Here we go again...

[someguy1233]

ericmsant2 & AnotherStander-
Thank you both so much for your posts. They've taken me a while to read and re-read to fully understand your thoughts. I really appreciate the time you spent sharing.

I have no plans to begin a conversation with my wife regarding our relationship or our sex life. The "Things I was going to work on and failed to do" portion of my list was more for myself to review if I'm ever given the opportunity to work on the relationship WITH her.

I didn’t mean for the comment to sound like I “letting” her go out. I think it was a poorly worded sentence. I used to make her feel guilty for going out. This meant that I was going to stop causing this guild by asking who/what/where.

I've updated my goals based on your suggestions.


Things I changed (180s) during our situation five months ago (Solutions Journal)
1. Dress nice = noticed and complimented
2. Act happy (choose to be happy) = noticed
3. Do the chores and keep the house nice = noticed and “appreciates”
4. Don’t question who/what/where when she goes out = comes home and leaves happy
5. When she is annoyed/worked up, get worked up with her instead of trying to calm her down (“OMG! That is ridiculous! What are they thinking?!”) = Her stress is quickly relieved.

Things I failed to maintain since five months ago
1. Don’t question who/what/where when she goes out
2. When she is annoyed/worked up, get worked up with her instead of trying to calm her down

Things I was going to work on and failed to do – these are on hold until a time when the situation is better
1. Participate in her activities (learn & debate politics, discuss issues important to her)
2. Check in on her feelings towards sex life.
3. Do stuff for me to become more interesting. (read, go out with friends, etc.)
4. Talk about relationship
5. Get up with son more often when he wakes in the night

------

Ideas for new 180s
1. Get up with our son if he wakes in the night. Get up much more often and get up without complaint.
2. Bring up political topic with opinion that is intentionally different than hers (I'm not sure about this one since it would involve engaging her in conversation. I've been remaining mostly silent unless she brings up a topic or there's something related to our son)
*Don't question when she goes out.
*?
*?
*?

I'm trying to come up with more 180 ideas but I'm struggling. Unfortunately she didn't give ANY hints when she dropped the bomb this time.

GOALS
Personal (these could be 180s?)
1. Be happy and strong for myself. I hope this would be a great influence around Son.
2. Find new activities to do with Son.
a. Go to indoor playground
b. Color
c. Play “catch”
d. ?
e. ?
3. Continue to sleep more
4. Work at work
5. Find a new hobby
6. Go out with friends
7. Read PMP Certification book
8. Read vegan books
9. Learn how to comfortably talk with people and be less of an introvert
10. Fit exercise in the day-to-day schedule

Relationship-My Actions
1. Validate when she speaks
a. Look at her, stop what I’m doing, understand how she is feeling. How would a friend respond?
2. Remain positive and act AS-IF
3. Offer to watch Son so she can go out on unplanned days (undecided)

What I think it would look like if things were improving
1. Her to discuss our relationship with wavering opinion.
2. Her to make physical contact.
3. Her to bring up conversation not related to our Son.
4. Her to sleep in bed