Acceptance - My next challenge.

[Denver_2010]

Chatter makes some good points. I like the boat example and how people who come here do sometimes align themselves. I'm sure that I was guilty looking for people who would validate my opinions and beliefs too. I also agree that it isn't a good idea to do that. I would say that you want opinions from both sides of the spectrum.

Ultimately though, you have to decide for yourself. The problem though, lies in the fact that when we come here, and for quite a while afterwards, we are not a full capacity to necessarily see the forest from the trees and to make the best choices. Very rarely do I see a newbie come here and really look out for their own well being, think about their own future, think about what they really want in a marriage and in a partner. I did it too. It is much easier to see in hindsight and with others' situations.

I know that you have utilized a plan that I came up with for myself and tailored it to fit your situation. Those were my words though, so let me say a couple of things about it:

1) You have to understand that that plan was laid out really early in my situation. I was only beginning to understand what I needed to do to be successful with both, saving my M and saving myself.

2) The first point of that plan contains no boundaries. I hadn't set any at that time. It had been only a few weeks since I found out about PA, it was only a few weeks after I had come out of a period of almost complete darkness with my W (so we had had a period of space from one another), my W was telling me that she was interested in reconciling when I made the plan, and finally, I didn't understand the necessity of having a boundary. It turns out, that I did not understand that my W would continue to have contact with OM as long as I did not have a boundary with consequences attached. Why would she stop? She had no incentive. She felt that she could investigate reconiliation with me, and also still keep OM in her life at the periphery as her plan B.

You know what my W told me just a week or so before I made that plan? She asked me how I would feel if she remained friends with OM. She said that if things didn't work out between she and I, that she would probably give him a chance. She admitted that she was keeping him as plan B!! LOL. I don't think that I ever posted that here, or told anyone what she told me. This is the first time.

So I faced the choice that many of us here face, 1) make a tough choice and set a solid boundary and with that accept that it would probably mean that I would not be talking to or seeing my W (something that was very hard to consider), or 2) Choose to believe my W that she could actually work on 'us' while also remaining friends with OM. I chose #2. And I was wrong. My W was wrong. As long as OM was in the picture we had zero chance. She and I had baggage, OM carried none. OM had been providing all of her emotional needs, I hadn't done so in at least a year. It was the wrong choice.

So, although I agree with the basic tenant of the part of the plan, ie, OM does not matter, he wins if I let him etc. I DO think that I probably should have considered setting my boundary at that point. It wasn't until late May or early June when our first attempt at reconciling was totally blown to pieces that I finally did set the boundary to begin to protect myself.

and,

3) I still believe that I had a lot more ground to make up for than most LBS's do. You can read my posts where I have the 'come to jesus' talk with myself about all of the things that I had done to disrespect my wife, emotionally abuse her at times, and ultimately drive her away. I had A LOT of ground to make up for. My point, I probably needed to suffer through what I did in order to give my W a couple of months to see that I could be different... not that our M could be different, that happened later. But that I was actually a nice guy.

I don't see the same thing in your sitch Arsene. Your W knows that you are a good guy and that you are capable of treating her well. She is simply not choosing you. Right now.

I think that there is a difference. And it is why I probably sometimes seem to give advice that is somewhat contrary to what I actually did at times. Not just with you, but with others here on the boards.

With you, I simply think that you need to create a space between you and your W so that she can see what her life looks like without you. So that she can get OM out of her system. And so that she can learn to miss you. And THAT is something that my W and I had at the very beginning of our S.

That's just my thought. You are the captain of your ship and need to set the course that you think is right for you.