Ramblings and the sort #2

[Denver_2010]

Hey AML.
I am sorry I am not Denver but here are my thoughts. And they will be a bit bold because I'm a bit tired - so apologies up front.

Why did you bring the need to talk about separation up?
You don't talk about the relationship unless she brings it up.
The only comment she made about separation that you shared was to do w giving someone else your surplus stuff. It sounded like she was checking w where you were (temperature checking). And I'm not surprised, if you have been making those "I'm Done" remarks. They sounded like you want her to hurry up and leave already when it appeared a few days ago that neither of you wanted out.

If she said "I told you I am done AML. Done" what would you think she meant? Because that's what you told her. Are you done? If so get the d4mn paperwork. But you're NOT are you? You keep posting here! And your wife even thinks you're cycling cos you say something and then come whistling up the stairs carrying on as normal.

And she told you again an issue she has - you bringing things up when she isn't ready to talk about things. I have to admit that that is what I USED to do too but it isn't about US anymore is it? That was what we did to create this sitch in the first place according to your long post. That's your MEGA180 isn't it?

And you told her she was wrong with her thinking - nice.

She seems to be trying to engage w you and you are keeping her at arms length. Detaching is so that you get your emotions under control and you feel centred not forever.

Do not talk about separation anymore and even if she brings it up be detached and listen.



Now perhaps you said you were done because you have had enough of this road already and I understand that - goodness knows how many times I have spat the dummy (but only once at H in two years)- but this is a matter of baby steps and patience. Go read the 37 rules again.

I'm glad she turned up on base and that you had lunch together - what a lovely family thing to do.

Happy Friday

Just my thoughts

I absolutely agree with Tumbling.

Are you "DONE"? If so, then be done. If not, don't say it.

You are quite simply doing too much...

Too much of the same behavior that got you here,

Too much contact with your W,

Too much R talk,

Too much whining about the situation,

Too much acting out,

Too much trying to control your W,

Too much trying to control the situation,

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And not enough...

DB,

Giving your W space,

having patience,

controlling the only thing that you can control... YOU, YOUR WORDS, AND ACTIONS

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I'm sorry AML, but I see you blowing this up.

You have to get this under control. Go reread the 37 DB rules again... go read DR again.

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STOP talking about the separation. Do not bring it up.

If brought up by your W, simply listen and validate her feelings.

Validating does not mean telling her that she is wrong to feel that way that she does. And btw, you told her in your first talk that you have accepted that you have lost her for good... but then, in the next conversation you are telling her that you still think that it can be fixed... but for her feelings.

Not consistent.

In sum... Do more STFU... Do more listening... Start focusing on you and what you can do to change (your 180s) ... if you even want to change... AML, it is the only thing that you can control.

Do you want to save this marriage or not?