A boundary is for a behavior that you won't accept from another. There must be consequences for failure to comply or it isn't a boundary.
Ex: If you do this:
The consequence is this:
You must follow through with your consequences, or your boundaries mean nothing. Therefore, only set boundaries / consequences you are prepared to uphold.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Forgot to mention. After a few days of W not wearing ring and me not saying anything she brought up the conversation. Said she threw them in anger and just has not put them back on. She maybe waiting for the reaction and mentioning it gives her the opp to tell u again its over. I agree that nothing good can come of it. I know what ur going through. It is like W goes out now without the protection of the ring. Like a message saying she was not available but now she is available in my opinion. It is her freedom from the unhappiness. These are my thoughts by the way. I think it is part of the journey. You bringing it up will only reinforce those feelings she has.
Re standing up for urself I think u will know when u need to stand up. I was a bit like that but this last day have had to stand my ground on something I felt strongly about and knew was the right decision. Wife almost got me to doubt my own mind.
The trick like the others say is how you communicate your boundaries. I am still learning this.
Read sandhi2 posts on my thread. She gives some great insight into the WAS mind that has helped me understand W frame of mind.
Re-read the advice here. It is all excellent stuff. Detaching is the hardest hurdle (I am still there!). But IMHO detaching is the key to the whole DB process and the most difficult. But without it there will always be part of u that appears needy, that ur changes r for W benefit and W will know she can pull your strings to get what she wants.
I am still a DB newbie so the above is based on my experience and advice so far.
Just checking in, its been awhile since I have posted. Sort of my personal detachment from everything for a bit. But here I am. Nothing new to report except for some comments to the counselor. The W told the counselor that she can't remember anything fun or positive in the past 17 years of marriage. Which really hurt to hear. Really made me angry actually. How can someone say that comment if they were thinking clearly. It's been 4 months since the big I want to move conversation. I guess the positive is that due is still here, still in the same bed. But no emotions or physical touch. No I love you's. Patience and more DBing.
The W told the counselor that she can't remember anything fun or positive in the past 17 years of marriage. Which really hurt to hear. Really made me angry actually. How can someone say that comment if they were thinking clearly.
Don't take it personally, it's straight out of the WAS script. I've read it so many times it's almost comical. DO NOT drag out photo albums and/ or tell her stories about how happy she was, it'll just make her angry and she'll probably use other lines from the WAS script like "I was faking it the whole time".
Regarding your last line, the whole point is she is NOT thinking clearly. She's in a fog right now. She's rewritten history, the entire marriage was bad, it's all your fault, she doesn't love you and never loved you, etc. etc. It's all emotions talking right now. Work on detaching and GAL and give her space to sort things out.
Thanks AnotherStander, Your right on with the WAS script. I have read the 6 stages of a MLC. I wonder is there 6 stages of WAS. My guess is that she is both. Not sure if it matters.
Just going to continue DBing the best I can and wait.
It's been 4 months since the big I want to move conversation. I guess the positive is that due is still here, still in the same bed. But no emotions or physical touch. No I love you's. Patience and more DBing.
By you saying that there hasn't been any of these things said by her, I have to wonder if you have been expecting it? I know the LBH's gets advice about no expectations, but I also know that most really do think she's going to tell him exactly what you've mentioned. Some day, hopefully, you will hear these things from her again. But I don't think it's going to happen right now. Even if you have a good evening or a great family weekend, don't look for her to suddenly tell you she loves you or to see her wanting that physical touch from you. She may.....but most WAW's who are involved with OM don't do it before OM is out of the picture and the MR receives some healing.
As you go through this journey, don't constantly check your own emotional tempt. You need to know what you want, then set your goals, and you work to get there. You get up every day and you go to work b/c that's what you have to do to have what you want, right? You don't gauge how you feel emotionally every day before deciding if you'll go to work. You just do it.
Same thing with DBing. You'll experience many emotions throughout this stitch. However, just b/c you have a bad day....or a great day....should not be the foundation of any decisions toward your R with your W. Same thing applies to expectations. Don't put expectations on her based on her emotions or your emotions that day, week, or event.
Unfortunately, saving a M that has been damaged by a third party, usually does not heal quickly. But, it can be healed!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2, Expecting maybe but wanting is more like it. I suppose it the same thing. Wanting the final goal is the ultimate desire. Patience is my.weakest link. 4 months I had all the oemotions, started with shock, fear, deep hurt and anger. Somedays all of them. I have given her space, I don't ask the controlling questions anymore. I am 180ing ok and getting better at GALing.
Now my emotion is sadness for her. I have finally realized that I can't change her or stop her. I can see the sadness in her face. The struggle of wanting these freedoms and independent ideas are not making her happy. At least that is my opinion. So I wait and wait to see if she will wake up from this fog.
It's funny you ask that question I have been thinking about that. I want to puff my chest up and yes, I will wait, and do what it takes. I said my vows, forever is forever. We always told each other that we would not divorce. She came from a split family and it was not fun.
But as I type this and really think about the answer, I don't know. One of the hardest things for me is not having that love and emotional connection. Yes I miss sex but its more than that. It's the smile when you walk in the room or the simple hug or just cuddling in bed that I desperately need.
As a male you start looking around and think about other W. Which messes with your mind as well. I am not someone who would cheat. I do not want to live by myself emotionally for the rest of my life. I have my kids and I love them probably to much. But they cannot provide me with the same love you get from your spouse.
So my long answer is yes, I will wait and live one day at a time. That is what I would expect from her if I was the WAS.
The reason I said what I did is b/c the majority of threads I've read from LBH's. They don't seem to "get" that ending the A is just part of saving the M. After the A, she's going to deal with withdrawal effects and depression.........and that is draining on the H b/c he's ready to get back to "normal" and his patients are still being tried. I think it may be hard on his ego, too, b/c he feels she's feeling this way over loss of OM. If he doesn't know how PEAS work, he may want to give up.
It takes longer than most H's think .
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
