I am back from the north. I am confused. I remain off the ride and on the blanket but am concerned about my mixed signals and that it will start the ride off again.
Other times H and I have split apart due to me being hurt by his actions or him suddenly caving, we have started coms again just as we are now. BUT as much as I want to heal our relationship - so it's good the coms channel is open again - I don't want to carry on cycling close/split apart.
Chatterbug wrote this on another's thread recently and it got me thinking and I don't think I am doing this though I want to:
"...but it's not establishing friendship at all costs. There was detachment (check), Affair ends (n/a), boundaries are figured out (check), boundaries are communicated (no) and boundaries are respected (ditto). Friendship establishes (yikes)."
See it's all very well sending these friendly texts but I want H to know that I am only willing to be friends if we are trying to fix our marriage. I guess you could call that a boundary and not communicating it is the mistake I have made each time we've got back together so to speak. I have responded to him because I think we both want to fix the relationship but I have never dared confirm we are on the same page. I have just assumed we are.
I joined the board because I want to do things differently this time. I want this to be the last reconnect that results in fix or split. So in joining the board I want to focus on: 1) doing my 180s - let him lead, respect his needs etc as well as become better person in relationship with/without H; 2) integrating Canada Girl with Tumbling (GAL etc) 3) holding my boundary so that I remain safe i.e. make it clear that I am only responding as I want to fix our marriage.
So how do I handle what's going on now? How do I let H know that I have opened the door a little because I am willing to work on our relationship together and that I will close the door if that's not what he commits to?
Because I think it's too late to state a boundary now as we have been daily texting (I know it's only texting but if it was over I would be staying dim and doing admin emails only) for over a fortnight.
I am worried that this could continue and there won't be a chance to state my boundary. Or rather I am worried that he hasn't told me what he wants in communicating with me. It's like I/we have avoided asking. So I guess the conversation is a 180...?
I think my real boundary is this: H, I respect that you needed to move out. I don't want our marriage to be over but I don't want to continue living like this. I am willing to support you on your journey and work with you to heal our relationship if you commit to working on this too with a view to moving home before the year is out.
I know I shouldn't have a timeline but I think I am close to being done emotionally hence my continued pointing at fix or split.
So in order to show that I am not a desperate wife wanting her husband home - which I am not - but remain interested in fixing the marriage, should I just be responding openly and lovingly to any text he sends but not initiating any?
This would be a 180 to how things have played out before with me driving it/pursuing him. I know that when he first communicated (a fortnight ago) I went rushing in but I am trying to remain leaned back now. I guess I'm fearful that if I now stop initiating he will get the impression that I am not interested at all and have given him mixed signals...? I know it's ok to initiate if I have no expectations but is that a mixed signal?
I'm sorry if I sound confused but...that's because I am...
O and last night I text "night night, trust the weather is being kind to you."
Just got this - how do I respond? "weather has turned really nasty - loads and loads of rain!x"
"night, night. Hope you're warm and dry x"
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
