Now Separated, Am I doing the right things?

[roughenough]

I was hoping for some input. I will explain the best I can and please let me know if you think I am on the right track or not. I feel my sitch is slightly different in the sense that I don’t believe W immediately jumped into a relationship with OM. I believe she’s been with someone else since we separation but that’s about all I know. Who knows, by now she could be getting serious with someone but that’s me just mind reading.

W texted me in regards to a legitimate question about or kids. She went on to say “I am planning to write and send you a long email this weekend about all of my thoughts.”

A lot of WAW don’t break up their families without a place to land. In those situations the “fog” is very thick. W and I were in a poor marriage for quite a while and the pain was too much for her. Rather than fog, I think it’s more of a light mist for W. Here’s my question, I am mentally preparing myself to hear some VERY hurtful things from W. As difficult as it might be, I believe it's good for me to hear whatever she has to say. To be honest, I don’t feel I’ve made all the necessary changes for myself or for her to see as a by product. If it's fog or a light mist, does it really make a difference? Let's see if I can answer my own question. No, it's my consistent changes over time and for myself, that's what's important here, right?

Here’s my question. The saying goes “Believe nothing they say.” However I will probably take her upcoming methodical email at face value. Do you think it’s ok for me to look at things that way? Once again, I know I am doing some mind reading but I am confident it’s not going to be a warm and fuzzy message from her.

What's the worst thing she could say, "I am with OM", "I want a divorce". She's already told me once that she wants a divorce, she also said she's had sex since we separated, so what more could she do? Sometimes it's just good for me to write these things out. There’s so much ambiguity here that I probably just need to absorb and process whatever she tells me then forge ahead and focus on myself. As Denver say’s, things can change in a NY minute. Even in the darkest times, there’s always hope! Thanks a bunch.

[Denver_2010]

I believe she’s been with someone else since we separation but that’s about all I know.

Do you believe it, or do you know it??? I'm confused.

[roughenough]

Hey Denver, she sent me a text out of spite about two months ago. I ended the call first and it p!ssed her off. I think she thought I had a women with me or something. Her text said,"Ive had sex too." I am 95% it's true, but I cant say for sure.

[Denver_2010]

But you don't know if there is an ACTIVE OM, right?

[Denver_2010]

“Believe nothing they say.”

It applies differently to facts vs. their feelings.

Example:

"I am dating an OM" Fact (pretty much have to believe that, right?)

"I am moving to Guam" (again, fact)

vs.

"I'm not in love with you anymore" (feeling - you don't believe it because it is JUST a feeling that she has in the present moment. It may change, and can in a NY minute)

"I'm in love with OM" (feeling)

"we should have have gotten married" (feeling)

You get the idea.

---

Her email may contain both.

facts = information

information is useful because it allows us to make choices based on the reality of the situation.

Be prepared for ...

her feelings

They can sting you. Can cause you to react negatively if you REACT... Don't do or say anything until the dust settles.

her feelings only reflect how she feels in the present moment.

Do you feel the same now as you did 12 months ago? 5 years ago? Probably not... you may feelings about an issue that are completely opposite of how you felt about that issue 12 months ago. Or, you may have feelings that are the same, but stronger or weaker than they were 12 months ago.

Feelings change. And they usually aren't very clear when we are in the midst of emotional turmoil... or feeling euphoria due to something new in our life (OP, new home, new town, new life...)

That's why they say believe nothing that they say.

---

Be prepared for the worst Rough. Remember though, it is only information. Listen to it, think about it, let the emotions cool, then decide how to act in response.

[Denver_2010]

damn no edit! In my examples of 'feelings' above, that should have read, "we should NOT have gotten married"

[roughenough]

Correct. I was told the "signs" are usually evident such as they avoid you like the plague. Within the last week or too I've received a lot less texts and emails from W, just a bit interesting. I've never though there was an ACTIVE OM but that could be changing. I am sure the email I receive from her will shed some light. Maybe I am being naive but I do believe SOME of what she says.

[Denver_2010]

Correct. I was told the "signs" are usually evident such as they avoid you like the plague. Within the last week or too I've received a lot less texts and emails from W, just a bit interesting. I've never though there was an ACTIVE OM but that could be changing. I am sure the email I receive from her will shed some light. Maybe I am being naive but I do believe SOME of what she says.

I don't think that the point is that the WAW is lying or simply mistaken when they tell us how they feel. Sure, it is true at the moment.

The point is to not put TOO much stock in it. Whether or not it ends up being how they feel in the long run, right now, these feelings come from emotional upheavel and/or short lived euphoria. In short, they are unreliable.

It is listed here as one of the 37 rules of DB (or 40, whatever it is up to now) so that we LBS's don't get discouraged and give up too quickly, and to dull the stab of the knife that can come from the WAW's words.

[Arsene]

I think your wife pulling away for a bit is normal. As you said, you've sent her running and she's got lots to think about. I think she had totally misinterpreted what you were doing and now she needs to evaluate where that leaves her.

Don't worry and focus on yourself. Btw, I have also slacked on my exercise routine. Plan on picking it up again this weekend. Re: your advice on my thread? I've downloaded the book and started reading it. Thanks mate!!

[Arsene]

Sorry, I posted the above before reading the latest developments. What Denver says about "not believing what they say" makes total sense to me. It helps to see it explained that way, with the difference between feelings and facts. Thanks Denver.

Rough,

Don't get all worked up over it. Enjoy your weekend and cross that bridge when you get there. Your mind is wandering. You're imagining loads of stuff which makes you miserable. Don't you have enough real problems now that you need to imagine new ones??

Take care of yourself my friend.