illness they always recover from.

But things on your end changed too. You admit you have your issues but you remain very quiet about what they are.

To hear you tell it, ALL of this came out of nowhere but you posted first in MARCH and all you spoke of was sex. And then you disappeared and posted again her in September. That's a lot of time to spin your wheels.

When did you read the Div Busting or Div Remedy books?

My point is that you've wasted so much time on HER actions and trying to decode them

instead of creating a better life for YOU and your son. Period.

After you lost your job (& most of the income you were earning) the pressure on HER increased...and her behavior at work may have reflected those pressures or even a desire to sabotage her situation. Maybe she didn't think she could "quit" so she GOT herself fired.

Who knows? NOT RELEVANT NOW but your financial needs remain.
You never mention why you lost your job.

But Isn't it clear you need to work more full time now?

Why aren't you? She's clearly not okay with being the bread winner

and here's a little secret most feminists don't want to admit...

we are most attracted to men who can provide for us. NOT who depend on us for a roof over their heads and food on the table.

We want confident strong men, who can show their emotions while NOT being controlled by them.

Don't obsess about OMs. That's beneath you. Besides, when I met OMs when h and I were sep, sometimes that made me miss my h MORE, not less.

MY h is in good shape and many men my age are not. He's smart and well informed and funny and he gets my sense of humor. Not all men are capable of that and my h isn't threatened by me being smart. A lot of men are uncomfortable around women who are more educated.

So I usually missed my h MORE when I met OMs. I guess I choose to think that happened when he met OWs. No matter, not an issue for us now.

Believe you are the better choice, and become a man only a fool would leave.

And What are you doing to get a a life, other than watching other bands?

Are you meeting any new people?

Expand your comfort zones and enter new areas of life & interests & take a class or start a new hobby or get a new job??


But make some changes that YOU can control. Be in charge of your life and show your son that too.

He notices more than you realize.

Thanks for your honesty – more like 2 x 8’s then 2 x 4’s – I know I am a mess and I mess things up. You can see my next thread I think many of your questions will be answered but this is really what I needed to hear today – I really do have to start not focusing on ME. Because I am still not doing that properly.

In terms of the wedding YES I really did want to be there I have known my SIL since she was 10 years old I love the kid like she is my own sister, yes I did want to be with my wife and son, YES I did want to feel like I was still part of the family – BUT I had accepted that I was not going I did mention I wanted to go to my DB coach and she suggested I just show up – she said if your desire is to reconcile (which I do) you should be at the wedding there and it would be good for your son to see you there – I told my coach I didn’t want to go unless it was okay with my wife good for your son to see you there – this is the absolute truth. You can read how that all turned out in my next thread link that I posted.

I lost my business because the Federal Government took over the way banks and lenders gave work. I lost companies I had been working for - for over 25 years.

In terms of work I am doing better and rebuilding my business from a different angle - not to the point I was at but better and have kept my family above water since she lost her job. So I am providing for them again – she actually just started a new job on Monday making ½ of what she used to. She told me she was filing for divorce as soon as she got home from Florida but hasn’t still.

I will email this message to my phone so I can read it all the time and reflect on it – thanks for being tough on me enough of my wallowing !!!

SunnyB

my next thread is here

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2288170#Post2288170